Just Say No To Going Commando (RUU)

Cottonelle has introduced a new bathroom tissue with unique ripples which promises a cleaner and more confident “wiping” experience.  So clean and confident, that an Internet commercial encourages users of this new wonderful paper to “Go Commando”.

Of course it is very dangerous and irresponsible for Cottonelle to promote this activity to everyone.  Obviously this promotion should have had an “age limit” such as: Not recommended for people 50 years of age or older.  Cottonelle has made a rash decision that has the potential to irritate many people.

Because baby boomers will tend to try anything younger people do, just to prove we still got it. (Like being a 71-year old Secretary of State and falling off your bike and breaking your leg).  But we don’t “got it”, we only got some of it left and we got less of it every day.

If you are a boomer and you are considering going commando after wiping with Cottenelle, let me explain it like this:

When a house is new, its plumbing is strong and secure.  The pipes are shiny and the fittings are tight.  However, as the house ages the pipes can weaken and corrode, the fittings get loose, and leaks will occur.

No, you should never go “commando”. Yes, there was a time when your “soldiers” were in top fighting shape.  You were confident that they would only discharge their guns where and when needed.  But now the soldiers are getting older, they can fire their weapons unexpectedly and randomly.  They cannot be trusted, so you must keep them well contained at all times and even consider offering an extra defensive shield for these soldiers as they age.  Your soldier is capable of firing off a series of “wet ones” when you didn’t even know there was one in the chamber.  A whole case of Cottonelle can’t help you

Even Arnold is now too old for this high jinks!

then.

There was a day when you let your boys and girls run free, basking in the warm glow of wild abandonment.  I hope you enjoyed those days, because they are over.  It’s time for the boys and girls to come inside the secure protection of a loving home.

I know that some of you guys might see this is an opportunity to show off your equipment one last time.  Unfortunately that bulge is now the result of an enlarged prostate and that should not be flaunted, it needs to be treated by a doctor.

In addition, I would not recommend this commando challenge to any mothers who have sent multiple packages down the chute. Especially if any of these resembled a holiday ham.  I strongly advise against this.

In conclusion, unless you are in total control of your soldiers, do not take Cottonelle up on this challenge.  And I call on Cottonelle to end this campaign immediately lest people post photos of their failures on  Instagram and soil your reputation.

Boomers, do not join this movement!  Because for this movement to be successful, there has to be no movement and that is precisely why it will ultimately fail.

To see the campaign: https://www.cottonelle.com/go-commando

I Have Finally Changed My Underwear

We live in a time of great innovations. Over the last decade we have seen MP3 players, tablets, smart phones and big screen televisions, etc. But in my opinion the greatest recent creation has been something surprisingly low-tech, it is the Boxer Brief.

This is one of the greatest inventions of all time.  This wonderful undergarment combines the freedom of the boxer, with the security of the brief.  Freedom and security - these are the same concepts that make America great.  This is truly American underwear, although the last pair I bought was in fact made in Indonesia.  But regardless, let freedom ring and be secure, at the same time! 

These concepts are very important to a man and more specifically, to his man parts.  Remember the Seinfeld episode involving Kramer getting so frustrated because neither boxers nor briefs satisfied “his boys” that he just gave up and decided to go “commando”.  

This makes "the boys" very happy

But now there is the grand compromise.  The boxer and brief come together into a pair of uber-wear that is extremely pleasing to your man parts and thighs.  If our government leaders would compromise like this, our country would be so awesome that we could take over Canada and Mexico without any resistance.  After we gave their leaders the finest boxer briefs available, they would be so delighted they would sign over their territories without a fight. 

For years there was a lively debate over which was better, the boxer or the brief.  President Bill Clinton even commented on the subject in 1994, although we know his focus was never on getting into “men’s” undergarments.  Once a younger co-worker of mine became discouraged because a survey said women preferred men wearing boxers over briefs.  My friend was a brief wearer and said to me, “Don, I just don’t get it.  Why would women say that?” I told him that he is never going to understand women.  But I also told him that it doesn’t matter which they prefer because once you get to the point where they can see your skivvies, all that matters is that they are clean and atheistic (without any hole-liness).  You are just going pull them off quickly anyhow, so you don’t need to make a change. 

But this once heated debate is over.  The boxer brief is truly superior to any other underwear.   The only reason boxers and briefs are still sold is men have issues with changing their underwear.  Men put as much apprehension into making a decision to change their type of underwear as they put into changing their religion.  Under no circumstance do you want to upset your man parts.  I can still remember purchasing my first pair of boxer briefs.  I nervously looked around to see if anyone was watching me at the underwear rack.  I made my selection and keep them hidden under my arm while waiting in line.  I was worried the cashier might give me a strange look for buying such “weird” shorts.  She didn’t flinch, but she did have to swipe my credit card for me since I was shaking so badly.

But when I got home and put on the new boxer briefs for the first time, it was like having a religious experience.  If my man parts could, they would have been singing for joy.  I have been sporting boxer briefs ever since. 

I believe the inventor of the boxer brief should win the Nobel Peace Prize because this invention has enabled my man parts and thighs to live in perfect peace.  The war in my pants has ended.  We have harmony, we have tranquility, and we are all living in one accord (with no chafing!). 

And it’s getting even better! My newest pairs of boxer briefs are treated with an anti-microbial to inhibit odor.  When I am wearing these, I feel like I can meet any challenge, scale any mountain and vanquish any foe.  If they ever invent a pair of boxer briefs with a muffler on the back, I will rule the world!