Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Joe’s Prostate Has A Problem

I was watching a very manly sporting event on my big screen when suddenly former NFL quarterback Joe Theismann appears with some extremely disturbing news.  Joe is very upset and seems to be in serious pain because of his prostate.  He then goes on to describe in excessive detail how his prostate has swelled to enormous proportions and the problems this is causing him.

When Theismann was quarterbacking the Redskins, he had a very athletic prostate.  It was type of prostate that would hang in the pocket and not get jittery, a prostate that could thread the needle and perform at a very high level.  But now his prostate is weaker, bloated and unpredictable, and prone to spraying errant passes all over the field.

And because Joe is concerned about his prostate, he thinks you should be very concerned about yours also.  If his NFL quality prostate has deteriorated this much, image what condition your fat, lazy, gland is in.  This did make me very concerned.  It also made me want to run to the bathroom because I had just finished a large birch beer.

But now Joe is smiling because his prostate is very happy.  He found these magic pills to shrink and control his prostate.  It turned his dominant alpha prostate into a passive super-beta prostate, that just sits quietly in the corner until you need it.  No need to see your doctor about the problem.  Who are you going to trust, some quacky geek or a pro quarterback? 
Joe's NFL caliber prostate in action

But I did feel very uncomfortable watching a former great athlete talk so vividly about a personal issue.  I want to remember Joe Theismann running for a key first down, not running for the first toilet he sees.

And Then It Happened Again

A few days later former gymnast Mary Lou Retton, the darling and gold-medal winner of the 1984 Olympics is on my television screen and she also has a problem.  It seems that all that stretching, pressing and doing power splits, have loosened up Mary Lou’s plumbing.  Her pipes have greatly widened with age and are now leaking.

This is very disappointing to all the men who were big fans of Mary Lou years ago.  She was the perfect female gymnast.  She was pretty, she spoke English, she was very flexible and she even had breasts!  Guys fanaticized about helping Mary Lou practice balancing on a beam, exercising on the floor and of course, nailing a dismount.

Fortunately Retton has found some super absorbent pads to help contain her problem.  She does seem happy with this solution, but I would still not attempt any vaults or splits without a cleaning crew standing by.
Did this cause the problem?

Retton is still very attractive, but I don’t need to know about her personal issues.  It is a real turn-off.  I want to remember her for scoring a “10” on the floor exercise not doing “number one” all over the carpet. 

And Then It Got Worse

I already thought this trend was out of control when Tony Siragusa interrupts my T.V. show.  Siragusa was an NFL lineman for 12 seasons and was the epitome of masculine machismo.  He was a hulking, strong, giant of a man.  But now, he also has a personal problem.  He is committing what amounts to illegal procedure in his underwear.  His solution is to wear inserts, a partial diaper if you will.  Sirugusa used to be one of the best guards in football, but now he is putting guards in his underpants.

I want to remember Siragusa as a tough guy who breaks through the opponents shield to sack the quarterback, not some guy who has to carry a sack of soiled shields out to the trash.  And the worst thing about this is: HE IS NINE YEARS YOUNGER THAN I AM! 

I am not making fun of these medical conditions, which are very serious and that afflict many people, including my friends.  What bothers me is that my former sports heroes are revealing very personal issues that I don’t need, nor want, to know.  This is way too much information for me.  This is making me so upset that I am close to p*$$*ng my pants, ah, uh wait, what were those things called again, Siragusa? 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

These Butts Are Big - And I Cannot Lie

Ever since the rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot sang “I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie”, in the song “Baby Got Back”, many women have desired to have delicious derrieres like the ones featured in that music video.  Unfortunately this trend has led to the emergence of a black market butt enhancement surgery. (I learned about this alarming practice in a recent newspaper article.  Incredibly, I am not making this up!)

Legitimate butt enhancement surgery performed by a doctor costs around $4,500, but the black market variety, usually performed in someone’s garage is a “bargain” at $2,100.  I don’t know which is worse, paying two grand to let a non-doctor perform a medical procedure on you in their home or actually charging money and performing this surgery using industrial tools.

The article said women are willing to undergo the black market surgery to look better in bikinis, fill out their jeans and most importantly, to get gigs performing in rap videos.  I know this seems ludicrous to many women who desire a smaller rump, not a bigger one.   This surgery is desired primarily by younger women because, of course, the size of a woman’s posterior can expand to enormous proportions as she ages.  It is therefore very dangerous to accelerate this expansion.
Too much of a good thing?

I am not opposed to women having cosmetic surgery if the conditions are right and they have the cash, but I don’t think this is the best option for most women.  And it is not necessary for filling out your jeans since there are inserts, rump falsies if you will, that can do that for much less money.  Of all the cosmetic surgeries a woman could have, butt enhancement surgery would seem to provide the least bang for the buck.  Er, let met rephrase that.  On second thought, no, that statement is fine as is.  Although I know Sir Mix-A-Lot would disagree and he cannot lie.

The only two positive things you can say about the back-alley butt surgeons are that they are both entrepreneurs and innovators.  They did not try to emulate legitimate butt enhancement surgery which consists of inserting an implant in each cheek.  No, they developed their own method.  This consists of making an incision, inserting a tube under the skin, and then using an air compressor to pump industrial-grade silicone into each buttock.  The incision is then sealed using cotton balls and super glue. (According to the article).
So while a doctor purchases his equipment and supplies from a medical supply firm, the illegal operators buy their stuff at the Home Depot.

Clerk: Wow, another 55-gallon drum of industrial silicone.  Are you a contractor?

Buttman:  Er, yeah.  That’s it, I’m a contractor.
Clerk: What type?

Buttman: Um, let’s just say I specialize in improving back doors and back porches.

This silicone injection method actually works – for a while.  Over time the silicone begins to set up and the “patient” literally becomes a hard ass.  Very unfortunately the silicone is extremely difficult to remove and complications can result serious illness and even death. (She wanted an ass to die for and she did).

But apparently some women are willing to take this risk to achieve their goal of being “rump shakers” in the next big music video.  It does have to be very traumatic for these women to be auditioning for a video and hearing the director shout:

“Stop! Okay, third bitch from the left.  Get your bony ass out of here! Put on your skinny jeans and go home!   
And it is very rare to have a rump awesome enough to be in a music video.  As research for this post I streamed “Baby Got Back” to my 60” HD TV and after viewing it I can honestly say: “I fear big butts and I cannot lie”.

This pirate needs more booty!
However I do have compassion for these women, so I have established the charitable organization “Booty For Booties” to raise money so that woman with malnourished asses can receive legitimate butt enhancement surgery performed by a medical doctor.  This will allow these formerly flat-cheeked ladies to pursue their hopes and dreams of being big-butted, music video stars.