It’s autumn! Time for
colorful leaves, football, and of course, getting your flu shot. Every year at
this time we are told we must get a flu shot. We are told this by people saying
“We are competent, scientific, medical scientists, educated in science, so we
know what we are talking about. You must get the flu shot or you will get sick,
very sick. If you get the flu,
substances will shoot
We are also told the
flu shot is extremely effective in preventing the flu, because these scientists
have carefully selected the targeted viruses for this year’s vaccine using the
most intelligent, supreme, computer models available. They of course cannot reveal the details of
this process without having to kill you, but if you really want to know what it
is, it has been posted online by Chinese hackers.
So last year, I dutifully
headed this warning and drove 12 miles, filled out paperwork, stood in line,
and had a needle poked in my arm by a nurse who wasn’t even “hot”. And then in February I ended up getting a bad
case of the flu.
It seems last year’s flu
vaccine was not at all effective, because it had targeted the wrong
viruses. The Center for Disease Control
was forced to admit its “sophisticated computer model” was really a guy named
“Phil” who sits over there in the corner, and that Phil had in fact “guessed
wrong”.
They then put out a
statement which read:
“Our bad, we could
have guessed wrong or maybe the virus just mutated. We’re not really sure. We did say you would get real sick if you
were infected by the flu virus, and we were right about that. So we do know
what we are talking about. If you get
the flu, please try to refrain from dying because that makes us look bad, oh so
bad, and stupid. And remember, we use
science, lots of science.”
So after last year debacle,
I was very interested in the flu viruses chosen to be included in this year’s
vaccine. The first one is called “A California”. I think a California-type virus doesn’t sound
too bad at all. It is probably a
laid-back, hippie-type virus which lacks focus and commitment. It would rather be hanging out at the beach
catching some waves, than causing disruptions in your body. When confronted by your immune system, it
would say “Dude, okay I leaving now. Stop attacking me bro”
The second virus
included in this year’s vaccine is the A Switzerland. This would seem like a gentle, peaceful,
virus which might cause a very mild case of the flu. You could not imagine a Swiss flu causing a
war in your intestines. And when confronted by your antibodies, this virus
would quickly sign a peace treaty and leave you alone.
However, the third
virus targeted by this year’s vaccine is cause for extreme concern. It is the dreaded B Phuket virus (this is the
real name of it – this is true). I fear
that if you contract the B Phuket virus, you will literally be Phuked. Rest assured, this is a virus with an
attitude, a bad-ass attitude, and it isn’t going to care how bad it makes you
feel.
The B Phuket is going
to rage through your body like a madman.
You are going to get ill, very ill. You are going to feel Phuking awful.
You are going to want it to Phuking stop. This virus is going to travel throughout
your body shouting Phuket, Phuket, Phuket all!
You will run a dangerously high fever, because the virus is going to
make you Phuking hot.
And a virus with an
extreme, bad-ass attitude is guaranteed to literally give you a bad ass. It will produce a nasty case of the Phuking
shitz. Your colon will soon catch fire
and explode like fireworks on the Fourth of July. It
will be a Phuking awesome display as flames and smoke pour out of your
backside. The air will be thick and the odor Phuking intense. Your neighbors will call the EPA about an unknown
toxic substance in the air. Your can of Glade will be cowering in the back
corner of your closet. Your intestines will be Phuked up, yes they will.
Your immune system by
itself is no match for a virus with an attitude this horrid. When your antibodies show up to confront it,
it will shout “Phuk you! I’m the Phuking Phuket virus and I’m telling you to Phuk
off right now. Phuket, Phuket, Phuket!” This is going to scare the fizz out of
your blood cells, who will take the next yellow river ride out of town.
That’s why I am so
alarmed about the Phuket virus. Let me tell you, I want that Phuking flu vaccine
and I want it Phuking now! I am not a
medical professional, but I am recommending everyone get the flu shot this year
so you don’t get that Phuket virus. And
be sure to remember to tell the nurse you came there so she can Phuket
you. I’m sure she will then be extra
gentle with that needle.
I’ve warned you –
consider this a public service announcement.
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