Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, January 23, 2017

Getting Love Notes From Mary Kay

I thought I could remain faithful to her, I really did. But then I let my guard down.  I met her in a bar, we talked, we laughed and before I knew what was happening, we consummated the act.  Yes, I am ashamed to confess that I have cheated on my Mary Kay representative.

Yes, I do purchase Mary Kay products because they sell items for men, and not just for gay men.  Seriously, they will sell them to straight men, no questions asked.  Most of these products are purchased by women as gifts for men. However, some guys do buy direct and even though the stuff is expensive, it’s usually an easy sale, because many Mary Kay reps are smokin’ hot.  Their official title is “Independent Beauty Consultant” but it could be “Independent Beautiful Consultant”.

My first experience buying Mary Kay products was almost ten years ago, when I was an aspiring male model. (Incredibly, I am not making this up. However, I do realize by revealing this fact I am obligated to write an entire post on this subject in the future.) I needed to make sure my face maintained its dashing, awesome appearance, so I contacted my former coworker Jenelle. She recommended a Mary Kay for Men moisturizer and cleanser (which I might add are very, very masculine products, intended for use by only manly, macho, men). Just to clarify, this wasn’t to make me beautiful, it was done to help me get bookings.  Naturally, (insert snicker) Jenelle was smokin’ hot.  She had enormous …. really large ….  ah …. huge …. Okay, let’s just say her bras are custom made and take a lot of fabric.  However, I only made one purchase, so this relationship was very brief.

Almost seven years later, I began my Mary Kay relationship with Erica.  Erica is a former student of mine, back when I taught classes part-time at a local university.  I tell my students on the last night of class that if I can ever help make them successful in the future, to contact me.  A couple years later, Erica became a Mary Kay rep and asked me to buy some men’s cologne to help her make her sales goal, I gladly obliged.

I should point out that this is extremely manly cologne, with a super manly scent, which only really smells good when mixed with high levels of testosterone.  I should also clarify that I bought the cologne strictly to help her and not because she is smokin’ hot, which of course she is.  I also am going to deny that I have ever been a passenger in her Mary Kay car, but it would be nice to ride in it once, since I did help pay for it.

The Mary Kay cologne that I purchased is good stuff, maybe too good in my case.  The cologne makes me irresistible to women.   Now, not all women you see, but a very select, smokin’ hot, group of women known as other Mary Kay Reps.  I will be walking through a store, minding my own business, when I am accosted by a smokin’ hot woman, who moves in close to me and takes a big whiff. The reaction is always the same:

Smokin’ Hot Woman: Mmmmmm, is that Mary Kay’s “High Intensity”? It smells sooooo good on you.

Me: Yes, it is.

Smokin’ Hot Woman: (looking at me lustily) Do you need some more?

Me: Nah, nah, honey I’m good. I could buy another but I probably should not.

Smokin’ Hot Woman: (looking disappointed and biting her lower lip) That’s too bad, here’s my number, so call me maybe.

Regretfully, they don’t want my body, they just want my next order.  Mary Kay chicks are skilled, aggressive saleswomen, and did I mention, they are smokin’ hot, so they are extremely difficult to resist.

This cologne is so alluring to them, I almost expect the following to occur some day:

I am at a dinner event and walk down a hallway to make a phone call. Suddenly, a woman wraps her arms around me, shoves me against the wall and nuzzles her face in my neck.  Slowly, she moves her hand down my body into my pants.  She firmly grasps it and then squeezes.

Woman: “Oooooooh, I like how that feels, big guy.

Me: Please get let go of my wallet.

Woman: But I have what you need. Just let me prove I can deliver, that I can satisfy you.

Me: No! I already have someone and she treats me very well.

Despite all these temptations, I was able to remain faithful to Erica, until that fateful evening in November.  I had met Leslie once before and knew she sold Mary Kay.  Fortunately, on that occasion I was wearing “Old Spice” so she hadn’t tried anything salacious.  This time we were at a local networking meeting, when the seduction began.  Leslie asked me what I was getting my wife for Christmas.  I laughed because it was November and said I would probably wait to the last minute and buy something stupid like I always do.

Then Leslie’s gave me a “come hither” look, as she guided me to a corner table where we could talk in private.  She explained that Mary Kay had a Christmas gift package designed for men to give to their wives.  Buying this now meant I would have a great gift and I wouldn’t even have to shop!  I knew I shouldn’t cheat on Erica, but Leslie’s offer was too darn enticing.  Leslie and I consummated this arrangement, right there on the table.  I gave it to her good, providing all the information, including my credit card number.  Wham, bam, thank you ma’am, I had my wife’s Christmas gift in November!

Leslie delivered the gift to my house a week before Christmas.  It was a collection of large boxes tied together with a big bow.  The recipient is supposed to open one gift per day during the week of Christmas.  She also gave me a card to go along with the gift.  The boxes were difficult to carry so I put the envelope with the card on a table by the stairs, while I positioned the gift by the Christmas tree.

It was a couple days later when I realized that I had forgotten where I had put the card. I was relieved when I found it unmoved on the table. I then read the card for the first time. There was a printed message, but Leslie is such a sweetheart that she took the liberty of writing a personal message from me to my wife, so I didn’t have to.  All I had to do was sign the card and give it to my wife.  Talk about great customer service!

The handwritten message said: “Thank you for making Christmas so special. I truly love you.” (See photo) 

At first, I thought it was so nice of Leslie to do this. She really wanted the gift to be special and well-received.  However, I then thought about what might have happened if that my wife found and read the card sometime during the two days it laid out in the open on the table.

I have mentioned before that my wife is not the jealous type, but opening a card with a personal message in woman’s handwriting that says: “Thank you for making Christmas so special. I truly love you”, is going to generate an intense reaction, I don’t care who you are.  Naturally, if my wife saw the card, I would have just laughed it off and explained that Leslie is just my Mary Kay rep and nothing more.  If my wife was still upset, I could just have Leslie come over and explain everything.  However, that could make things even worse because, ah, uh, Leslie is, of course, smokin’ hot – but you knew that, didn’t you?

However, my wife loved the gift, we laughed about the card, and Leslie got a nice commission, so everything turned out swell! I just hope Erica doesn’t read this post or I will be engaging with her in some “make-up” orders.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Advice From One Donald To Another

Just in case you haven’t heard, Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States on January 20.  This will be a truly historic event because this swearing-in is expected to result in a record amount of swearing-out-loud from his many detractors.   

This day will also be historic because Trump is not a politician. His election proves that any billionaire, any billionaire anywhere, can grow up to be President of the United States.  It also proves that if you are a little girl, you can never, ever, be president.  Okay, I guess you might be able to, just don’t do any weird things with your email, or the truth for that matter.

Now you might remember that I gave Donald Trump my big endorsement on October 3, 2016.  I must remind you that I did this solely on the basis of his being a fellow Donald and no other reason.  I also will remind you that if you have a problem with this, you will have judged me unfairly and you are an anti-Donaldlist. This gives me the righteous right to harshly judge you back and call you all sorts of nasty names, some you can’t even pronounce, even though I have never met you.

I’m sure that my strong endorsement was the reason Trump won. Because of my efforts, I will be Trump’s guest at the inauguration in Washington D.C., as well as staying in a suite at the Trump International Hotel, um as soon as my invitation arrives.  I’m thinking it just got lost in the mail.  I hope it gets here soon, I already booked my non-refundable flight.  I did hear they are sending out some of the tickets over Twitter, but I’m worried the Trump people may not be very skilled at tweeting stuff.

Because this is the first Donald to ever be POTUS, I hope he doesn’t say or do anything offensive or embarrassing that would besmirch the name of Donalds everywhere.  To help “The Donald” from making any big mistakes, I have put together a list of vital suggestions for him. Consider it advice from one Donald to another.

My Advice for President Donald Trump

1.   Be kind to The White House barber

Making your hair look presentable has to be one of the most difficult jobs in the entire administration.  Your hair presents much more of a challenge that the previous president because he sported an af, -- uh, ah – well let’s just say it was a basic cut and much easier to style.

But that’s okay, because you have a brand-new barber.  Reportedly, as soon as you were declared the winner on election night, the old barber grabbed all his stuff and was last seen running out of the south gate.  Because he is Guatemalan, it looks as if your immigration policy is already working.

(On a side note, I made an appointment with the future White House barber before he officially begins his new job and this is the result.  Um, I think there could be some issues here.)

2.   Respect other countries territory

The first-lady of Brazil is a very beautiful woman.  When you meet her, do not just walk right up to her and grab her pu$$y.  I know you are now the most powerful man in the world and you may have done this to beautiful women in the past, but you shouldn’t do it now.  This goes for all hot “first-ladies” anywhere around the world.

Grabbing a world leader’s wife in this area would be considered a literal attack on the motherland, an unprovoked invasion of sovereign territory, as it were.  This action could lead to serious international conflicts.   I would also refrain from squeezing their buttocks, as assaults from the rear are also frowned upon.

3.   Do not build a Trump Tower Hotel onto the east end of the White House

I know “Trump Towers – East Wing” has a nice ring to it and would be a huuuuuuuuuge money maker, but you don’t actually own the White House.  You already have enough money, so you don’t have to use your position to make anymore.  Remember, you won’t be POTUS forever, so just consider this a temp job with temp housing, that’s why the pay is so low.

4.   Do not comment on any world leader’s appearance (especially Angela Merkel) 

You shouldn’t do this because …. well, just don’t. There is no need to state the obvious, we can all see it clearly for ourselves.  No need to embarrass our key allies.  This isn’t a Miss Universe pageant and there isn’t a swimsuit competition. (Thank Goodness)

5.   Do not joke that North Korea’s Kim Jong-un plays video games in his parent’s basement.

If this turns out to be true, Kim will think he has a major security breach and many people in the palace are going to die.  Instead, as a goodwill gesture, I suggest you send him some sammiches.  Maybe you can get Jimmy John’s to deliver.

6.   Do not tweet your wiener.

I know wiener size was a key issue in the Republican primary and I know how much you love to tweet, but resist the natural temptation to tweet your wiener. Remember, you won the election in large part (insert snicker here) because someone associated with your opponent could not stop tweeting his wiener.  (I wonder how the history books will explain this one)

7.   Do not put a Trump Casino is the basement of the White House.

You will be entertaining foreign dignitaries and serving mass quantities of the finest liquors in the world.  Introducing games of chance into this environment is too risky.

Four-Star General: I just lost Guam to Italy

Trump: How?  Was there a war I didn’t know about?

Four-Star General: No, I hit 15 and busted out.

Trump: You hit 15? That is a stupid play -- very, very, bad play

8.   Take Melania with you when you negotiate with the Chinese

You want to show them that the U.S has superior assets, so have her wear her hottest outfit and make sure she keeps crossing her legs.   The Chinese love foreign chicks so much they will be totally distracted and will agree to anything. You said you wanted to get a rise in the yuan, well you will get a rise in more than yuan, using this strategy.

9.   Do not try to fire Paul Ryan if you get upset with him
Even though you are POTUS, you cannot just shout “You’re fired” at anyone in government.  You cannot fire the Speaker of the House and this goes for senators and representatives also.  Those rules are contained in The Constitution, which it might be a good thing to review before Inauguration Day.

10.  Do not set up your own email server
In fact, after all the controversy and hacking, you probably shouldn’t even use email at all.  Maybe you could just communicate using hand signals and barking out commands like an NFL quarterback.  If you take this route, I would suggest naming Peyton Manning as Director of Internal Communications. Then, when you need to make a sudden change in policy, which you tend to do, just yell out “Omaha” and everyone instantly shifts to the new position.

I know you will consider these great suggestions.  However, you are going to be very busy, so if you need me to provide even more suggestions personally, I would be willing to meet with Ivanka, even if it meant spending long hours, late into the night, at her Washington apartment.  I could even assume a position underneath her if needed, because I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Monday, January 2, 2017

2016 - The Year of Great Nachos!

Just want to let everybody know that I have some awesome promotions for my book, Just Make Me A Sammich, planned for the second half of 2016.  In July, I’m going to … what? Uh wait. Why do I need a new calendar?  Oh, so I guess that one went by quickly.  However, many people did not like 2016, so maybe it didn’t go by fast enough.  But it is time for a quick year-end wrap up.

Let On The Blogging Room Floor

There was stuff that I wanted to write about, but I either didn’t have time or a good angle.

I Want Sex & Nachos

A woman near Youngstown, Ohio was arrested for offering to give an undercover cop a “quickie” for “$60 and some nachos”.  She wanted the nachos so badly that she kept asking the officer to get her some even after being cuffed.  One of my Facebook friends who lives in the area did post that the restaurant (parking lot) where this incident took place, does serve excellent
nachos.  He did not, however, comment about the quality of the hookers.  This item was so funny on its own I couldn’t do much more with it.

Seating Issues

Twice on a business trip I had to ask people to move because they were sitting in my assigned seat on an airplane.  I don’t know why people have trouble figuring this out.  “Yes, this is my seat. It has been my seat since it was assigned to me two months ago, when I bought the ticket.  My buns have been looking forward to enjoying this particular seat and I’m sure the seat has been anticipating my arrival also. Now get you’re a$$ out of my seat!”  The post would have been titled “Get You’re A$$ Out Of My Seat” and would have also included numerous encounters at baseball stadiums and concerts.

One Addition Campaign Post

I wrote two posts on the presidential campaign because it was so wacky.  I had an idea for a third one where my friend Jose was disappointed that although his country of The Banana Republic was having its first-ever election, he was repulsed about his choice of candidates.  One candidate was a corrupt woman, a criminal with no respect for the law. She had “taken out” the socialist candidate in the race. The other candidate was a ruthless, pompous, dictator-type, who bullied opponents and offended everyone. 

Jose is despondent and says to me, “Why must I choose between such awful candidates?  I want to vote, but I am going to need a hot shower afterward.  Why can’t my country have great candidates like those in the United States?”  I shake my head and moan, “Oh Jose, you don’t realize what you are asking for”

Favorite Newspaper Advertisement

A company boasted that its new portable oxygen concentrator was the smallest on the market.  It is so compact, the ad showed an elderly woman grasping a tennis racquet (as in ready to return serve) with oxygen tubes in her nose.  That device might be small, it may be wonderful, but under no circumstances is it a good idea to send an old lady out on the tennis court with one of these.  Granny rips a backhand, rips the tubes out of her nose, -- Game, set, match to the Grim Reaper

Favorite Television Commercial

There were a series of local (probably syndicated) commercials where an actor literally sings the praises of different car models to the tune of well-known Christmas carols.  As he sings about the large pick-up truck, he is packing up construction materials and touting how much stuff he can haul. It includes the line “and got a bunch of hose” (you may need to say this out loud).  I laughed out loud each time I heard it and I wasn’t the only one. Because the line was soon changed to say “and got a bunch of those”.  No word on how many beetches could actually fit in the back of this truck.

Too Much Good Stuff On The Internet

The Kardashians wore revealing outfits, did naughty things, got divorces, but they are way too fast for me to keep up with them.  In fact, there are enough good headlines on the Internet that I could probably write a post a day. Just last week I saw: Dale Earnhart Jr. compares wedding to Daytona 500: “I know I’m going to win it”.  I just hope that he doesn’t perform on his wedding night like he does on the track, because, uh, sometimes you don’t get rewarded for tremendous speed. 

I suggest he carefully explore all the curves on the course, until his bride is ready for him to enter the pit area.  And then the goal is to not rush to get out of the pit, but to make sure everything is serviced to everyone’s satisfaction.  I do hope that he gets the checkered flag and is able to take a victory lap.

Song That Got Stuck In My Head

After hearing the first item in the post, I couldn’t stop singing (with apologies to Marcy Playground):

I Want Sex And Nachos

Hooking round Mexican restaurants
And I get so hungry
Just sitting needing love
And then there it was
Like fresh tortilla chips
Yeah there is was
Like hot picante sauce

I want sex and nachos, now
Double cheese me, on my plate
Who’s that tossing jalapenos
on my confection

Honey, I’ll surely make you scream