Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, May 10, 2020

I Will Mock You With My Sock

I am wearing a sock on my face out in public.

Before now, it would be unconscionable for me even to imagine the circumstances that would lead to this bizarre behavior.

But it is true. I am repeatedly wearing a sock on my face out in public.

An outbreak of the bat-flu has infected the world, the culture, and our brains, resulting in the oddest of behaviors. Which, for me, consists of wearing a sock on my face out in public.

Of course, it is technically not influenza, but a coronavirus. However, I don’t want to waste my breath, in case I have the disease, on calling if some elongated, convoluted term.  So, I can name this malady in two syllables, can you do any better? Besides, most of the ailments we refer to as “the flu” are not really the flu, so it is the bat-flu to me.

Depending on your opinion, this is either just a cold germ, or everyone is going to die. Of course, this depends on if you believe everything you are being told. But no one really knows the truth, do they? Not even the experts. So, everything you read on both sides of this issue contains some truth, and some falsehoods and we poor saps are left to figure out which is which.  So, reality exists somewhere between the two extremes. Yes, it is a cold germ, but it is not the “common cold”. It is the most uncommon of colds. It is a bat-$h!+ crazy cold.

And it has driven us all batty. We are fearful and stressed. The disease has infected some people’s lungs, but it has infected everyone’s head. Then the government decided to lead us in a vast, real-life game of “Simon Says”. The government says do this …. the government says do this. Oh, you can’t do that … we didn’t say “The government says”.  By far, the most confusing part of the game involves wearing masks. With the experts/government saying that wearing masks are useless, then harmful, then possibly beneficial, to now, essential in protecting our species from extinction.

The current mandate sounds more like it came out of Leviticus than Simon Says. Ye shall wear a covering over thy nose or mouth, lest ye breathe in the plague, and then ye surely shall die.

I hadn’t obtained a mask up to that point, but I saw this interesting video on Facebook about how to make a mask out of a sock. My wife volunteered to do the conversion. When I gave her the sock to cut, she protested, saying it was supposed to be a new sock. Of course, I had pulled this orphan sock out of my sock drawer. Since it didn’t have a match, I considered this a win-win, being able to utilize an object that had no value. Besides that, what type of man has new socks laying around? I told her to cut away.

To my delight, it worked. Following those video instructions, produced a seemingly functional mask. There is only one issue. It smells. It smells like feet. I was expecting that a washed, clean sock from the sock drawer would smell ‘Downy fresh”. But my mask does not smell fresh at all. It smells like feet. And I never realized how bad my feet smell until now that I am wearing my old sock on my face. I assure you, I will never take off my shoes in the presence of others ever again, lest they surely die.

Now I realize this sock-mask is a farce. It won’t protect me from the bat-flu. It merely allows me to go out in public without receiving disdain from the pro-mask people. It gives the appearance that I care about elderly people and I don’t seek to them by spreading bat-flu germs like a mosquito-repentant fog machine.  However. it is a fake, a fa├žade. Very similar to drinking non-alcoholic beer or wearing clip-on ties. I appear to conform to society’s demands, but I’m
really not.  So, in effect, I am mocking you. I am wearing a useless sock on my face to conform to your requirements.

This is the ultimate version of acting cool and suave. Sticking a sock on my face has allowed me to mock the world.  I’m mocking due to my stocking!  It’s a mock-sock, people! It’s a mock-sock! And I could be underestimating its potential in blocking the virus. I mean, if that bat-flu germ comes close to the mask and gets a whiff of that foot odor, it very well may be repelled. It might even kill it! My sock-mask may be the ultimate solution to the crisis. Someone alert President Trump so he can spread the news! They just need to be able to duplicate my foot odor in the lab, which given my recent experience, may be challenging to do. Regardless of its potential, I do need to find some way to refresh this mask, lest ye be overcome by the rot of the foot fume, lest ye surely die.

The main reason I am wearing the sock-mask is as a courtesy to those people who remain frightened and believe everyone is going to die. Even though there is no law requiring a mask, I will consider the feelings of others. Just like I will refrain from farting when standing in line at the store. Even though there is no law against this, it is the neighborly thing to do. And I guess public farters could be charged with disturbing the peace or even assault with a deadly weapon. So, I will continue to wear my sock mask and not fart when I am out in public.

I just wish people would stop acting so bat-$h!+ crazy. My favorite take-out Chinese restaurant had to temporarily close because some people believe you can get the bat-flu from eating Chinese food. I assure you that is not the case, unless you order the sweet-and-sour bat, which may be how this whole thing started. 

But the strangest thing for me, the thing I will remember most about the bat-flu pandemic of 2020 is:

I am wearing a sock on my face out in public – even if it smells like feet.

My first attempt when I heard about the mask requirement