Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Always Use Some Horse-Sense When Choosing a Wife

(Note: None of the details presented in this post are made up.  That’s right; sometimes the truth is just that funny!)

The Internet news organizations were sent into gyrations a few weeks ago when North Korea leader Kim Jong Un was seen in a photo with (GASP!) a woman.  But not just any woman, she was a “mystery” woman.  Not to worry, the South Korea intelligence service sprang into action to find out all they could about this chick. This means either they don’t have enough to do or they are very horny guys, or both.

Unfortunately the U.S. could not send agents over there to support their efforts after the Columbian call-girl scandal.  Having our guys spy on beautiful, young, women is just asking for trouble, and let’s face it, too darn expensive.

The South Korean agents quickly identified the woman as Hyon Song Wol, a singer known for the hit party songs; “Footsteps of Soldiers”, “She is a Discharged Soldier” and “We are Troops of the Party”.  Yep, great party songs, Communist Party songs.  No indoctrination going on there!  But Wol’s greatest hit was “Excellent Horse-Like Lady” released in 2005.
Now of course this is disturbing.  I have always questioned the North Koreans’ taste in women since 2000 when 63 year-old Secretary of State Madeline Albright made a diplomatic trip there.  The North Korean leaders all wanted to dance with her because they thought she was hot!  Hell, Madeline Albright wasn’t even hot when she was 23!  There is something really wrong here.  So if the North Koreans think Maddie was a babe, they may just take a second look at ol’ Sadie.

I have never thought about comparing horses to women.  Sure I appreciate sleek, shapely, legs.  But I prefer only two, without hooves, please.  And what guy doesn’t value a set of championship caliber hind-quarters?, but that is as far as it goes.

However when I watched the “Excellent Horse-Like Lady” music video (yes there is one), it showed three happy, very attractive, (no horsing around here) women working in a factory.  So it is excellent to “work” like a horse, but not look (or even smell) like one.  Therefore it appears maybe the North Koreans are making progress in evaluating female beauty.

But then the shocking news came out that the mystery woman was not Hyon Sol Wol, but was really Ri Sol Ju.  Then the news reports started to sound like a “smart- phone” commercial.

“We just found out that Kim Jung Un likes Ri Sol Ju” (that is so 28 seconds ago)

“Wait, she is really his wife!” (that is so 32 seconds ago)

“And they have a 3-year old son!” (that is so 15 seconds ago)

So Kim found a woman, got married, and had a three year-old son all in the span of three weeks!  And you thought North Korea was behind the times!

Not the "First Lady" of North Korea
The good news is that Kim has made an excellent choice and Ri does not resemble a horse.  She does not have a “long-face”.  In fact a North Korean man interviewed for a news report said she has a “round face” and clear skin.  Her legs are shapely, hoove-less and not overly hairy.  Unfortunately there are no photos available to adequately evaluate her hind-quarters, but she is a former cheerleader so we can assume that there is no capitalist junk in that trunk.  The guy interviewed for the news report also said that Ri makes an excellent image of an obedient, comrade, wife and she even “wears colors”!

Kim’s father had four or five wives so Kim is well on his way to collecting a fine stable of fillies.  And because he is 28, likes video games and is in control of a nuclear arsenal, we want him to get all the mane and tail that he wants.

We want him very happy – and exhausted - every night, if you get my drift.  So my advice to Kim is “Giddy Up!”   

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Welcome To Customer Service Hell (There is no one here to assist you)

My blog post on January 9, 2012 included the following statements:

I am about to pay my lawn treatment bill for this year and I am also planning to purchase a new lawn tractor. If you combine these two purchasing decisions together, you should expect the “Great Drought of 2012”.

Northeast Ohio is experiencing the worst drought in 24 years and the fewest number of rainy days in 89 years.  It is indeed the “Great Drought of 2012”, so stick it Farmer’s Almanac, I am way more accurate than you!

And of course I did buy a new lawn tractor in April, but it was not easy.  In fact, it was a visit to customer service hell.    

Attempt #1 – The Specialty Equipment Store

When I arrived at the store that sells my preferred brand, I knew something special was up because of the many cars in the parking lot and streamers and balloons outside the entrance.  There was an open house!  But it was for the recreation equipment (ATV’s and Jet Skis) on the right side of the store, not for the lawn and garden equipment on the left, so I did not expect a problem.  They were even offering free barbeque sandwiches.  Unfortunately I had just eaten, so I was not in need of a sandwich.

But when I turned left, I saw two people already in the showroom obviously needing sales assistance.  The salesman was behind the counter totally engrossed in writing something (an ATV order perhaps).  Sitting across the counter from him was an older guy who I assume used to work there and probably conveniently stopped by for a free sandwich.  The old guy realized there was a customer service problem brewing and decided to try and assist the potential customer looking at the chain saws standing just   a few feet away.

Old Guy:  “Can I answer any questions for ya?”

Potential Customer: “Do these Stihl’s ever go on sale?”

Old Guy: (to Salesman) “Hey, do the Stihl’s ever go on sale?”

Salesman: (never looking up) “Not often”.

Old Guy: (to potential customer) “He said, not often.”

It was at that point that I realized I was hosed.  The store was going to close soon and due to their limited hours I would not be able to return for days. If I needed a free sandwich they could provide that, but if I wanted to actually spend money to buy something, tough luck.

Attempt #2 – The Farm and Tractor Supply Store

I then drove a few miles to this store.  I knew carried my second choice of brands at a decent price.  I was relieved to find the parking lot nearly empty. (Maybe they should give away free sandwiches).  It was my first time in the store so I ended up walking the entire perimeter before I found the lawn equipment section.    

I started looking at the equipment and expected to be waited on soon.   After all, there were more employees in the store than customers and there are few self-service items in this section.  After waiting several minutes, I decided to walk to the parts counter in the back to request assistance.  When the woman by the parts counter saw me walking towards her, she broke eye contact and actually started walking quickly away from me. 

Of course I could have run after her shouting, “Sell me a lawn tractor!  Sell me one now, or I’m going to shove my credit card and its large credit limit right up your wazoo!”  But I didn’t.  I was stunned.  I determined this store was not worthy of my business either and left.  I wondered if I had entered a parallel universe where the economy was so good that stores didn’t need $1,500 sales. 

Attempt #3 – The Home Behemoth 

I do not like shopping at the Home Behemoth because it is too big and you have trouble getting sales help (Ha! Ha! Double Ha!).  I wouldn’t even have stopped here except that it was on my way home and I still needed a lawn tractor. 

I was pleased to find that they also carried my second brand choice at a price $100 cheaper than the farm store.  However the salesperson assigned to that area walked past me three times without making eye contact.  I finally had to tell the old guy stationed by the door that I needed help.  He summoned the salesperson on his walkie-talkie and now, surprise, she was happy to help me. 

The good news is that I love my new Cub Cadet.  It works great and the company is a big supporter of the soccer program at The University Akron (my alma mater).  The bad news of course is that I haven’t mowed my lawn in weeks.  The experts say that the grass is not dead, only “dormant”.  I remember my mom saying the same thing about my goldfish when I was five years old.
This "grass" in my yard is not dead; just dormant.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Our Freedom Is Busting Out All Over

It is always inspirational when someone aspires to achieve greatness.  So we should all be lifted up by the story of Paula Simonds who wants to have the greatest (read largest) breasts in the world. (according to a report by the dailymail.com).

Most people who strive to attain greatness must train, strain and work very hard to achieve their goal.  But Paula (stage name Lacey Wildd) will not need to do any of that (you knew she wouldn’t be jumping rope or doing jumping jacks).  No, to live her dream, Paula will have to undergo her 13th augmentation surgery to pump up her L-cup breasts to Triple-M (gives a whole new meaning to the term “Mm, Mm, good!”).
This raises the question:  Can you have too much of a good thing?  Personally I do not prefer fake breasts, because they are in fact, fake.  It is akin to bra stuffing.  It doesn’t matter to me if the falsies are on the outside or the inside; they are still “false”.  It doesn’t matter if your “date” is 5% plastic or 100% plastic.  Plastic is still plastic.  Implants are acceptable for medical reasons or if a woman is a member of the IBTC (Itty, Bitty, Titty, Committee), but if you are adequate, I see no reason to become more than adequate.

"Fun Bags?"
Of course I know this opinion is in the minority among guys. Most guys love big, firm, fake, breasts.  But can men be so clueless and dense to be fooled by bags of silicone strategically placed?  Okay, stupid question.   Put a pair of large, fake, hooters in front of a man and his brain completely shuts down.
Yes, most men are obsessed with women’s breasts whether they are real or not.  And the bigger the breasts, the bigger the obsession.  A few years ago a woman was hired at a company and the guys who worked there suspected that her breasts were enhanced.  For the next two weeks, a team of engineers worked diligently to determine the critical answer to this burning question.   Using AutoCAD to simulate key waist-hip-bust ratios, they were able to come to a thrilling conclusion: Yes they were fake, and they were spectacular.  The company soon learned to use this woman to collect contributions for company charities because it is very difficult for a guy to say “no” to fake breasts.
But I think it would be very difficult to be married to Paula (she is a divorced mother of five).  Could you sleep soundly at night knowing that she could roll over and smother you to death?  Sure what a great way to go, but you would still be dead.  You would constantly have to be careful about those jugs smacking you in the face.  It would be embarrassing to go to work with black eyes and have your co-workers ask you if your wife beat you up again.  Of course you could say, “No, I just got pummeled again by her humongous breasts. By the way, how was your evening?”
And lovemaking would be an adventure.  First you would have to wear safety goggles to bed because just like a Red Ryder BB gun, those guns could put your eye out.  Older guys would need something longer lasting than Viagra, because it would take more than an hour of foreplay to “adequately cover the terrain.” And I think you would you need extremely large hands, like an NFL wide-receiver, to keep those things under control.  If you have small hands and the session got too passionate, there could be structural damage to your house.
So even though I admire Paula’s ambition, I cannot endorse this.  Her children are against this due to the danger of “stretching, tearing and rupture”, and this is just what could happen to the clothesline when she hangs her bras out to dry.   Even though I do not agree with Paula, this is America.  So as we celebrate Independence Day, let’s be grateful that we live in a country where women have the freedom to inflate their breasts to epic proportions if they choose to.  This is a great country!