I will give these fashion freaks the benefit of the
doubt. They may be too poor to afford a
belt. However if they are wearing $200
Le Bronner basketball shoes, the problem could be bad financial management. For the others, I propose the forming the charity
“Belts For Buttcracks”.
Perhaps these chaps are just ignorant. People have been using belts to hold up
garments for around 4,000 years, but maybe more education is needed. A solution might be as easy as “Belting”
classes in school. “After threading the
belt through the loops on your trousers, pull the belt tight and then buckle.
Great, now let’s try it again!”
These classes would not have been necessary many years
ago at my high school. If anyone would
have shown up with their slacks hanging that low, they would have immediately
gotten “pantsed”. I am sure of this
because one day my friend John wore some new, “odd” pants to school. Unfortunately those pants were down around
his ankles before first period. This
wasn’t being mean, it wasn’t being bullied.
It was to teach you than when you do something too peculiar, there are
negative consequences. Learning how to
conform to society norms is an important part of your education.
But upon further review, I believe there is an obvious
purpose for this fashion statement. I
believe these guys are just displaying a continuous, quarter-moon. If prescription medicine can be delivered in a
continuous, low-dosage, method, so can a moon.
However if this is the case: YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!
Once again I must take you back to my old high school
days because some of the guys at my school were very skilled mooners. And the best mooner of all was “Billy the
Mooner”. Billy would hold the Guinness
World Record for number of people mooned if statistics were available. If you upset Billy in any way or were an isolated
woman (rated higher than a “5”), he would shoot you the moon. (Now there was nothing at all wrong with this
since sexual harassment did not exist back then).
Billy was a mooning machine. He had more moon shots than NASA. On his wedding day he mooned his honey before
doing anything else. Of course this was after he had mooned all the
bridesmaids.
When it came to mooning, Billy was an expert
marksman. I once saw him moon a teacher
during summer break at 50 yards. If
mooning was an Olympic event, Billy would have a pile of gold medals.
Olympic announcer: “Look at that moon shot! He really
nailed that one, didn’t he Megan? Megan?
Are you okay? Here let me help you up.”
Billy never joined the military because he would rather
moon the enemy than shoot the enemy.
However now that we are fighting some people who are greatly offended by
exposed buttocks, maybe Billy would be considered a weapon of mass destruction.
And Billy so loved to moon people. After a successful, satisfying, moon, Billy
would flash his “moon grin” which signified: Mission accomplished, target
mooned. He also was a master of the
moon-and-dash. He could drop his
drawers, shoot the moon and escape before his victims knew what hit them.
 |
| Warren Moon |
And Billy was a great leader. He even orchestrated some impressive “gang
moons” in the old neighborhood. Of
course I never was able to witness the full splendor of these group moons,
because uh, because er, because I was somehow always facing the opposite
direction.
So my advice to this new generation of young mooners;
don’t do this half-assed, well I guess in your case, don’t do this quarter -assed. If you are going to shoot the moon, shoot the
full moon and then run like hell to make your get-a-way. And you are going to
need a belt because you can’t run very fast if your pants are dragging on the
ground.
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