Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, March 25, 2013

I Am Pitbull - So Don’t Stop My Party

A couple of my friends dealt with mid-life crises by buying very expensive, red, convertibles.  I am going through my own mid-life crisis but it could take me a long time just to get into one of those sports cars and you can forget about the thrill of the wind blowing through my hair.  So I dealt with my situation in a much more rational and mature way: I decided to prove to the world that I’ve still “got it”, by trying to be like the rapper Pitbull.

Pitbull is that cool guy with the shaved head in those beer commercials who apparently is very concerned about curfews because he keeps shouting “Don’t stop the party”.  He is very popular because when he raps he gets so into it the he gyrates as if he is having a seizure.  People love this, but if he ever does have a seizure during a concert, he is toast because everyone will keep partying instead of calling 911.

Pitbull’s other trademark is his super-stylish sunglasses which he wears all the time.  Since I already am sporting the shaved head, it was time to visit the yuppie sunglasses store at the mall.  I showed the babelicious saleswoman Katie a photo of Pitbull with shades and she found three pairs that were “bull worthy”.   I found the one I liked the best and looked in the mirror.  I was wearing my black leather jacket and the effect was stunning.

“I look bad-ass”, I exclaimed.

“You do look bad-ass.  You look very bad-ass”, said Katie

Of course when a hot chick tells a guy my age that he looks “bad-ass”, you know that I really have to have those sunglasses.

There was only one more detail.  It is very important that a guy’s sunglasses enable him to stare at women’s boobs undetected.

“Can you tell that I am staring at your boobs?" I asked Katie.

Katie looked carefully and said, “I can see your eyes, but I can’t tell where they are focused”.

She then proceeded to pose from various distances and angles while I admired her body (really happened.)

When I pointed out to Katie that I had just convinced a smoking hot woman to let me stare at her in various positions, she blushed big time.  I immediately apologized; worried that I had crossed the line.

"That’s perfectly fine", Katie cooed.  “In fact that sounded like something Pitbull would say.  I think those glasses are working for you.  You have a much more confident attitude.”
At this, I immediately removed the glasses because I was afraid that Katie was going to embrace me right there in the store. The total came to $234.75, which is probably more than I have paid for all the sunglasses I have ever owned in my life.

Now some of you might be thinking that this is too much money to pay for a pair of sunglasses when there are so many starving children in Africa.  I say the sunglasses are cheap compared to paying $50,000 for a sports car and of course I am writing a check for $49,765.25 to the Donation Opportunity Now African Kids Enrichment fund.

I decided I had to wear the sunglasses all the time (including inside) because I paid so much for them and of course because this is what Pitbull does.  However this did cause me some unexpected problems.   First of all, I was tripping over everything at work because it was too dark.  Then during a big meeting, an executive suddenly barked out, “Ake, take off those sunglasses. What are you doing, daydreaming behind those things?”  Of course I wasn’t daydreaming!  What type of lackey does he think I am?  I was just staring at the boobs of the woman sitting across the table.

Then one day I was talking to my friend Sally in the grocery store. She was telling me about her weekend plans when she stopped suddenly and questioned, “Are you starring at my boobs?”
A gentlemen will never admit this (although I doubt very much if women mind when Pitbull stares at their boobs) so I said: “No, of course not. Why do you ask?”

Mr. Bull****
Because you are wearing sunglasses and I am wearing a $100 push up bra!  You should be staring at my boobs!

The other bad thing about wearing sunglasses is that it impairs your peripheral vision which means I never saw the bitch slap coming.  It stung really bad and there was ringing in my ears for a couple days, but most importantly, the sunglasses were not damaged.

After that incident, I am no longer wearing my sunglasses indoors, or at night, for that matter.  I can’t wait for summer to get here so I can truly transform into Pitbull.  I hope people start calling me Mr. Bull, of course people often refer to me as Mr. Bull-something already.      

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I Have Finally Changed My Underwear

We live in a time of great innovations. Over the last decade we have seen MP3 players, tablets, smart phones and big screen televisions, etc. But in my opinion the greatest recent creation has been something surprisingly low-tech, it is the Boxer Brief.

This is one of the greatest inventions of all time.  This wonderful undergarment combines the freedom of the boxer, with the security of the brief.  Freedom and security - these are the same concepts that make America great.  This is truly American underwear, although the last pair I bought was in fact made in Indonesia.  But regardless, let freedom ring and be secure, at the same time! 
These concepts are very important to a man and more specifically, to his man parts.  Remember the Seinfeld episode involving Kramer getting so frustrated because neither boxers nor briefs satisfied “his boys” that he just gave up and decided to go “commando”.  
This makes "the boys" very happy
But now there is the grand compromise.  The boxer and brief come together into a pair of uber-wear that is extremely pleasing to your man parts and thighs.  If our government leaders would compromise like this, our country would be so awesome that we could take over Canada and Mexico without any resistance.  After we gave their leaders the finest boxer briefs available, they would be so delighted they would sign over their territories without a fight. 

For years there was a lively debate over which was better, the boxer or the brief.  President Bill Clinton even commented on the subject in 1994, although we know his focus was never on getting into “men’s” undergarments.  Once a younger co-worker of mine became discouraged because a survey said women preferred men wearing boxers over briefs.  My friend was a brief wearer and said to me, “Don, I just don’t get it.  Why would women say that?” I told him that he is never going to understand women.  But I also told him that it doesn’t matter which they prefer because once you get to the point where they can see your skivvies, all that matters is that they are clean and atheistic (without any hole-liness).  You are just going pull them off quickly anyhow, so you don’t need to make a change. 

But this once heated debate is over.  The boxer brief is truly superior to any other underwear.   The only reason boxers and briefs are still sold is men have issues with changing their underwear.  Men put as much apprehension into making a decision to change their type of underwear as they put into changing their religion.  Under no circumstance do you want to upset your man parts.  I can still remember purchasing my first pair of boxer briefs.  I nervously looked around to see if anyone was watching me at the underwear rack.  I made my selection and keep them hidden under my arm while waiting in line.  I was worried the cashier might give me a strange look for buying such “weird” shorts.  She didn’t flinch, but she did have to swipe my credit card for me since I was shaking so badly.

But when I got home and put on the new boxer briefs for the first time, it was like having a religious experience.  If my man parts could, they would have been singing for joy.  I have been sporting boxer briefs ever since. 
I believe the inventor of the boxer brief should win the Nobel Peace Prize because this invention has enabled my man parts and thighs to live in perfect peace.  The war in my pants has ended.  We have harmony, we have tranquility, and we are all living in one accord (with no chafing!). 

And it’s getting even better! My newest pairs of boxer briefs are treated with an anti-microbial to inhibit odor.  When I am wearing these, I feel like I can meet any challenge, scale any mountain and vanquish any foe.  If they ever invent a pair of boxer briefs with a muffler on the back, I will rule the world!