Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Snooki Is Pregnant

Snooki is pregnant
She’s growing a kid
It is not a result
of something I did

I was not intimate with Snooki
I did not propagate her nookie
I did not visit the Jersey Shore
I did not tap the Jersey whore

Snooki is pregnant
She’s growing a kid
It is not a result
of something I did


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

There Are No Sagging Ratings on this TV

Recently, like many American males, I came to the startling revelation that my big screen television just wasn’t big enough and that I needed an even bigger big-screen TV.  And like many married guys considering an expensive, frivolous, purchase, I had to develop an ingenious sales pitch to gain approval from my wife.

I knew I would face harsh opposition so I waited for the right opportunity and plead my case. I explained that prices were dropping.  I extolled the benefit of moving the current big-screen upstairs to replace the dinky 27” set in the living room.  I then waited for the “push-back”, but instead my wife smiled and said “That sounds like a good idea”. 
I was stunned.  I saw the clouds part and a stream of white light descend.  I thought I heard angels singing.  I was getting my new, honking large, big-screen TV and there was no conflict, no arguing, and no resistance.

Then my wife said “Of course if we move the current big-screen upstairs, we will need to have high-definition capability for it and we will also want to get another DVR.  Wait, what!!!!!!  No, I don’t want that.  I was really outplayed this time.  In this “chess game”, my wife left this square open on the board and was just waiting for me to move to it.
My expense for the TV is fine, but the other costs are monthly charges that last like, forever.  This could be tolerable except that the cable and satellite companies are very skilled at “bill creep”.  Your monthly bill mysteriously increases by a buck or two every so often for no apparent reason.  If you call them to inquire about the higher charges, after waiting on hold for twenty minutes you will be given an explanation that is so incoherent that you wonder if the customer service representative is part of some cable TV cult.  It would be more believable and even more tolerable if they told you that “Fee Fairies” snuck into the system and increased your bill.  “Of course I could correct it sir, but the fairies would just sneak back in and change it again.”
Now why do I need a bigger television?  Because it is your responsibility as a guy to have the biggest TV that will fill up all the TV space available in the room.  I made a late decision when I bought my first big- screen to buy a 46” inch instead of my first choice of 42”.  I worried that the 46” inch would be too big, but soon realized I had “TV space” to spare.  And of course if you visit someone’s house and they have a bigger TV than yours, you experience “screen envy” which means you need a bigger set right now.
It used to be you were judged as a man by the size of the game you could shoot to provide food for your family.  That’s why men spent days hunting in the woods to fire their guns and score the big kill.  Now men are judged by the size of the TV they can provide for their family and the TV viewing experience that results.  That’s why guys search through Best Buy for the perfect set and when they find it, they whip out their credit card and proudly drag their prize home!

Now I am at an impasse.  I still want the TV, but I don’t want the other expenses involved in this deal.  However now that the Super Bowl is past, I am under no pressure to buy anytime soon.  I did buy my first big-screen TV to watch LeBron James win a ring with the Cleveland Cavaliers.  LeBron James may be a fellow Akronite, but if he plays for a ring again this year, I won’t be watching. 
The only sporting event that could cause me to buy now would be the Victoria Secret Fashion Show.  And this is truly a serious competition.  These young women push their bodies to the limit.  They make awe-inspiring moves and the woman who is able to raise her game and lift herself up under pressure will be the victor in this always tight contest.  It would be an insult to these fine ladies not to watch their efforts on the biggest, bestest, full-HD, TV that my credit-limit will allow.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Swinger's Night at The Comedy Club (Part 2)

(Note:  If you have not read the first part of the story about my night at the comedy club, you will want to read it before reading this post.)

Now it all makes sense ….. sort of. 

After writing my last blog post about my weird night at the comedy club, a friend of Chuck Costanzo (one of the comedians) leaves a comment on the post that there was a “swingers convention” in attendance that night at the show.  This explains a lot.

I Am Not Making This Up

My friend Lori (not the same Lorrie from the club) has accused me in the past of making my stories up.  Well Lori, I really hope this proves to you that I don’t.  No, I am not a fiction writer.  Unfortunately this does prove just how bizarre my life really is.  Who walks alone unbeknownst into a room full of swingers?  Who does that?   I believe that I could have my own reality show, because my life is so utterly wacked out.   I could keep up with the Kardashians.  Okay I couldn’t keep up with the sexual activity of the Kardashians, but what human could?  Maybe a rabbit on a good night.  But my stories are basically true.  I do admit that some are enhanced with a bit of literary Viagra, but I only do that to firm up the humor.

Advice From An Old Friend

After reading the post, my good friend Grace chastised me for attending the show without my wife.  Grace has been chastising me since our high school days.  This proves two things: I am still a goofball and Grace hasn’t changed much.

But I don’t think her opinion on this subject is valid.  I shudder to think what might of happened if my wife was with me that night.  The couple at our table may have thought we were new members of the swingers group.  If Lorrie said the same things to me that night with my wife present, there would have been some serious swinging.  I would have hoped that Lorrie was into S&M, because she would have experienced some serious pain.  It would have been difficult to explain to the police however.

Things I Now Understand

I evidently was sitting right in the middle of the swingers group.  I found it odd that many of these people seemed to know each other, but were not socializing with each other.  I now know why.  You’ve heard that having sex with someone can ruin a previously great (platonic) relationship (remember the Seinfeld episode).  So in the swingers’ world, doesn’t it reason that having a friendly relationship with fellow “participants” can ruin great sex?

I also now understand “Lady Gagme”, who was no doubt part of the swingers group.   If you are accustomed to being naked around and having sex with strangers, then wearing lingerie in public is really no big deal.  Maybe the outfit was strategic in that she could be the first one naked at the group meeting after the show.  Remember, the early bird gets the worm.  Now you might consider that cheating, but uh, that’s the whole point, isn’t it.

One More Incident 

There was one additional incident that night that didn’t make sense at the time.  There was this hot blond prancing around the club in a very short skirt.  I assume she was part of the group.  I was worried that if she sat in the front row with her legs crossed, that Chuck might get distracted and mess up his routine.  But apparently Chuck is a professional who is able to stare at a hoo-hah and make people laugh at the same time.

However when I was leaving the club, blondie was engaged in a conversation and was partially blocking the narrow hallway leading to the back exit.  I walked up to the opening and stopped, needing her to move to able to pass through.  She stopped talking, looked right at me and then resumed the conversation without budging an inch.  Now I can make it through the opening, but not without making some contact with her bodacious booty.

So I now have three options.  First, I could tap her on the shoulder and ask her to please move so I can get through.  This is the only option if this is a guy blocking the hallway and I’m sure the option that my friend Grace would prefer.  I could “back” through the opening so any contact would be cheek to cheek.  And of course I could scoot through front first.  I won’t reveal which option I chose, but I will say I left the comedy club that night with a huge smile on my face – and that’s the whole purpose of going, right?

Here's how I felt that evening:

Well I not sure what is going on here
I made friends fast but I starting to fear
Yeh this chick is really hitting on me
I just wish she’d stop squeezin’ my knee

Swingers to left of me
Swappers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle it’s true ………