Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Friday, January 27, 2023

We Couldn’t Care Any Less – Except for the beer thing

When you are a toddler, you basically live a carefree existence. You literally can make it through the entire day without a care in the world. People actually make you sammiches without you even having to ask! How terrific is that?

You only start to care about things when you start school. Learn something! Or else you could die penniless in the street. Of course, you are too young to realize they are manipulating you.  

You need to care about school! That is why they never teach about, let alone mention, “living on welfare” anytime between kindergarten and 12th grade. If you knew you could exist without ever working, you would have kids dropping out of school in fifth grade. “Long division? Screw you; I’m going home – to play video games. They never mention “living on welfare” in college either, because if you drop out, you deprive the school of revenue. No, it is important to “join the workforce,” where your soul will be sucked out of you.

But some kids figure out you don’t need an education to survive. At the time, we viewed these as the dumb kids. But who are the real dummies? Remember that Ralph kid who was always cutting class? Well, you ended up paying for his Cheetos and lottery tickets for his entire life, not to mention beer.  

Ralph thanks you!

Everything Matters

Once you graduate from high school, you suddenly become aware of the whole world, and you care about everything. Your mind is young, wild and adventurous, and so idealistic. You want to save the whales, feed the world, explore the supernatural, and attempt to fix things that have worked just fine for the last few hundred years. 

But then you enter your 30s and must start adulting. You may still care about many things, but life forces you to prioritize. You may still want to save the whales, but saving 15% on that big-screen tv becomes so much more rewarding. And it basically stays that way throughout your adult life. Your caring is spread throughout multiple concerns as you juggle those balls and spin those plates, hoping only to drop a few along the way.

Becoming Care-Less

A significant change occurs when you join the MOACA (Men of a Certain Age) tribe. (And please, no crap about offending Indians because tribes have existed for over 30,000 years. So I apologize to all of you remaining Neanderthals out there.) MOACAs have retired from most of their adult responsibilities and now have time once again to care about everything. However, now they care about very little.

Random Someone On Facebook: Hey! Who can solve this equation?

35 / 54 + 6 x 3 – 8

MOACA: Tell me the real-life problem this represents, and I will tell you the answer.

RSOF: Ha, ha. It doesn’t represent anything! I just made it up.

MOACA: WTHC (Who the Heck Cares) – Note: you can substitute a stronger H-word if so inclined. You might even prefer to go full MOACA with the WTFC version.

RSOF: By the way, the answer is 4!

MOACA: 4 what

RSOF: Uh, 4 nothings. Just 4.

MOACA: Then what difference does it make? STHU (Shut the Heck Up) or of course, STFU if you prefer.

Is That Your Final Answer?

MOACAs signature answer to many things is WTHC. The question can be irrelevant, irreverent, or too difficult. Often, when the MOACA should know the answer but can’t remember it, the WTHC answer is still the same. It is that wisdom, blended with experience, coupled with all that crankiness, which gives the MOACA his charm.

MOACAs are terrible at trivia since they either can’t remember the answers they should know, and don’t care about the rest of them. And they are never chosen to be contestants on Jeopardy!

Jeopardy Host: She became Queen of France in 1422.


Jeopardy Host: Yes, Mr. MOACA, you buzzed in first. Your answer?

Mr. MOACA: Who the hell cares?

Jeopardy Host: I’m sorry, that is incorrect. Your total is now negative $12,000. The correct answer is Marie of Anjou.

Mr. MOACA: Who the hell is she? And can we leave her mother’s religion out of it?

There Are No Social Cares Either

MOACAs also lose their interest in social causes also. The whales have been just fine looking out for themselves all these years and will continue to do so.

And the cranky MOACAs have no tolerance for social protests:

“Git you’re a$$es out of the street and git yourselves a jerb! I had to work in $h!+holes my entire life, so find yourself a $h!+hole, get your soul sucked out of you, and make something of your life! You will be much less likely to burn down that building when you helped pay for it.

Full Circle

You came into this life without any cares, and for the MOACA, the task is to leave it with as few as possible.