A disturbing article, which was so alarming it appeared recently in both of my local newspapers, reports that a man smacked a hippo on the @ss. I don’t mean he slapped a rotund woman on the backside. Saying that would be wrong, insensitive, and fat shaming. That’s not how I do things, and you should be ashamed for even thinking that. No, this guy actually climbed over barriers at the Los Angeles Zoo and smacked a real hippopotamus on the rump.
Although the assaulted hippo did not react to the slap, the mother hippo standing next to her raised her head and appeared startled. Startled! Oh, the humanity! Well, maybe the hippanity. And the Los Angeles Police are reviewing a video of the incident and will charge the perpetrator with the awful crime of trespassing, if apprehended.
But why, oh why, did the scoundrel do this? Oh, no doubt he likes big butts, really big butts, and he cannot lie. And he cannot lie because the video clearly shows him sneaking into the hippo’s enclosure and slapping it’s @ss.However, in no way did he assault that hippo. This was a light touch on an enormous tush. It was more like a love tap. Which of course, would be even more disturbing. This was a stupid prank, but not even close to anything nefarious.
So why was this reported as a heinous act against zoo creatures? I blame the #MeToo movement. Now this movement started off as a very legitimate response against men who had committed serious discretions against women. But then it went off the rails to include any male behavior that females don’t approve of. Unfortunately the Internet is too small to contain that list, which includes things such as “Men say stupid stuff”. OH THE HORROR! So, I’m sure some gal set up a Twitter account for Rosie the Hippo (her real name) and tweeted #MeToo for her, so females around the globe could feel outrage and offense, because this monster had violated the hippo’s body.
However, I also blame the #MeToo movement for this outrageous event. This poor guy probably was used to smacking women’s butts all the time. Now that #MeToo has outlawed this type of behavior, the guy has nothing to spank! He sees this sexy big ol’ hippo butt just sitting there and he just can’t help himself. He then risks his life climbing into its enclave, to apply an affectionate love tap. He’s not a perpetrator in this, he’s a victim.
I realize this whole #MeToo thing is too confusing for guys. And this just makes things worse because men are already clueless about how to properly interact with women. In this particular circumstance, men are totally confused because women fall into one of three categories:
1. Women who never want guys to slap their @ss.
2. Women who like it when guys slap their @ss, but pretend they don’t.
3. Women who enjoy it when a guy slaps their @ss.
This is America, so woman have the right to resist invasions of their personal space. However, I will point out to the ladies in categories one and two, that there will come a day when you @ss will cease to be “slap-worthy”.
Now I know guys will argue “How are you supposed to know which group she belongs to, unless you slap her @ss first?” That may be true, but this is 2018, so you just can’t go around all slap happy and all that.
Because now guys are so perplexed and because guys need guidelines to follow because they are clueless, here are my rules about when it is acceptable to smack a woman on the @ss.
1. Never smack a woman on the @ss that you don’t know (See Rule #5 for the exception). This applies even if that booty is phat and needs to be spanked.
2. Never smack a woman on the @ss that you do know, in public. The exception is that you may smack the tukus of your wife or girlfriend if you are complimenting about her feature to others. But under no circumstance should you smack your wife’s @ss in public and then shout “Whoa Jelly! Watch it shake!”
3. You may smack a woman on the @ss anytime it is completely naked before you. However, it should not be done too hard or repeatedly, unless she instructs you to do so. And if she is one of those “Fifty Shades” ladies, these standard rules do not apply.
4. Even the thinnest thong bikini means the buns are not “completely naked”. So, no slapping strangers (Rule #1) on the beach. I know you want to, but no.
5. If you see a woman at the club shaking and twerking it on the dance floor who peaks your, er, fancy, you may give her a gentle tap on the rump to show your interest. If she has a big butt, you may have to slap it or she may not feel it, just like Rosie. I am permitting this activity because the booming music at the club prevents pleasant conversation, so this is the best way for you to show your interest. After the tap, move back about six feet away from her. When she looks at you, smile, point at her booty and give the thumbs up. If she smiles back, then you can walk back and try to talk to her. If she scowls, escape quickly to the far end of the club. If her boyfriend caught you spanking his booty, run, run like hell.
6. You may slap a female teammate on the @ss if she makes a good play during co-ed softball. You may do this because it is a baseball tradition. Just be aware if you slap Marge from Accounting’s large derriere during the game, she may misinterpret your action as not being sports related, and pursue your @ss for the next month.
This post has presented strictly as a public service for the benefit of civil interaction and to promote the propagation of the species.