Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, November 23, 2022

Cat-Like Reflexes on the Internet

Isn’t it great to live in this high-tech era?!!! Modern technology is by far the most advanced in the history of the world. And that makes us the most sophisticated, refined, intellectual culture ever! Right? Oh, ahhhh, wait a minute on that one.

Well, the problem is that we remain homo sapiens, and despite all the new wired technology, and even wireless technology, we are all still wired as humans. Humans with natural reactions, obsessions, behaviors, and emotions. And sometimes bad things happen when the new world suddenly encounters the ancient world.

For example, we revert to being cavemen on Twitter (and sometimes Facebook), throwing all sorts of rocks at our perceived enemies when they disagree with us. Sometimes the conflicts escalate, and combatants start figurately clubbing each other as hard as they can.

On Instagram, women compete for “loves” (hearts) by posing in various sexual contortions and adornments. I’m not slut-shaming, but they resemble “bitches in heat” from the animal kingdom. Forgive my ignorance, but I learned everything about animal mating from a guy named Marlin Perkins.

Marlin: Oh, look! The female wildebeest has laid down in the middle of the field with her legs spread up in the air. The male wildebeest emerges from the brush and spots the female. What will happen next, children? But wait, it’s now time for a word from our sponsors, Mutual of Omaha.

On Facebook, we get a psychological boost when our posts get a lot of “Likes”. Some psychologists claim the feeling of collecting “likes” is similar to winning money. This, of course, feeds our primal need to be liked. This need exists either to cause us to treat our fellow man better, or to keep us from getting killed – probably a combination of both.

But one thing on the Internet has turned everyone into cats. Cats are easily distracted by funny objects. It’s something out of place, something hanging in the air, something foreign spotted in the vicinity shiny objects, laser pointers, and even balls of yarn. The cats feel the need to examine the item, bat it, bite it, hiss at it, and explore it. Yes, they are curious creatures, and sometimes curiosity indeed kills the cat.

We Are All Cats Now

You go on the Internet for a specific reason, but you may never get there – because of clickbait. The funny object – the headline - piques your curiosity – and you become as curious as that proverbial cat. You need to send that important email but ….. 

Dakota Johnson Just Wore a Sheer Gown Showing Off Her Sculpted Legs and Butt!

Well, maybe that email can wait because I’ve never seen a sculpted butt before. And just how sheer is that gown anyway?

Okay, where was I? Oh yes, the email … and boom!

Shakira Attacked by Wild Boars While Visting Park With 8-Year-Old Son

Crickey! I hope she’s okay. How did the boars get there, and what about the kid?

Woman With Humongous Breasts Has Trouble Sleeping and Getting Through Doorways!

Poor Woman! I wonder how big they are?

Kaley Cuoco Shows Off Her Super Toned Legs in a Gorgeous Mini Dress

I wonder how toned is super toned, and how can the dress be gorgeous if it contains so little fabric?

Dupa Lipa Wore a See-Through Fishnet Dress with a Pink Thong and Patrick Star Pasties

Fishnets, thongs, and pasties! It’s a trifecta!!!!!!!

Ya Gotta Show Some Restraint

Unless you show some restraint, you can log on in the morning, and before you know it - you

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK your way into the afternoon.

I will admit it was a distraction when I worked at home. Let’s say I was writing a report and had to look up the current GDP figures. I log on, and right on the landing page is:

Iggy Azalea Flaunts Her Show-Stopping Derriere on Stage in San Diego 

If that derriere can stop a whole show, how can it not stop my work?

GDP or derriere?

GDP or derriere?

GDP or derriere?

Am I a respected industry analyst or a cat? I should not have to make this choice!

To click, or not to click? – that is the 21st-century question.

Resisting the Cat-like Reflexes

The cat can’t resist the weird objects – it’s a biological response. But we, being much more intelligent than a cat, can surely realize that those clickbait headlines are always way overexaggerated and stop clicking on them so much, right? Meooooooow!

I must have been able to resist most of those feline temptations since I always got my work in before the deadline. Although they know how to get you to take the bait ….

Study Shows Gorgeous Women Think Bald Guys Are The Sexiest!

Okay, I’m reasonably sure that I clicked on that one.

But I have much more to write about on this subject, for example .. Whoa, whoa, whoaaaaa!!!!!

Research Indicates Eating Large Amounts of Tuna Cures Cancer!




Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Tom Brady’s Ego Isn’t the Only Thing That’s Deflated

Everyone is heartbroken over the recent divorce of Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. This was the grown-up equivalent of the high school quarterback paired with the homecoming queen, except unlike then, where that coupling was doomed to fail, they actually made it work for 13 years, producing two offspring.

Don – The Relationship Expert – Explains It All

There has been much speculation about why the marriage ended. Of course, being an expert in male-female relationships, I know the real reason for the break-up.

It was all a result of Tom losing at the game of: How Mad Will She Get? All husbands play this game, some more than others. Frequently a husband will want to do something, buy something, go somewhere, etc., that his wife disapproves of. Then the husband has to decide if he is going to do the action anyway, based on how fizzed his wife will get.

Now at this point, you women out there will think this is the dumbest thing ever – “Why would anyone ever play a game that leads to your wife getting upset? That is so stupid!” Well, remember, ladies, we are men – with man-brains – and we actually enjoy doing foolish stuff. And besides that, if we didn’t do anything our wives disapproved of, we would have no fun at all.

So, when we are told we can’t do something, we calculate how much heat we will get if we disregard our wives' wishes and do it anyway. In the advanced version of the game, the husband tries to figure out what action he might take to mollify his wife’s resultant anger. Maybe a nice dinner, some flowers, or some extended time “between the sheets”- which is usually just wishful thinking. Yes, the game, and the big question is: How Mad Will She Get?

Here is an example: A husband is excited because a college friend is visiting from out of town, and two other local college chums want him to play golf on Sunday afternoon. But then his wife reminds him there is a get-together with her side of the family that same day. The guy would so much like to play golf with his buddies rather than waste a perfect golfing afternoon spending time with his wife’s crazy aunt Zelda cackling on about her inflamed bunions. Of course, his wife fully expects him to attend the party because it is the polite, respectable, and civilized thing to do.

But now the husband must predict his wife’s anger level if he golfs with the guys. Of course, being the conniving male he is, he will ALWAYS underestimate her level of anger and overestimate his ability to balance it out. He may even think she will “forget it even happened” at some point. – Bawaaah, bawaaaaaaaaaaaah, ba-double-waaaaaaaaaa!

So, the guy will make the mental calculation and go golfing. What he doesn’t, and never understands, is this is much more than just a family event to his wife. There are all sorts of emotions, feelings, bonding, and female stuff that go into this that will be greatly diminished if he’s not there. Also, everyone at the party will end up hating him. The women there will resent the implication that he would rather golf than be with them – which is actually true. And the men will hate him more because he is out having fun while they are stuck at the boring get-together listening to stories about bunions and other family dribble. The women are also upset because they empathize with the wife’s feeling of abandonment. Ahh, so sad.

Now, if the husband didn’t golf, he would be forced to tell his friends that his wife wouldn’t let him go. Of course, he has a good reason. But he would still wonder if they would laugh at him, or even call him a pu$$y on the golf course. Decline enough of these invitations, and you could lose your “man-card” and maybe even stop getting invited to these “guy” events. So no, ladies, declining the invitation is not an “easy choice”. 

Brady Loses At This Game

Apparently, Gisele had been hounding Brady for years to retire and spend more time with the family. She was delighted when Brady retired at the end of last season, but was enraged when he unretired just a few weeks later.

It appears Brady severely underestimated Gisele’s level of anger, and lost at the game of: How Mad Will She Get? I mean, yes, your wife will get mad, but you never want to make her mad enough to leave you.

Don, are you telling me that a guy with seven Super Bowl rings, the greatest quarterback ever, someone that can figure out how to defeat the Tampa 2 defensive scheme with an extra safety in the slot, just lost the How Mad Will She Get? game because he can’t figure out his wife? Yeah, because it doesn’t matter how experienced, intelligent and observant you are, you still can’t figure out your wife.

Brady Loses A Second Time

The other miscalculation Brady made was not accepting the fact that his skills had diminished. No true guy will admit they that can’t perform like they used to. They will believe in their man-brains that they are still 25 years-old but fail miserably and embarrassingly. It’s never pretty, always disappointing, and keeps orthopedic clinics in business. Brady is 45 years old and well past his prime. Gisele was correct, he should have stayed retired.

If you doubt this, Brady is rated the 16th best quarterback in the league, which is pathetic compared to his glory years. Of course, there is another important factor besides just age affecting things here. You see, Brady was married to Gisele for 13 years, and was accustomed to getting some, uh smokin’ hot … ah, some wet, @$$ … uh … some wang, dang, sweet, uh. Let’s just say he was used to getting some “Gisele”. Talk about having deflated balls! They were deflated and blue at the same time! When are used to getting some “Gisele” and then suddenly you are not getting any “Gisele” you ain’t going to be able to throw straight. It’s a wonder he can even throw at all! Too old and not getting any “Gisele”; Brady was doomed before he started his comeback.

Don Simply Explains It All

So there you have it, people. The divorce resulted from losing the: How Mad Will She Get? Game, which all husbands play. And Brady’s disappointing performance on the field is being caused by his age and having to play with severely deflated balls.