Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, January 26, 2015

This Super Bowl Match Up Is Deflating

I have a big dilemma on what team to cheer for in this year’s Super Bowl.

I do not like the Seattle Seahawks….

They have a snooty, arrogant, coach and he has produced a snooty, arrogant, team.  Appropriately, their logo features a snooty, arrogant, bird.  In addition, Seattle had the audacity to steal the Professional Bowlers Association from my hometown of Akron.  I don’t bowl, so why would I care?  We don’t have that much in Northeast Ohio, so when another city steals what we do have, we get resentful. That’s why I believe Baltimore is the equivalent of Hell (yes, capital H).

But as much as I dislike the Seattle Seahawks, I dislike cheaters even more ….

It appears the New England Patriots tried to gain an advantage in their previous game by playing with deflated balls.  This is disgusting on multiple levels.  Football is a very manly game, played by manly men, seeking to place an inflated animal carcass on “special” areas of a field, and be awarded points. Men will literally crash their skulls together causing permanent injuries in order to move that carcass to its desired spot.  So to try to cheat by using a sissified ball is total unacceptable.  You are not the “Pats”, you are the Patsies.

You should not expect to penetrate the desired area with weak, squishy, balls.  No, to score (in all areas of life) you need firm, hard, balls that are shoved with brute force through the “plane of the goal line”.

When the game has reached its climax, deflated balls may be an indication of a job well done. However, you should never try to actually play the game with weak, flaccid, balls, because you are just not going to score.  You are going to stall within the red zone, your scoring drive is going to peter out, and you won’t even get a field goal.

Both the Patriots coach and quarterback deny knowledge of the condition of their balls.  This is pure bull$#!+.  I know this is a delicate and sensitive area, but a man knows when his balls are overinflated, he knows when they are underinflated, and he knows when things feel just right.

You had better bring your best equipment to this game!
And of all people, quarterback Tom Brady should know the importance of properly inflated balls since he is married to super-model Gisele B√ľndchen.  He should know that he needs to bring strong, hard, balls to the game if he is going to score.  I know from my extensive game experience with super-models that they do not enjoy it if you bring soft, squishy, balls onto their field.  They will penalize you for personal foul and the game will be over.  No, you need solid, plump, balls when dealing with a naked, eager, Gisele B√ľndchen.  I am starting to get inflated just thinking about it.

The NFL is trying to develop a procedure to make sure game balls are properly inflated.  It is easy to determine when balls are overly inflated because those balls will appear bluish, however determining under inflation is a problem.  My solution is to have NFL cheerleaders feel the balls before the game. 

These ladies, as judged by their appearance, probably have much experience evaluating ball strength and getting them ready for play.  In addition, any ball that is underinflated would no doubt gain some hardness after being rubbed down by a cheerleader.

This controversy has even caused concern for this year’s Lingerie Bowl.  That league is also worried about proper inflation and not just for the footballs.  I have offered to go to the game and personally make sure everything there is pumped up properly to the leagues standards.  After completing this job I would be willing to stay and serve as a locker room attendant, because that is the multi-tasking, helpful, caring, type of person I am.

Because of this cheating and lack of machismo by the New England Patsies, I am going to be forced to watch this game with the level of interest of a librarian watching her only football game of the season at a Super Bowl party.  Oh, maybe there will be some commercials with cute cats in them. Perhaps I will try the spinach dip on some organic, whole-grain, wafers.

I can feel my balls deflating already …… 

Monday, January 19, 2015

Eating Miraculous Rice Cakes

On January 8 I ate my first rice cake since the annual holiday eating binge began in mid-December.  Before my first bite, I stared at it in wonder realizing what I needed it to do.  I was expecting this simple rice cake to somehow attack and remove the fat that had magically attached itself to my body.

I wanted it to remove all traces of the Christmas candy, to annihilate the Honey Baked Ham, to neutralize the impact of the holiday cheeses, to unfig the figgy pudding and to de-pie the Christmas pies.  Ah the Christmas pie – Do I want more pie? DO I WANT MORE PIE? Why do you even ask?  Don’t be wasting time asking silly questions and bring me some more pie.  Instead of all this yakking, I could already be tasting that delicious Christmas pie right now.

So I am putting immense faith in this rice cake which has to be the most dishonest food ever invented.  Cake? Are you joking? This is a “cake” in geometric terms only.  You would never serve this so called cake for dessert.  You would not put candles on it and celebrate a birthday. You would never
What the hell even is this stuff?
order it in a restaurant to finish your meal.  No, it is a food to be eaten in shame. In the privacy of your home, with the lights off and the curtains closed.  It is a cake as much as soap is a cake.

And I’m sure it is even made of rice. Can you really tell?  My “cakes” are made by an oats company.  How do we know it does not sweep up all the rotten oats left on the floor, bleach it white, and press it into cakes?  And it doesn’t taste like rice; it tastes like Styrofoam, but not good Styrofoam. No, like stale, dried, Styrofoam that had been left in the sun to rot.

And this so called food is unsatisfying and not filling. You think you are going to lose weight by eating this, but you end eating 10 of them and you are still hungry!

So “rice cakes” are liars, masqueraders, if you will. Rice Cakes would be a better name for a Chinese stripper, although the term “cakes” might be an exaggeration.  I tried to find a photo of a Chinese stripper to post here, but I couldn’t find one.  It seems Rice Cakes the stripper is just as unsatisfying and unfulfilling as rice cakes the food.

And yet, I buy and eat this crap because I am fat. My body has a seemingly endless capacity to expand to accommodate all the fat that wants to take up residence after the holidays.  The annoying relatives at least go home at some point – but not the annoying fat.

It is extremely unfair that while my body readily expands to house the fat, but my clothes do not.  I am now wearing that Spanish line of clothing – Pantalones Splitones.   I look longingly at my skinny jeans hanging in the closet.  They see me staring and mock me.  “Someone had too much pie at Christmas, didn’t he?  Maybe you should eat some rice cakes.” I move towards them and they shriek, “Don’t even think about touching me”. This of course describes my high school dating experience in one sentence.

As I pondered this cylindrical piece of ah, whatever, I came to the realization that I was putting more faith in rice cakes than you would in a communion wafer.  I was hoping it would miraculously transform me back into a previous time, a time when I once again could fit back into my pants.  I wanted this cake to make me a muffin, a stud-muffin.

Yes, this was a type of sacrament for fat people.  In the church of the Hefty, this is the penance for the sin of eating too much pie.  I examined the rice cake carefully looking for an image of some saint or prophet on it, maybe even Jenny Craig, but there was none.

People believe in the power of the rice cake because we are wired to put too much hope in things; whether it is money, new relationships, new jobs, people, or politicians. This false hope always leads to disappointment, so I’m sure I will end up very disappointed in this rice cake.

And marketers understand we are hope-mongers.  They promise us that their products will change our lives for the better. They play us for poor, hopeful, saps. There is even a new yogurt on the market that implies it provides health benefits and makes you popular with the ladies.  Of course I am much too smart to fall for that nonsense.  But I think I may try some because it sounds pretty good.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A Holiday Shopping Wonderland

I made my annual trip to the mall this Christmas.  We think we are very sophisticated, complex, beings but play some Christmas carols (audio stimulus) and shine some Christmas lights (visual stimulus) and we are drawn to the mall like rats to the cheese.  Of course there is some good cheese at the mall, usually packaged with a tasty beef log.  Mmmm, beef log.

Surprisingly, the mall wasn’t that crowded.  I assume more people were shopping on-line this year, maybe because of all the credit card fraud at some major retailers.  When on-line shopping is the safest option, you know there is a problem.  I was going to buy a Sony television but I was afraid I would end up also buying Christmas gifts for thousands of North Koreans.  A “North Korean Christmas” (Oh, let’s see what Little Kim Jong-un got this year!) might make a heartwarming Hallmark movie, but it would be a horror movie when I opened my credit card statement.
Not going to be his "Secret Santa"!

Shopping In The Cloud

My first stop was Yupperman’s department store.  The perfume cloud at the front of the store was so thick this year that it coated my body.  Normally I would be concerned about arriving home reeking of perfume, but this is the expensive stuff worn by classy ladies.  My wife knows that women this refined would not be cavorting with the likes of me.

I think I figured out why these stores create the perfume cloud.  Once guys get coated with this stuff, they may feel more feminine and be tempted to become transvestites.  “Hey, I’m already wearing women’s perfume; maybe I should get some women clothes!”  You may scoff, but the women’s clothing section is located next to the fragrances. Coincidence? - I think not.   Don’t worry; it did not work on me.   Yupperman’s clothing is much too classy and expensive for a cheap tramp like me.

Please Just Shut Up

At my next stop, the perky sales clerk insisted on explaining the Super Duper Customer Loyalty Program in excruciating detail. The program is about as complicated as quantum physics and twice as boring.  As far as I can tell the program has something to do with earning “points”.  But as a guy, the only points I care about are how many Ohio State scored in the Sugar Bowl, which are 42 and how many points are prominent in the latest Jennifer Lopez video, which are always “2”.

Camping Out At The Mall

I had problems navigating around the calendar kiosk because some guy decided he would park his baby stroller in the main aisle.  Only this was not a traditional stroller, it was a baby Winnebago.  It had enough storage space for a camping trip to the Alaskan wilderness.  I can’t imagine a baby owning enough stuff to store in that contraption; perhaps these people shop at Yupperman’s.  I just hope they eventually donate that to a homeless person (and his family).

I was surprised the daily calendar “What Your Poo Is Telling You” is still very popular.  I was again tempted to buy it, but realized that it would be giving me shit every day this year, which very accurately describes my previous job.  No, I’ve already lived that year and never, ever, want to do it again.

Keep No Secrets

I did not shop at Victoria’s Secret because it’s not a good place for middle-aged guys.  If the size is too small, you get no sex.  If the size is too large, you definitely get no sex. If the size is correct, but the style is wrong, you still get no sex.  It’s just too risky.  I also try to avoid stores where the sales women wear push-up bras.  Would you like the matching feather scarf with that, it’s only $50 and it looks oh so sexy, purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?”  Push-up bras = pushed up profits.  No, this is a store for the younger, clueless, guys who are actually going to get sex, regardless of what they buy.

I Lost My Head Over This One

I was very offended to see that the male mannequins in one department store were all headless.  This is highly insensitive considering recent world events.  If we make mannequins already without heads, then the terrorists have won!  Either that or the store is implying that men are brainless when it comes to fashion decisions, so women need to buy them some decent clothes.  And we all know that it so not true.

I Skipped The Free Food Sample

But the weirdest thing I saw at the mall was this Asian guy handing out food samples in front of the Japanese food stand “Wok This Way” in the food court.  I noticed that he had this strange, slightly angry, expression on his face and I wondered why. I think the guy was in fact half-Asian but was contorting his face to appear full-Asian.  He probably thought he could hand out more samples if he looked more authentic and I do admire his dedication to his job. 

Of course I cannot fully describe exactly what he was doing without being extremely offensive and horribly politically incorrect.  You will have to figure this one out on your own, since I would not want you to have a slanted opinion of me.