Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, October 19, 2015

The Sammich Debate Rages On

My book, Just Make Me A Sammich, is not even out yet (release date November 3) and already the title is creating controversy and renewing the debate over the woman/man sandwich making decision. I choose this title because Sammich-making is a running joke throughout my blog and my book is a collection of my favorite blog posts.

I wrote a post earlier this year on this topic which was supposed to end all conflict on the matter.  I said if men would be more polite in their request and women would be more accommodating when their man was hungry (or hangry – anger caused by hunger), then the result would be more sex. Very hot “sammich sex”. That post could even be considered good “sex therapy”. (They call me Dr. Love, they call me Dr. Love).  But now unfortunately, all that good work is gone and the controversy is back.

Recently I made a presentation at a conference for work. I briefly mentioned my book at the end.  Of course the next day no one remembered anything I said in my presentation, they were all talking about “that sammich book”. I sat with a group of customers at lunch. We were supposed to be talking about very important factors in the trucking industry, but of course as soon as I arrived, the topic turned to sammiches.

One woman at the table chimed in, “I believe a husband should treat his wife so well, that he should not even have to ask her for a sandwich. She should want to make him sandwiches.” This confirms my contention that this sammich-making stuff is very important to women.

The guys at the table quickly became mute and looked to me for a response.  I had none. I politely nodded in agreement because this woman is totally correct, men should treat their wives better. But unfortunately, guys are not going to do that because it takes time, effort and skill. And let’s face it, that’s just too much work. Men are just too lazy, and besides, an effort like that takes time away from more important things such as watching football and playing golf.  Of course we got the skills, we just choose not to use them.

But the sammich-making stuff is important to guys also.  I was at a party and Steve was bragging about his new, smokin’ hot girlfriend, who would be arriving soon.  When she got there, I was confused because she looked like a “plain-Jane” to me.  I pulled aside Steve’s friend Tony and asked for an explanation.

“Oh yeah, she’s hot. All the guys want her, she’s a real “sammich-maker”, Tony explained.

“What? I heard of baby-makers, but a sammich-maker?”, I asked.

“Oh yeah, she works at Subway and the woman is an expert sandwich maker.  

She knows how to use “all the toppings” if you get my drift”, he said.

Then I get home and turn on the television and I see Dr. Phil saying:

“On today’s show, we try to help this couple deal with a disagreement over the sammich-making responsibilities in their marriage.  Paul manages a real estate office. When he comes home at night, he’s hungry and wants his wife to make him a sammich, but his wife Sabrina, a real estate agent in that office, says she’s the one that works hard to sell the houses, and Paul can make his own d@#n sammich.”

Paul: She’s my wife. It’s her duty to make the sammiches!

From the more liberated side of the audience: Boo, boo, hiss, hiss, pig – rabble, rabble, rabble.

Sabrina: You sit on your fat a$$ all day, while I do all the work. You should be able to at least make your own sandwich.

Dr. Phil: Sabrina, what are you usually doing when Paul gets home and wants his food?

Sabrina: I’m doing important stuff like watching “Real Housewives of New Jersey”

Less liberated side of the audience: Boo, boo, hiss, hiss, slacker, rabble rabble, rabble.

Dr. Phil: Oh $h!+!  Ladies! Ladies! Stop the fighting! Put the chairs down now! You are not on Jerry Springer!  Don Ake you are an idiot, you stupid sunavabitch. Look at what you have started.

I think I need to reiterate that sammich-making is a personal decision that couples need to decide on and what happens between the sheets, the sheets of bread of course, should remain private and not be discussed publicly. Of course I know men and women will discuss the intimate details with their closest friends.

Jack: Carol made me a sammich last night that was mind-blowingly good. 
Man, it was so awesome and she used only natural, organic, ingredients.  And get this, we didn’t use any condiments!

Bill: No condiments! Are you kidding me? Nothing between the meat and …...

Jack: Oh yeah, it was a totally organic experience.

And then on the other side…...

Sue: I made Rick a sandwich on Tuesday.  He was extremely hangry, so I tried to help him out. 

Becky: You actually made his sandwich for him? Do you think it was worth it? How do you feel about all this?

Sue: Yes, I ended up with mayonnaise all over my face, but it was worth it to me to please Rick in that manner.

Becky: Ewww, I hate the taste of that stuff.

Sammich - star of the front cover!
Ironically I was inadvertently drawn into the controversy because I literally had to ask my wife to make me a sammich to be used in the photo shoot for the cover of my book.  She did this for artistic reasons and did a fantastic job (see photo).  The Sammich became the star of the photo shoot instead of me, which of course made me very jealous.

So again, the book is not about sammiches.  It’s about the absurdities in relationships, life, work, celebrities, sports, and other things that I find amusing. It will be here in just two weeks!  

Buy the book now: Just Make Me A Sammich 

Monday, October 12, 2015

Get A Flu Shot This Year Or Get Screwed

It’s autumn! Time for colorful leaves, football, and of course, getting your flu shot. Every year at this time we are told we must get a flu shot. We are told this by people saying “We are competent, scientific, medical scientists, educated in science, so we know what we are talking about. You must get the flu shot or you will get sick, very sick.  If you get the flu, substances will shoot
out your bodily orifices in colors you never imagined possible. So get a flu shot, get it right now! ”

We are also told the flu shot is extremely effective in preventing the flu, because these scientists have carefully selected the targeted viruses for this year’s vaccine using the most intelligent, supreme, computer models available.  They of course cannot reveal the details of this process without having to kill you, but if you really want to know what it is, it has been posted online by Chinese hackers.

So last year, I dutifully headed this warning and drove 12 miles, filled out paperwork, stood in line, and had a needle poked in my arm by a nurse who wasn’t even “hot”.  And then in February I ended up getting a bad case of the flu.

It seems last year’s flu vaccine was not at all effective, because it had targeted the wrong viruses.  The Center for Disease Control was forced to admit its sophisticated computer model” was really a guy named “Phil” who sits over there in the corner, and that Phil had in fact “guessed wrong”.

They then put out a statement which read:

“Our bad, we could have guessed wrong or maybe the virus just mutated.  We’re not really sure.  We did say you would get real sick if you were infected by the flu virus, and we were right about that. So we do know what we are talking about.  If you get the flu, please try to refrain from dying because that makes us look bad, oh so bad, and stupid.  And remember, we use science, lots of science.”

So after last year debacle, I was very interested in the flu viruses chosen to be included in this year’s vaccine. The first one is called “A California”.  I think a California-type virus doesn’t sound too bad at all.  It is probably a laid-back, hippie-type virus which lacks focus and commitment.  It would rather be hanging out at the beach catching some waves, than causing disruptions in your body.  When confronted by your immune system, it would say “Dude, okay I leaving now. Stop attacking me bro”

The second virus included in this year’s vaccine is the A Switzerland.  This would seem like a gentle, peaceful, virus which might cause a very mild case of the flu.  You could not imagine a Swiss flu causing a war in your intestines. And when confronted by your antibodies, this virus would quickly sign a peace treaty and leave you alone.

However, the third virus targeted by this year’s vaccine is cause for extreme concern.  It is the dreaded B Phuket virus (this is the real name of it – this is true).  I fear that if you contract the B Phuket virus, you will literally be Phuked.  Rest assured, this is a virus with an attitude, a bad-ass attitude, and it isn’t going to care how bad it makes you feel.

The B Phuket is going to rage through your body like a madman.  You are going to get ill, very ill. You are going to feel Phuking awful. You are going to want it to Phuking stop. This virus is going to travel throughout your body shouting Phuket, Phuket, Phuket all!  You will run a dangerously high fever, because the virus is going to make you Phuking hot.

And a virus with an extreme, bad-ass attitude is guaranteed to literally give you a bad ass.  It will produce a nasty case of the Phuking shitz.  Your colon will soon catch fire and explode like fireworks on the Fourth of July.    It will be a Phuking awesome display as flames and smoke pour out of your backside. The air will be thick and the odor Phuking intense.  Your neighbors will call the EPA about an unknown toxic substance in the air. Your can of Glade will be cowering in the back corner of your closet. Your intestines will be Phuked up, yes they will.

Your immune system by itself is no match for a virus with an attitude this horrid.  When your antibodies show up to confront it, it will shout “Phuk you! I’m the Phuking Phuket virus and I’m telling you to Phuk off right now. Phuket, Phuket, Phuket!” This is going to scare the fizz out of your blood cells, who will take the next yellow river ride out of town.

That’s why I am so alarmed about the Phuket virus. Let me tell you, I want that Phuking flu vaccine and I want it Phuking now!  I am not a medical professional, but I am recommending everyone get the flu shot this year so you don’t get that Phuket virus.  And be sure to remember to tell the nurse you came there so she can Phuket you.  I’m sure she will then be extra gentle with that needle.

I’ve warned you – consider this a public service announcement.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Is Mr. Clean Really A Dirty Guy?

I was alarmed by a very disturbing advertisement in my Sunday newspaper.  It said that Mr. Clean multi-purpose cleaner had now been combined with Gain laundry detergent.  This apparently was done to improve the scent of Mr. Clean because there was a “Love at first Sniff” sticker on the bottle.

This is indeed troubling because it raises an important question: Why does Mr. Clean need to smell any better? After all, he’s Mr. Clean isn’t he? If he’s so clean, he should smell fabulous already. So what is the purpose of mixing him with Gain? What is this so called “Mr. Clean” trying to cover up? You may experience “love at first sniff”, but I smell a rat. A dirty rat.

This is even more suspicious in light of the rumored scandals involving Mr. Clean over the years.  First there was the allegation of a dalliance with Mrs. Butterworth.  Mrs. Butterworth was known for being promiscuous and pinning her lovers under her by using her famous “pancake position”.  Very few of the male advertising icons could resist her sweet, sticky, goodness.  After these trysts, many of them were found stuck to the bed, covered in Butterworth’s syrupy goo.

However, even though Mr. Clean was seen entering a hotel with Butterworth, he exited a short time later spotless, even disinfected, with a big smile on his face. Somehow, someway, he was able to wash off all the grime and residue. How he was able to do this and what type of substance he used, is still a mystery.  When asked about it, Mr. Cleaned waffled on his answer.

Then there was the incident with Aunt Jemima. Jemima was also sweet and gooey and this had all the makings of a huge scandal. The rumors gained credence when Mr. Clean appeared with a noticeable black eye, reportedly the result of an altercation with Uncle Ben.  However, advertising agency executives fearing the onslaught of negative publicity, rushed in to concoct a story, explaining that Clean and Ben were fighting over prime advertising spots on Monday Night Football games, and not Aunt Jemima.  Nothing was ever proven otherwise.

Finally, there was the time when Marie Callender allegedly walked in on Mr. Clean and Betty Crocker going at it on the kitchen table.  The location made total sense since both of these icons do their best work in the kitchen.  Crocker said they were just testing the table to see if it was sturdy enough to hold all the side dishes she was going to prepare for a meal that evening.  Clean said Callender was fabricating the story because he had rejected her attention. He said he had no interest in Marie because he found her to be a “cold woman”, even frigid at times.

These alleged scandals were big news when then hit, but they faded away over time.  Mr. Clean was still considered extremely clean.

A few years ago Mr. Clean’s advertising agency attempted to improve his appearance and image by giving him a make-over. He had been a “tough guy” wearing an earring, long before it was fashionable and guys who shave their heads are a bit creepy, no? They softened his image, reportedly to make him more acceptable and pleasing to the modern woman. So they sent him to the spa for an eyebrow trim, facial, exfoliation, waxing, and mani/pedi. Well, la-di-frickin-da!  But maybe the real reason behind this action was to insulate Mr. Clean from these past scandals.

And now they feel Mr. Clean’s natural, manly, scent needs to covered-up by Gain.  What are you hiding Mr. Clean?  What stench are you trying to mask? This is a scandal of epic proportions. Yes, I am saying there is a chance that Mr. Clean is in fact, “dirty”.

I know this possibility seems outrageous. I know that if proven true, it will be painful to accept. However, based what has happened to other advertising figures and celebrities over the past year, we must at least consider that it could be true.  Hey, Hey, Hey, think about this the next time you enjoy some pudding, gelatin, or a made-fresh submarine sandwich.

In light of this obvious attempt to sanitize an already supposedly “Mr. Clean”, I think the Crocker incident should be reexamined.  Around nine months after the kitchen table incident, Betty Crocker gave birth to the Pillsbury Dough Boy. At the time it was naturally thought that Bib – the Michelin Man, was the father.  Bib and Betty were involved in a very public relationship at the time. The Dough Boy, being all white and puffy, does resemble the tire guy. And it was also well known, in one of the most incredible, stupendous, ironies of all time; that Bib preferred not to use rubbers. And of course, nothing says you loved him, like something in the oven.

I think a yeast sample and an appearance on the Maury Povich show is called for to determine who fathered Popin’ Fresh (ironically his name describes what got the sub sandwich guy in trouble).

I demand a complete, thorough, investigation.  But not by Congress, they all need to be soaked naked in Gain for about a month. No, I am calling on the authorities to bring in the most qualified advertising icon for this job, Toucan
Sam ("Follow my nose! It always knows!") to determine if a cover-up exists. I hope I am wrong about Mr. Clean, but something really smells about this situation, and it isn’t the Gain.