Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I Don’t Get A Kick Out Of Soccer

Soccer is my least favorite of the major sports.  I never played it during my athletic days and I’m not sure it even existed when I was in high school.  I don’t think you have to be very skilled to play it.  I mean all you do is just run around and kick a ball.  You learn to kick when you are still in the womb and you’re running by age three, so how hard can it be?

I can’t get serious about a sport where guys run around in shorts outdoors.  In addition, I am uncomfortable with men giving cards to other men during the game. Come on; is this a party or a real sport?

I know soccer is currently gaining popularity in this country, but then so is socialism.  I have heard that many mothers have started playing the game.  I assume that these “soccer moms” are attempting to lose their baby fat and fit back into their “misses” jeans and of course I support that effort.

I know that soccer is very popular in Europe, but then so is socialism (coincidence?).  They take their soccer very serious over there.  Often there are riots, car burnings and even deaths after a team loses an important match.

I find this very strange, because soccer is extremely boring to watch.  It is not even as exciting as baseball, where between all the spitting, scratching and stepping out of the batter’s box, the ball is actually only in play for a few minutes in an average game. 

But soccer is so boring that if you gave me the choice between watching a soccer match and a NASCAR race, I’ll go redneck on ya.  I am not a NASCAR fan because it consists of going around in circles at high speed, but never really getting anywhere, which also too closely describes my life.  In addition, I can’t get into a “sport” where the most exciting parts are when something goes wrong and people almost die.  Sorry, that happens all the time at work, I don’t need to see any more of that on the weekend.

Because of all these things, I never thought that I would ever watch an entire soccer match.  But in 2010 the University of Akron, my alma mater, played for the NCAA Division I Championship.   I could only watch parts of the earlier games in the tournament before falling into a deep sleep, but I got my nachos and birch beer and planted myself in front of my big screen for the big game.

And I discovered something very strange about watching an entire soccer game.  It is different than watching any other sport.  It is very difficult to score a goal in soccer.  It can take much time and effort to move the ball the length of the field before there is even a chance to score.  A team can go an excruciating long time before even attempting a shot.

This wanting your team to score but having to wait so long to do so, builds up a tension that is comparable to only one other feeling known to man.  And I do mean man, not human kind.  Men reading this know what I am talking about and the women reading this are smart enough to figure it out.

This tension is why there is a mass orgasmic celebration when a team scores.  It is why the announcer shouts “GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!  It is why there is a rapturous celebration by the players.  I will even condone all the male hugging that occurs, because after all, some guy has penetrated the net and actually scored.

When guys need to score and are prohibited from doing so, bad things happen.  This explains why buildings get burned, cars get torched and people die, when fans of losing soccer teams express their pent up frustration.

This is not a unique concept.  Psychologists have done many studies on how the performance of sport teams affects the sexual performance of their male fans.  I remember reading about a study that found that fans of winning NFL teams had higher testosterone levels and had more sex than the fans of losing teams.   This explains why the population of Cleveland, Ohio continues to plummet.  Fans of the Cleveland Browns have not had any sex in years. 

Currently the University of Akron soccer team is ranked number one in the nation and is expected to make a deep run in the NCAA tournament that is currently underway.  Time to stock up on nachos, birch beer and … ice!

Update: My University of Akron Zips were defeated and knocked out of tournament on November 25, so I set my neighbor's car on fire.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Mooning The Old School Way

One of the worst fashion trends of the past few years is young, urban, males going “beltless” and letting their britches hang too low.   Of course this makes them look totally stupid.   Now I’m not saying they are stupid.  I mean I don’t want you associate the concept of stupid with this in any way.  Forget I even brought up the term stupid at all, although even Forrest Gump was able to master the use of a belt.

I will give these fashion freaks the benefit of the doubt.  They may be too poor to afford a belt.  However if they are wearing $200 Le Bronner basketball shoes, the problem could be bad financial management.  For the others, I propose the forming the charity “Belts For Buttcracks”.
Perhaps these chaps are just ignorant.  People have been using belts to hold up garments for around 4,000 years, but maybe more education is needed.  A solution might be as easy as “Belting” classes in school.  “After threading the belt through the loops on your trousers, pull the belt tight and then buckle. Great, now let’s try it again!”
These classes would not have been necessary many years ago at my high school.  If anyone would have shown up with their slacks hanging that low, they would have immediately gotten “pantsed”.  I am sure of this because one day my friend John wore some new, “odd” pants to school.  Unfortunately those pants were down around his ankles before first period.  This wasn’t being mean, it wasn’t being bullied.  It was to teach you than when you do something too peculiar, there are negative consequences.  Learning how to conform to society norms is an important part of your education.

But upon further review, I believe there is an obvious purpose for this fashion statement.  I believe these guys are just displaying a continuous, quarter-moon.   If prescription medicine can be delivered in a continuous, low-dosage, method, so can a moon.
However if this is the case: YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!
Once again I must take you back to my old high school days because some of the guys at my school were very skilled mooners.  And the best mooner of all was “Billy the Mooner”.  Billy would hold the Guinness World Record for number of people mooned if statistics were available.  If you upset Billy in any way or were an isolated woman (rated higher than a “5”), he would shoot you the moon.  (Now there was nothing at all wrong with this since sexual harassment did not exist back then).
Billy was a mooning machine.  He had more moon shots than NASA.  On his wedding day he mooned his honey before doing anything else. Of course this was after he had mooned all the bridesmaids. 
When it came to mooning, Billy was an expert marksman.  I once saw him moon a teacher during summer break at 50 yards.  If mooning was an Olympic event, Billy would have a pile of gold medals.
Olympic announcer: “Look at that moon shot! He really nailed that one, didn’t he Megan?  Megan? Are you okay?  Here let me help you up.”
Billy never joined the military because he would rather moon the enemy than shoot the enemy.  However now that we are fighting some people who are greatly offended by exposed buttocks, maybe Billy would be considered a weapon of mass destruction.
And Billy so loved to moon people.  After a successful, satisfying, moon, Billy would flash his “moon grin” which signified: Mission accomplished, target mooned.  He also was a master of the moon-and-dash.  He could drop his drawers, shoot the moon and escape before his victims knew what hit them.
Warren Moon
And Billy was a great leader.  He even orchestrated some impressive “gang moons” in the old neighborhood.   Of course I never was able to witness the full splendor of these group moons, because uh, because er, because I was somehow always facing the opposite direction.
So my advice to this new generation of young mooners; don’t do this half-assed, well I guess in your case, don’t do this quarter -assed.  If you are going to shoot the moon, shoot the full moon and then run like hell to make your get-a-way. And you are going to need a belt because you can’t run very fast if your pants are dragging on the ground.