Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

I Can Never Be Royals

Way back in 1776, we fought a war to break free from the British Monarchy. But we never really entirely escaped them, did we? Our citizens have always been obsessed with the queens and princes and dukees, haven’t we?

And now, these royals are even more intrusive since a pair of them have reinvaded the colonies. Oh sure, I know they have allegedly renounced their titles, but this is a massive charade. They still want to be treated special, like royals, as it were. They still believe they are better than us “commoners” and much more significant. Their self-importance is so overblown they did this fancy, “exclusive” interview with our Media Queen Oprah to tell us all about their precious lives.

But why, in 2021, does any royalty still exist? I mean the French quickly cut ties, among other things, with their kings and queens. The Russians buried the memory of their royals swiftly, in a way that left no czars. But somehow, the British deposed their Monarchy in a most refined manner. They castrated their power but left them living with their titles, castles, and a huge $h!tload of ca$h. Such a deal! And because the royals were able to pull off this scam, they continued to believe they were better than anyone else.

Let’s get real? Who is this Prince Harry guy anyway? Does he think he is better than me? But is he really better? Is he? I lace up my pantaloons just as he does. Okay, I’ve never actually owned any pantaloons, but after some YouTube videos and some practice, I’m sure I would lace them up the same way as that new

Fresh Prince of Santa Barbara.  

But now let’s really see who is the better man, me, or Harry? Let’s Duke it out, as it were. So, I’ll go mano y mano on a list of attributes, some of which are held in high importance by the female species.

 1.    Height

Harry hits the scale at a respectable 6 feet 1 inch. However, I would literally be looking down on him if we were standing face-to-face. 

Advantage: The AkeMan 

2.    Sense of Humor

I have written three, count ‘em, three humor books. Even Joe Pesci thinks I’m funny, so I take this one easily. 

Advantage: The AkeMan 

3.    Literary Skills

Did I mention I’ve written three books?  

Advantage: The AkeMan

 4.    Intelligence

I don’t know this for sure, but I’m reasonably confident I could best Harry on a standard I.Q. test.

Wow! I am kicking some British hiney so far. Unfortunately, the contest is far from over.

5.    Physical Appearance

Harry is dashingly handsome, with a rugged physique and strong white teeth. I have strong white teeth. 

But c’mon, Man! The royals have an unfair advantage because they had their pick of the most beautiful British women available for hundreds of years. They should be the most attractive people on the planet! Of course, we are talking British women, which might explain his father Prince Charles's anomaly. However, Princess Diana - homina, homina, wooo, wooo, triple-wooo – more than makes up for that. 

Advantage: Harry

 6.    Money

Harry is reportedly worth around $50 million. My worth is not nearly that much. However, my bank statement only has one fewer zero, but that kinda makes a big difference. 

But c’mon, Man! Up until he moved to the U.S., he was still receiving a yearly allowance of $6.9 million dollars from his father. That breaks down to $132,000 a week! The highest weekly allowance my father ever paid me, which stopped when I got a job in college, was $20.

 Advantage: Harry

7.    Education

Harry was educated at the famed Mynor’s nursery school, the exclusive Wetherby prep school, the renowned Ludgrove School, and received certifications at the prestigious Eton College. 

I read some best-selling nursery school books and was educated at the well-respected Publicious Academies of Akronia. I hold two degrees from the well-attended Zipstonia University in Rubbercitia. One of these is a graduate degree – So there!

  Advantage Harry

8.    Athletics

Harry reportedly was a top-tier athlete in college, excelling at polo and rugby. I lettered in tennis in high school, but Harry probably took tennis lessons from Virginia Wade and could beat the snot out of me. I haven’t ridden a horse since I was ten years-old, but I do own several polo shirts. I could still beat him in hoops, though. 

Advantage: Harry

 9.    Military Service

Harry served in the army for ten years, achieving the rank of Captain, with two tours in Afghanistan. I too was a Captain - of the safety patrol boys at my school. Harry may be a blue blood but I got to wear a special blue badge! And I can fight - I once beat up this fat kid named Albert in the fourth grade.

 Advantage Harry

10.   Hair Style

Let’s just skip this one.

11.   Modesty

Harry is a selfish, self-centering, self-absorbed, narcissist with a tremendous ego and an overblown sense of importance. 

Advantage: Okay, so we’ll call it a tie. Let’s just move on. 

The Results

I must concede that Prince Harry is much more exceptional than commoner Don. I lament that I will never be royal. It just don’t run in my blood and I crave a different kind of buzz.* But wait! There is one more category!

12.    Choice of Women

That recent interview mentioned previously revealed some troubling, I say troubling, traits. Harry, it appears you married a whore – an attention whore, that is. Oprah was plunging that microphone into many sensitive, personal areas and your woman thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

Your honey also is a drama queen, and a rather whiney one at that. No matter how beautiful you are, it’s a bad look to complain about your cherished life when so many people are still suffering economically. Us commoners have a very common expression: Happy wife – Happy life. Let me ask you this one: If she is unhappy being married to a rich, handsome prince, then when is she ever going to be happy? Us regular chaps call that “high-maintenance” and you’ve got yourself a nuclear power plant on fire.

You could have had any woman in the world. Your pick-up line being, “Hi there, I’m a rich, handsome prince, really I am. Wanna see my castle?

Yet, you willingly choose this one? Oh boy, you have made a big mistake and I wouldn’t want to be in your Gucci moccasins, no matter how attractive and stylish your woman might be.

Cue the polka music:

Oh, I don't want her, you can have her,

She's too phat for me.

She's too phat for me,

She's too phat for me.

I don't want her, you can have her,

Please do that for me.

She's too phat, she's too phat,

She's too phat for me.


“*” adapted from lyrics from “Royals”




Monday, March 8, 2021

Make Mr. Potato Head the Man He Is Supposed To Be

Hasbro recently announced the addition of a gender-neutral “Potato Head” product to its iconic Mr. Potato Head line. This has caused a vicious debate among people. You do realize that we are obsessed with fighting about children’s toys and books, while over 1000 people a day are still dying of the plague, don’t you? There’s no masking this: The bat-flu has not only infected our bodies, but our brains as well.

Hasbro’s concept is to provide a base, gender-neutral potato to which you can add or replace whatever sex-identity parts you feel like at the moment. Strikingly similar to what surgeons can, and are, doing today. (I realize some readers will interpret the previous statement as a sarcastic barb, and others will see it as a positive declaration. Which one is it? Yes, it is). The other consideration is that potatoes are naturally gender-neutral. There are no male and female potatoes. So, if Hasbro is the one that created potato genders, do they not have the right to revoke them?

However, Hasbro is quick to point out they have not eliminated the Mr. Potato Head and Mrs. Potato Head products, but just added Potato Head to the selection. However, by raising this subject, they have exposed a scandal, a deep, dark humiliation, which has remained hidden since Mr. Potato Head was born in 1952.

You see, the so-called “Mr.” Potato Head is missing an essential body part – he doesn’t have a wiener. And I don’t mean “wiener” in the food-sense. I mean wiener in the wanker-sense.  He has no wiener. He has no wanker. He has no man-parts at all.

And the argument about cartoon characters and dolls not being anatomically correct doesn’t apply here because Mr. Potato Head is all about the parts and putting the parts on his potato-body. You got the eyes, you got the ears, you ever got the mustache – but no wanker – no man-parts - none.  Can anyone say Mr. Eunuch-man? Mr. Potato Head is missing a critical head. The spud is missing a stud.

This is an outrage! I am so upset with Hasbro over this. He’s made you so much money over all these years. You market him as Mr. Potato Head, but you never once gave him all the parts that truly define manhood. You never, ever, gave him a wanker! How could you? How could you be so heartless? Or, in this case, so wankerless.

Mr. Potato Head has had to endure this shame for almost 70 years. You have forced him to live a tortured, humiliating existence. You’ve made him complicit in selling a disgraceful lie. If that’s not cruel and unusual punishment, I don’t know what is.

And you have perpetuated the lie by including Mrs. Potato Head and the Potato Tots in the scam. Oh yeah, where do you think these Tots come from? Who is the birth father of the Tots? Do you think potatoes just grow in the ground?

We don’t know who the real father is do we? But we know it can’t be Mr. Potato Head because you never gave him a wanker! I’m tempted to call on Maury Povich to determine the father, and yes, potatoes do have DNA. I suspect the culprit could be that Idaho Potato Farmer guy because, let’s face it, he likes potatoes a little too much. Regardless, there’s some illicit germination going on here.

So Hasbro, since you raised the potato gender issue, I think it’s time to correct this awful injustice. I’m incredibly offended by the fact that you are presenting Mr. Potato Head as a mister but not providing him with any mister parts. When women refer to me as “mister”, perhaps they believe I am as ill-equipped as Mr. Potato Head. This makes me feel diminished and uncomfortable, so I demand you cater to my feelings! Because that’s how it works in 2021.

Therefore, you must provide Mr. Potato Head with the wanker he so richly deserves. I believe this will also appease all those people who are upset with you for introducing that gender-neutral Potato Head. Please throw those people a bone, or a boner, as it were.

I would suggest equipping him with a man-potato and two tater tots. It’s a children’s toy, so I wouldn’t go with a large russet potato; a standard redskin will do. Sorry if I offended anyone with the term “redskin”.

Hasbro, please do the right thing and turn Mr. Potato Head into the spud stud that he was meant to be. He will be happy, I will be happy, and most of all, Mrs. Potato Head will be overjoyed.