Never, Ever, Mess With A Woman’s Closet (RUU)

Raw, Uncut, Unhinged #1

Promotional Headline Seen on the Internet: On the latest episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, Kayne West cleans out Kim’s closet.

This is the most dangerous thing they could ever put on television.  They call it reality television, which in this case is ironic because Kim is not all “real”. It is more like sur-reality television.  It is totally fake, but this episode could be deadly for men everywhere.  I doubt they ran a “Do not attempt this at home disclaimer”.

Because a husband should never, ever, mess with a woman’s closet.  It is safer to poke a woman’s most sensitive private part without permission, than to penetrate her closet.  At least if she gets enraged at the poke, you can claim you just wanted to spice up your love life.  However, there is no absolutely no excuse for touching the contents of her closet.

You should not look in it, you should not talk about it, you should pretend that you don’t even know it exists.  It is sacred territory, similar to an Indian burial ground.  It is like the Ark of the Covenant – if you touch it, you will surely die.  And if your wife kills you for trespassing in her closet, she will get away with it.  As long as there is one woman on the jury, she will not be convicted:

“Yes, she did shoot him five times point blank and then sawed his body into little pieces --- but he entered her closet, so he had it coming to him.  Not guilty, your honor.”

I know this incident makes for good television because Kim’s closet is larger than many apartments in Japan, which means Japanese viewers will be totally confused by this episode.  Kim’s closet has to be wider than normal to accommodate Kim’s clothes and the humongous booty that will be barely covered by these clothes.  You need a wide door, a wide aisle, and enough space for Kim to spin around without causing structural damage to the entire house.  It probably took architects weeks to design.  

Idiot? - This confirms it!

And any guy who agrees to mess with a woman’s closet on television is a total idiot.  So news flash: Kanye is a total idiot; okay I guess that is not much of a news flash is it?

But putting this totally unrealistic event on television is the epitome of irresponsibility.  I am worried that young guys watching this episode will march into the bedroom and starting rummaging through their wives’ closets because they saw it on T.V. and believe it’s acceptable.  Again, this is one of the worst things you can ever do to a woman, so if you have any doubts about this, let me be clear: NEVER, EVER, TOUCH ANYTHING IN YOUR WIFE’S CLOSET.  Unless you are married to a Kardashian, which I think qualifies you to touch anything you desire – hey, hey, hey! 

Kim’s Bum Is A Master Piece

Of course I was very concerned last week when I read Kim Kardashian was threatening to “Break the Internet”.  You know how much I hate Kim Kardashian and you also know how much I love the Internet, so this was of supreme interest.  And because security of the Internet is essential to me doing my job and earning income, I immediately stopped all work to investigate this dangerous threat.

I soon learned that Kardashian’s evil plan consisted of her posting a nude photo of her oiled bum.  I needed to literally get to the bottom of the issue, so I clicked on the pic.

Still not a fan!

It is impossible to describe this image with mere words.  As the photo engulfed my 21-inch, HD monitor, I sat in stunned awe.  Just as you cannot adequately describe fine art, I am not able, nor am I worthy to expound about this bum.   However, this is even more awe inspiring than mere artwork. It is a naturally occurring wonder, similar to the beauty of the Grand Tetons. Her bum is smoother and rounder than the Tetons, yet just as large. Yes, Kim Kardashian’s bare bum inspires the same reverence as viewing the most prodigious natural wonder. 

However these bodacious buns are worthy of careful examination, much like a classic sculpture.  Kim’s bum is not to be ogled; it is not to be leered at.  It is to be carefully gazed at, much as art connoisseurs   tremble in the presence of the most beautiful sculptures in existence.  One must appreciate the curves, the smoothness and the solid, rock-like, quality of this most exquisite derriere.  It is a masterpiece – a literal master piece.

This bum is so incredible that I don’t consider it pornographic; it is by all means pure art.  As attractive as it is, it does not stimulate me to want to make love with Ms. Kardashian.  In fact I believe it would be dangerous to engage in such activities.  One wrong move, one unanticipated shift, and you and your man parts could be crumpled under the force of that powerful bum.  I’m sure some of Kim’s lovers have been crushed to death and removed from mattresses by the Jaws of Life. Of course she paid to have the tragedies covered up. 

I think like other heavy construction jobs that making love to Kim is a two-man job.  I am not advocating group sex per se.  One man would be dedicated to the main task, while the second man would be in control of positioning and managing that prodigious bum.  They would need to communicate by Wi-Fi headsets to safely complete the task:

“I’ve got it stabilized! Now shift slightly to the right, then push, that’s it, push again!”  

I would also recommend all future lovers receive certification training before being permitted to enter her boudoir.  Paramours would also be required to be equipped with GPS in case they got trapped in the crevasse or lost in the bush lands. An oxygen supply is necessary in case you got trapped underneath.

This of course means that Kanye West is in grave danger, however many people do not consider that a bad thing.  I do not think Kanye can control that bum. In fact, I think that bum controls him.  For example:

Kanye: Let’s eat Mexican tonight!

Kim: No, my bum says that Mexican can irritate her. She wants Chinese.

Navigating Kim’s body would be quite an accomplishment and I’m sure the feeling would be similar to climbing Mount Everest.   I’m sure conquerors feel like planting a flag pole there.  Perhaps I should rephrase that: They feel like showing some physical representation of their accomplishment!

Even though Kim has made millions off her derriere, it is literally her “money maker” (and it is so impressive she doesn’t even need to shake it), it does have its draw backs.  Her clothes are custom made – no one makes size 5X booty with 120 degree curves.  Her toilet seat needs shock absorbers.  When she has an itch, she needs a team of ass-scratchers all with smooth fingernails.  And she needs to live in a sturdy, reinforced, house because when gas passes through that thing, it shows up on the Richter scale.

My newest Facebook friend!

I am still not a fan of Kim Kardashian, but now I am a huge admirer of her bum. If her bum ever creates a Facebook page, I will “Like” it.  I will send it a “friend request” and hope it accepts me.  Maybe then the bum and I can chat occasionally.  I think I would really enjoy that.

Fortunately, the photo of the big, beautiful, oiled Kim Kardashian bum did not break the Internet.  Unfortunately, keeping the image on my monitor for an extended period of time, while I studied it very carefully for art’s sake, totally shattered my monitor.  But it’s a small price to pay to view one of the wonders of the modern world.