Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

These Blowhards Are Playing The Wrong Tune

I saw a headline in the newspaper that said three flautists had recently performed at the local library. I am enraged and disgusted by this.

To have an event where people show up and flaunt their accomplishments is just plain wrong.  There are too many people, with too big of egos, touting their accomplishments everywhere you look.  To hold an event that encourages this is a sad, sad, commentary on our society.

And you hold this at a library?  People go to a library to read or study in quiet, not to be interrupted by some blowhards bloviating about their skills and awards.  To make it even worse, a photograph accompanying the article shows one of the flautists actually playing a flute.  Okay, so the guy must be flaunting his music ability before he tells everyone just how great he is.  But to disturb the serenity of the library by literally tooting your own flute is
C'mon man, quit flauting it!
disgusting.  Why don’t you spend your time trying to give something back to the community instead of yack, yack, yacking about how great you are?  Okay, I get it.  You are a great flute player, but please show some humility.

This boastful arrogance is way out of control.  Witness the outrageous rant by the Seattle Seahawk jerk after they won the NFC championship. Hey buddy, you won the game.  You are supposed to be happy, not fizzed off.  And there is no need to tell us how good you are.  We watched the game, we saw the play.  This rant made him look like a moron, but the worst thing about it is that he upset Erin Andrews.  My strong belief is that no one should ever upset Erin Andrews.  If I was ever near Erin Andrews, I would never, ever, upset her, unless of course, I asked her out on a date.  Then she might get upset that I was bothering her.  But even if she got upset, she would not be nearly as upset as my wife would be, but I digress.

This egomania has saturated our politicians also.  We have a President who is very self-absorbed and can’t speak a sentence without including the words “I” “me” or “my”. He even thinks I care about his college basketball tournament picks every year.  Hey Prez, instead of trying to pick a bracket winner, how about picking a winning plan that will get people back to work?

We also have some governors who think they can push people around because they are larger than life.  Okay so maybe the guy is slightly larger than life, but that doesn’t mean his ego has to be just as fat.  But with that combination, never, ever, cut in front of him at the buffet.  It might be the last thing you ever do. 

But probably the biggest bloviators are those pompous whack jobs who write “personal” blogs.  They go on and on about the most mundane and insipid things. Then they post it proudly on the worldwide web thinking that their musings with generate significant global interest. Guess what blogheads? The people in Bangladesh have better things to do with their iPads.  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!  Whether it is what type of underwear they like, or if they buy a new pair of sunglasses, or worse yet, if some petty thing upsets them.  Yes, they are the most egregious egotists of all. Don’t you think?

Saturday, January 18, 2014

I See Dead People and I Hear Miniature Monks

2014 has just begun and already I’m confused.  Here are some things I can’t figure out so far:

Noises From My Refrigerator

I am now hearing what sounds like Gregorian chants emanating from my new refrigerator.  I have no idea how miniature Gregorian monks got inside my Frigidaire, but they are in there and they are chanting up a storm! Now don’t be alarmed.  I am not hearing voices in my head; I am hearing voices, chanting, melodic, voices, in my fridge.  I don’t hear voices in my head; other people may hear my voice in their heads, which include former teachers, former students, former bosses and even former girlfriends.   Unfortunately, all those people have some significant mental disorders which I have absolutely nothing to do with.

I assume these miniature refrigerator monks have to chant to keep warm inside the fridge.  We know from numerous television commercials that strange things happen when the refrigerator door is closed including various food products that speak perfect English.  I have quickly opened the door hoping to catch those monks in mid chant, but they are evidently too fast for me.  So far this is a just a mild irritation.  However, if those monks get hungry and eat the ham sammich that my woman made for me, then I will have to take serious action and call the Orkin Man who I assume can exterminate miniature chanting monks. 
Hey, Monks! - Get outta my fridge!

My other option is to try to record the chants and make some money.  I’m sure the CD “Monks Chanting Inside Don’s Refrigerator” would be a big seller.

My Deodorant Stinks

Recently I noticed my body odor getting worse.  This alarmed me because my hygiene practices had not changed and I was concerned that I had a health issue.  I then realized that I was using a new body wash that I had bought at an outlet store for a very cheap price.  Yes it was inexpensive, but it was a former private label brand from a major drug chain.  So what if it was cheap and discontinued, soap is soap, right?

The body wash was labeled “Fresh Scent” but I really didn’t know what the scent was because as soon as a worked up a sweat all I smelled was “me”.  So one day I gave myself a big sniff right after showering.  And that’s when I discovered that the body wash smelled like body odor.  Instead of preventing body odor, it gave me body odor.  In effect it wasn’t a deodorant soap, but an “odorant” soap.  I didn’t stink, my soap did!

So this product was providing the exact opposite of what it was intended to do. How does something like this even happen? I suspect a disgruntled employee in the soap factory decided to “stick it to the man”.  “You want fresh; I’ll give you fresh alright!”  And now I smell better before I shower, than afterward.

I’m Not Taking Health Advice From A Living Karkus

There is a healthcare product being advertised on television by someone named Ted Karkus.  This is very disturbing because I am not going to take any health advice from what is literally a walking, talking Karkus.  I’m afraid if I use this product, I could end up a Karkus, just like Ted! Karkus seems enthusiastic, but he is “dead man walking” in my book.  

He may be a happy Karkus, but he is still a Karkus.  I will try mystical Chinese wonder pills that make me irresistible to large Chinese women, before I buy any product from Mr. Ted (walking death) Karkus.  Why would any healthcare company have a Karkus for its spokesperson?  I am so, so, confused.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Bigger Butts Lead To Better Blogs

I blogged about a wide variety of subjects in 2013, but by far the most popular post was “TheseButts Are Big And I Cannot Lie” which took a humorous look at black market butt enhancement surgery.  At first the readership of this post was about average, but then after about three weeks the post started getting over 200 hits each day.

Of course I thought this was because people had finally discovered my spectacular blogging ability and started sharing and reposting this superb literary work.  But then I realized the hits were the result of the post showing up very high on Google searches.  It had inadvertently achieved search engine optimization.

So now when people search for “big butts”, big a**, big black a** and other similar butt-related topics, they are directed to my blog post.  This is odd because the post is not sexually oriented.  Sure, there is a photo of a woman in a provocative pose, but she is fully clothed and it is more humorous than indecent.

But according to my blog statistics, many people are looking for big butts on the Internet.  And this demand for big butts is worldwide.  They love big butts in Germany.  And big butts are also surprisingly popular in Saudi Arabia, India and Morocco.  My butt blog also has even generated hits from Iran.

Of course I thought about the potential of “big-butt” blogging.  I considered starting a blog concentrating on nothing but large derrieres.  If big butts are that popular then someone needs to fill this void. I mean based on the German popularity: “It’s vat da people vawnt!”  But then I realized that exploiting this dalliance for big butts would be wrong.  It was at this point I made a vow to never, ever, write another blog post on the topic of big butts.  And I am determined to keep this vow no matter what.  You have my word on this.  And this includes not posting any other big butt photos in my blog, like the ones shown below, just for the purpose of generating a massive number of hits.

I thought this commotion about big butts was just about over when I received the following phone call:

Caller: May I speak to Mr. Ake’s Pains

Me: I guess that’s me

Caller:  Well this is Sir Mix-A-Lot.  Mr. Pains I hear your recent blog post has revived a world-wide interest in big butts and I was wondering if you would work with me to revive my career. Perhaps you have heard that I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Me: I may have heard that once or twice before, but I can’t help you. My blog was not about guys who like big butts, it was on guys who illegally create big butts. And I don’t really prefer women with big butts.

Mix-A-Lot:  Really Pains? You other brothers can't deny!

Me: But I have to deny

Mix-A-Lot: I think that is so wrong. I think you are practicing “big booty discrimination”

Me: For the record, I do not discriminate against women’s butts on the basis of size, age, race or national origin.  However, I do explicitly believe that the shape of the booty is more important than the size of the booty.

Mix-A-Lot: Come On Akes. Even white boys got to shout “baby got back!”  Admit it. You want a motor in the back of your Honda.

Me:  I still prefer shape over size.  And I’m afraid my Honda riding days are over, Sir.

Mix-A-Lot: But if you don’t help me, how am I going to jump start my career? I need your help.

Me: Okay, couldn’t I just pretend to like big butts?

Mix-A-Lot: Are you telling me you would say you like big butts and you could lie about it.

Me: Sure