Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Gazing Upon the Royal Jewels

Truth #1 – The Internet is a wonderful thing because it allows you to see anything and everything.  The Internet is also a terrible thing because it allows you to see anything and everything, including things that you should not see.

Truth #2 – Teenage boys have a burning desire to see things they are not allowed to look at.  As men grow older this desire is tempered because men are permitted to see more things than boys, however the temptation never really goes away.

The Duchess Kate
And now these two truths are on a collision course so epic that civilization may temporarily come to a grinding halt.  The alarming event in question is the soon to be released topless photos of Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge. 

Now this wasn’t a case of “Princesses Gone Wild”.  Kate did not flash her goodies to get some beads. She already has all the “real” beads she needs. No, some photographer, who reportedly is a former teenage boy, snapped some long-range photos of Kate while she was sunbathing topless on a private beach.

This is an outrageous violation of Kate’s privacy.   They may post the photos, but this is something that should not be seen by anyone.  No one should look at it.  This means that soon after the photos are posted, millions of men throughout the world will jump on the Internet to get a glimpse of the royal ta-tas.  I fully expect the entire Internet to totally freeze up until every man in the world with an Internet connection is able to adequately ogle the duchess.  This threatens to crash the entire Internet as we know it.

To save the Internet we may have to bring in Officer Barbrady from South Park to declare: “Move along people. Nothing to see here.” And I do believe there is not going to be much to see.  While Kate is a certified royal babe, she is considered to be “lithe”.  This means that she could not get a job at Hooters.  She has no trouble jumping rope and she can easily see her feet while standing.  Her cups, even when measured in milliliters appear (when clothed) to be modest.

Of course after the men of the world finish gawking, many women will also view the photos.  They will want to see how they measure up compared to the duchess.  All women want to be princesses and a duchess is very close to that.  Many will think: “Look at that.  My goodies are better than her royal jewels.  Perhaps the Duke would like to upgrade from princess size to queen size.”  They believe this because in life, as in poker, two queens beats a small pair.   

This scandal will be very embarrassing for poor Kate.  I know it is sure to be very awkward the next time I see her.  I will have to be careful not to talk about my vacation to the Flatlands and not to mention the firmness of the mini-muffins being served at the party.  And if Kate had any ideas about discretely enhancing the royal treasure chest, she can foggetaboutit because everyone will have seen a “before” photo.

On the other hand, the photos represent just how far we have progressed as a civilization.  In olden days a commoner could be put to death for even accidently viewing royal naughty bits, but now everyone can see the spectacles from the privacy of their own homes.  Heck, you can even project the image on your big screen TV if you wish.

Now some will argue that you should not view these photographs because of their salacious content.  But I am giving men everywhere permission to look based on creative grounds.  You see, these photos should not be considered pornographic, but because they are of royalty, they should be considered art.  They are just as much art as the ancient statues of some old chicks which displayed large, naked, jugs.  So guys, go ahead and enjoy an enchanting, inspiring, experience.  Ahhhhhh, euphoric.

Just don’t peruse the photos too long.  And remember; keep both hands on the keyboard at all times.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Sunny Beaches and Sons of Beaches

Last month I vacationed in Florida.  Usually this lets me experience what it’s like to live in oppressive heat.  This summer I did not need to leave home for that.  I should have just thrown some sand in my backyard and saved the airfare.

But vacation means getting out and experiencing new places and new people.  And of course, I encountered some very interesting people:

The Chunky Thigh Girls

I quickly noticed that a fashion trend this summer is short shorts.  But of course these should only be worn by women with proportional thighs.  There were several women walking around the airport flashing some very chunky thighs.   The women of the ‘70s took great care to hide their thunder thighs, but not these gals.  Maybe it’s because guys are heavier now and don’t mind bigger thighs on their women.

So my worry sitting on the runway (it was a full flight) was if the aeronautic engineers had accounted for all the chunky thighs (including mine) and if the plane could actually lift all this added thigh weight off the ground.  Fortunately it did!

The Cell Phone Zombies

I was surprised when a young woman walked slowly past me as I was exiting the airport men’s room.  It took her several seconds to casually stroll back out. I wondered what was going on until I noticed she was deep in conversation on her cell phone. 

I thought this was funny until I had to dodge several more cell phone zombies in the airports during the trip.  By the end, I was tempted to knock the next one flat on his back  and when he looked up I would say: “Can you see me now? Good.” 

Mr. I-Pod

This guy on the plane was bobbing his head and shaking violently. I was worried he was having a seizure, but apparently he was just really into the music on his I-Pod.  He saw me staring at him and reacted like there was something wrong with me.  Oh no Mr. I-Pod, you are the weirdo because you look stupid.  Besides that, he was wearing a woven anklet.  Guys should never, ever, wear any jewelry below the chest (and no nipple rings).

The Newspaper Thief

Some goofball on the plane asked to see a section of my newspaper then failed to return it.  On my return flight I prevented this from happening by use of something called Wi-Fi and a Kindle.  Stick it thief boy!

The Very Pregnant Woman (In the Atlanta airport)

I could tell just how pregnant she was because she was wearing a super tight, super shear, “pregnancy sock”.  Yes I’m happy you’re pregnant, but I don’t want to share this intimately in the moment.  If you wouldn’t wear something this revealing before you were preggers, why the hell would you wear it now?  And why are you flying anyway?  Crying babies on planes are bad enough, but I don’t any new babies popping out during my flight.

Bad Fashion Guy

There was this old guy in a restaurant sporting sweat pants held up by a pair of suspenders.  This looked hideous and is not acceptable under any circumstances.  No matter how cheap you are, when the elastic wears out in your sweat pants; it’s time to buy a new pair.

The “Hey Where’s My Sink Guy”

That would be me.  There are no sinks in the newly remodeled Jacksonville Airport.  There is a long, slanted, marble slab with motion activated water and soap dispensers sticking out of the wall.  It is very disconcerting when you turn the corner to wash your hands and there are no sinks.

Mr. and Mrs. Sea Turtle Sex Experts

The couple proudly tells you that they have devoted their entire lives promoting the propagation of sea turtles and fully expect you to be impressed.  It was also humorous the way their faces lit up when they explained sea turtle sex.  I did learn that it must be very dark for sea turtles to mate.  This means either the females are very modest or the males are turned off by the sight of the female’s chunky thighs.  

The 40 Year-Old Woman in the Mini Bikini  

20 years ago she probably looked smoking-hot in this outfit and to her credit the “southern” hemisphere was well preserved and very impressive for a woman her age.  However the “northern” hemisphere was suffering the effects of child-bearing, gravity and perhaps even global-warming, which had greatly affected the topography of the region.  The capital of the northern region was no longer the city of Twin Buttes, but Sagamore Hills (an actual place in Ohio).  She was hanging loose and hanging low and the mini bikini top provided only minimal coverage in front and even less from the side.  During a conversation with her she was waving her arms a lot which of course caused the pendulums to swing wildly. I was afraid one of the sandbags was going to bust loose and slap me in the face.