Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Never, Ever, Mess With A Woman’s Closet (RUU)

Raw, Uncut, Unhinged #1

Promotional Headline Seen on the Internet: On the latest episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, Kayne West cleans out Kim’s closet.

This is the most dangerous thing they could ever put on television.  They call it reality television, which in this case is ironic because Kim is not all “real”. It is more like sur-reality television.  It is totally fake, but this episode could be deadly for men everywhere.  I doubt they ran a “Do not attempt this at home disclaimer”.

Because a husband should never, ever, mess with a woman’s closet.  It is safer to poke a woman’s most sensitive private part without permission, than to penetrate her closet.  At least if she gets enraged at the poke, you can claim you just wanted to spice up your love life.  However, there is no absolutely no excuse for touching the contents of her closet.

You should not look in it, you should not talk about it, you should pretend that you don’t even know it exists.  It is sacred territory, similar to an Indian burial ground.  It is like the Ark of the Covenant – if you touch it, you will surely die.  And if your wife kills you for trespassing in her closet, she will get away with it.  As long as there is one woman on the jury, she will not be convicted:

“Yes, she did shoot him five times point blank and then sawed his body into little pieces --- but he entered her closet, so he had it coming to him.  Not guilty, your honor.”

I know this incident makes for good television because Kim’s closet is larger than many apartments in Japan, which means Japanese viewers will be totally confused by this episode.  Kim’s closet has to be wider than normal to accommodate Kim’s clothes and the humongous booty that will be barely covered by these clothes.  You need a wide door, a wide aisle, and enough space for Kim to spin around without causing structural damage to the entire house.  It probably took architects weeks to design.  

Idiot? - This confirms it!
And any guy who agrees to mess with a woman’s closet on television is a total idiot.  So news flash: Kanye is a total idiot; okay I guess that is not much of a news flash is it?

But putting this totally unrealistic event on television is the epitome of irresponsibility.  I am worried that young guys watching this episode will march into the bedroom and starting rummaging through their wives’ closets because they saw it on T.V. and believe it’s acceptable.  Again, this is one of the worst things you can ever do to a woman, so if you have any doubts about this, let me be clear: NEVER, EVER, TOUCH ANYTHING IN YOUR WIFE’S CLOSET.  Unless you are married to a Kardashian, which I think qualifies you to touch anything you desire – hey, hey, hey! 

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Summertime Changes For Ake’s Pains

Dear readers,

I have two major announcements regarding Ake’s Pains blog:

1.    I am currently working diligently to complete my first book: Ake’s Pain’s – Just Make Me A Sammich (tentative title).  The plan is to have the book published and available by the end of the year.  Therefore I am asking you all to limit your vacation spending accordingly so that you will have adequate funds to purchase the book when available.

2.    In order to free up the time necessary to finish the book, I need to make some temporary format changes to the Ake’s Pains blog.  During the summer I am going to write shorter, quick- hitting, essays and post more frequently. 

I will not expand on subjects in great detail and I will not do much editing. It’s going to be write, review, post. Just like the younger, hipper, bloggers do.  This will allow me to publish roughly the same amount of words in much less time. This format will also enable me to explore subjects which are humorous but not worthy of a full post.

I am branding posts under this format as Ake’s Pains – Raw, Uncut, Unhinged (RUU).  So when you see (RUU) after the title, it will be in this format.  For people on my mailing list, I will continue to send the links every two weeks, but you may receive up to four links in one mailing.  If you are not on my mailing list and want to be, please email at: donake@outlook.com .

If you want to know when I post something new, since I will be posting more frequently, you can:

1.    “Follow by email” by filling in the box on the right side of the blog and submitting.
2.    Follow me on twitter @theakeman
3.    Request to join Don Ake’s Blogs group on Facebook
4.    Connect with me on Linked In

I hope you will find the Raw, Uncut, Unhinged posts highly enjoyable.  Time to enjoy the summer!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

I Am The Top Wingman In The NBA

On Monday evening I noticed that my friend Bob had just left a voice mail message on my iPhone, the iPhone6.  I hadn’t talked to Bob in months and it was too early in the evening to just chat, so I knew it had to be important.  I stared at the phone, wondering why he called and then it hit me.  The Cleveland Cavaliers had a home playoff game on Tuesday.  Bob probably had an extra ticket and wanted to invite me to the game!

And this would not be just any ticket.  Bob knows Le Bron James personally; there is even something regarding him in Le Bron’s book (Really!).  So these are probably Le Bron’s seats, right behind the bench, next to Le Bron’s friend Jay V.  I imagined myself at the game sitting in that seat. Upon arriving I would say, “What up Jay-V, what up” and then engage him with one of those complicated handshakes.  I could then help our idiot coach by yelling out important instructions such as “Rebound” and “Get back on defense”.  I also would fist-bump Le Bron on national television after he makes the winning shot.

Later, we would be invited to the post-game party where I’m sure there would be plenty of free appetizers.  I would engage in pleasant conversation with the Cavalier cheerleaders, get some selfies with them and possibly get them to friend me on Facebook.  This was going to be so great.

The anticipation of acquiring this ticket was so intense that my hands were shaking as I hit the redial button.  Bob and I then spent what seemed like an eternity catching up on the events of the last nine months, but all I could think about was:

“Bob, the ticket!  What about the ticket? Where will we be sitting at the game?

But the small talk continued, including a story about a death in Bob’s family. I know I should have been more sympathetic, but inside my head:

The invitation, THE INVITATION, for crying out loud, give me the invitation! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

And then after we had discussed everything else, the much awaited invitation to the game was finally delivered.  Only it wasn’t to go to the actual game, a group of chums from high school was getting together at a bar to watch the game and I was invited to join them.My hopes had been crushed.  I tried to sound excited about this offer, but I couldn’t.  Besides that, this bar was not one of those great sports bars, with the huge-screen TV’s and the busty waitresses with their buns seductively peeking out at you from their tight shorts. 


No, this was a dive bar, literally on the edge of town.  The type of bar with the sticky floors that you hope got that way from cheap detergent.  The kind of place where you feel the need to wash your hands – right after you have already washed your hands.  Flirt enough with the waitresses at the fancy bars and you can get an exotic smile, flirt too much at this place and you can end up with an exotic disease.

Regardless of these potential pitfalls, I decide to go anyway.  These classmates are a great bunch of guys and Bob had taken the trouble to call me, so I sort of felt obligated.  However, an hour before game time I get a text from Bob saying he can’t make it, some lame excuse about needing to finish a report for work. Like you can’t tell your boss the report is late because the Cavs had a playoff game?  No, I’m sure Bob cancelled because a friend of his called him up with an actual extra ticket to the actual game. So while I’m at the dive bar Bob is settling in to his prime seat at the arena. Bob you stupid sonavabitch, you.

The good news is the bar was much better than expected.  It was clean, there were many TV’s, and the waitress was reasonably cute.  She actually began flirting with me, which of course at my age means she’s getting triple the tip.  The screens weren’t huge and there was no imported beer, but it was acceptable.

But by far the best part of the evening was when my friend Chris ordered the appetizers for our table.  He ordered tacos, pretzel bites, cheese sticks and lots of wings.  And of course these qualify as “free” appetizers since I didn’t pay for them.  Sure I’m expected to contribute when the bill arrives, but while I have my debit card to pay for my drinks, I conveniently left my cash in my car.

The game started and the high school reminiscing and appetizer consumption began.  For some reason the three large plates of wings eventually ended up right in front of me.   Of course I ate a few, but at halftime I realized something very important: When I was eating a wing, the Cavs played great, but when I wasn’t, they were horrible.

Of course I knew what I had to do in the second half. The outcome of this game depended on my consumption of wings so I had to shove a steady stream into my pie hole in this very close game.  I don’t believe it is any coincidence that I had just finished a Hot-Medium-
LeBron extolling me to eat more wings
Barbecue trio when Le Bron hit that critical 3-pointer. 

We won, but then it was a little embarrassing.  When you scarf down too many appetizers, you consume all the evidence, however with wings the plate full of bones in front of you rats you out.  We won the game, so I hoped nobody would notice.

The key to victory!

I told Chris we brought the Cavs good luck, so we had to meet again in the next playoff round.  I suggested we sit at the same table and order the same food.  Chris agreed, but suggested next time I remember to bring some cash.  I said my goodbyes and even exchanged devious stares with the waitress.

Then Chuck, who doesn’t usually say much, pointed to last wing on the table and said “Don, you ate the rest of the wings, you may as well have that one.  While it was embarrassing to get “called out”, he was technically offering it to me, so “Hell yes I want the last wing”. I grabbed it up and quickly left.

The only thing left to say is if my fellow Akron homie Lebron reads this post, as I’m sure he will: Lebron if you have an extra ticket to a future playoff game, please let me know and send it to me directly, because everyone knows Bob is an unreliable sonavabitch.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

The Many Benefits of the iPhone6 (iPhone Part 2)

My new iPhone, the iPhone6 (last time for this designation, even I am tired of it), has tons of features which I will now highlight for those of you who don’t own one, which come to think of it, is probably just about all of you.  My phone has changed my life because I now have access to so many things I need. It has made me so much more efficient and productive.

Before we start I just want to check the outside temperature which I can do by just hitting this weather button on the phone.  By the way it’s 75 degrees and sunny, and as I look out the window I see that the iPhone6 is correct!

Get this, on the iPhone6 I don’t even have to type a text message, I just speak the words and they magically appear on the screen.  You do have to be careful with this feature however. For example, I meant to text my pastor the message “I am having issues with the afterlife”.  You would think there would be some safety feature that prevented you from sending out a message that makes sense, but is wrong.  Next time I will be sure to actually read the message before hitting send, because I did not mean to text “I am having an affair with your wife”. 

Unfortunately, I was the only one who found this humorous.  But it’s alright, everything turned out okay. The people at the new church seem real friendly and I am glad to be away from the old church because of all the turmoil there since the big divorce announcement.

Hold on, my neighbor hot Carla just posted some bikini photos from her beach vacation.  Wow! I just love that shade on her and the pattern is really cute.  I will definitely “Like” that pic.

Darn, now I’ve got writer’s block. Oooh, I need a selfie of that!
What should I write next?

With the iPhone6 I can tweet about anything from anywhere.  I know I don’t tweet nearly enough and that people really want to read my tweets.  My first iPhone tweet was from a college basketball game.  I was sending out an important message about how the referees were making stupid calls and not being fair to my team, to my 86 Twitter followers.  I had just about used up my 140 characters when I was rudely interrupted by the roar of the crowd.  Apparently one of our players did a 360-degree slam dunk; people are saying it is the most incredible shot in school history.  It’s a good thing I had my iPhone6 with me so I could watch the reply on ESPN at halftime!

Wait a minute, the stock market is down 100 points!  Better buy some more GoDaddy stock.  My goal is to buy enough shares that Danica Patrick agrees to go to lunch with me.

The iPhone6 has this great alarm feature where you can set the time and the phone will ring to remind you of stuff.  I use it during the day for important events and love watching the clock on the wall wind down  until the alarm finally sounds.  Of course you have to remember to set it for p.m. or the thing can go off at 3 a.m.  When this happened my wife seemed upset, so I just yelled “Booty Call!” I didn’t get any laughs with that comment – didn’t get anything else either.

Oh man, my daughter just sent me this funny cat video.  Someone had spilled some oil on a wood floor and this cat is trying to walk across it! LOL, that is one slick pussy.

With the iPhone6 I can make dinner reservations at exquisite restaurants right from my phone.  I never eat at these types of restaurants, but if I ever do, I will be prepared.

Just let me check the compass function on my iPhone6, for your information I am sitting facing the northeast.

The iPhone6 has a camera that takes terrific photos and it has a zoom.  With it I was able to take this picture of a squirrel that ate so much food at the squirrel feeder that he couldn’t move.  I posted this photo on Facebook and got 43 “Likes”. Wow 43 “Likes”, my friend Graham doesn’t get anywhere near that many “Likes” with the lame photos he posts.
This photo got 43 "Likes"!

Whoa Nelly! Hot Carla just posted another pic! There is no “homina, homina, homina” button, so I’ll just “Like” this one too.

With the iPhone I can actually send real emails right from my phone, I don’t even have to be at my computer.  So now when I’m sneaking off to play tennis and get an important email from my boss asking a question, I can tell him “I don’t know the answer” right from the court and he thinks I’m in the office. How swell is that!

Now I see that the stock market is up 30 points, it’s now 74 degrees, I am sitting a little more towards the north and my squirrel pick has two more
“Likes”. I just thought of something funny to write, I need a selfie of that!

The iPhone6 has these neat things called “apps” which are short for apples, the company that makes the iPhones.  You just pick the apples you want and the phone does the rest.  A lot these apps are free and you know how much I love free apps, so I downloaded around 5,000 of them.  I can now tell you what city the band One Direction will be performing in next.  This could be valuable information to have. For example:

Hot Chick: (Wondering out loud) “I wonder where One Direction will be playing tonight.”

Me: “Let me check for you on my  iPhone6 using the One Direction app.  That would be Cardiff in the United Kingdom”.

Hot Chick: “Thanks iPhone stud!”

Rats, I’m out of time.  This post took longer to write for some reason.  But the most critical thing you need to know about the iPhone, the iPhone6 (okay I lied) is – OMG! Hot Carla is now on the nude beach! I’ll get back to you later……

You can follow me on Twitter @theakeman - I promise to tweet more if I get up to 100 followers.