Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, January 23, 2017

Getting Love Notes From Mary Kay

I thought I could remain faithful to her, I really did. But then I let my guard down.  I met her in a bar, we talked, we laughed and before I knew what was happening, we consummated the act.  Yes, I am ashamed to confess that I have cheated on my Mary Kay representative.

Yes, I do purchase Mary Kay products because they sell items for men, and not just for gay men.  Seriously, they will sell them to straight men, no questions asked.  Most of these products are purchased by women as gifts for men. However, some guys do buy direct and even though the stuff is expensive, it’s usually an easy sale, because many Mary Kay reps are smokin’ hot.  Their official title is “Independent Beauty Consultant” but it could be “Independent Beautiful Consultant”.

My first experience buying Mary Kay products was almost ten years ago, when I was an aspiring male model. (Incredibly, I am not making this up. However, I do realize by revealing this fact I am obligated to write an entire post on this subject in the future.) I needed to make sure my face maintained its dashing, awesome appearance, so I contacted my former coworker Jenelle. She recommended a Mary Kay for Men moisturizer and cleanser (which I might add are very, very masculine products, intended for use by only manly, macho, men). Just to clarify, this wasn’t to make me beautiful, it was done to help me get bookings.  Naturally, (insert snicker) Jenelle was smokin’ hot.  She had enormous …. really large ….  ah …. huge …. Okay, let’s just say her bras are custom made and take a lot of fabric.  However, I only made one purchase, so this relationship was very brief.

Almost seven years later, I began my Mary Kay relationship with Erica.  Erica is a former student of mine, back when I taught classes part-time at a local university.  I tell my students on the last night of class that if I can ever help make them successful in the future, to contact me.  A couple years later, Erica became a Mary Kay rep and asked me to buy some men’s cologne to help her make her sales goal, I gladly obliged.

I should point out that this is extremely manly cologne, with a super manly scent, which only really smells good when mixed with high levels of testosterone.  I should also clarify that I bought the cologne strictly to help her and not because she is smokin’ hot, which of course she is.  I also am going to deny that I have ever been a passenger in her Mary Kay car, but it would be nice to ride in it once, since I did help pay for it.

The Mary Kay cologne that I purchased is good stuff, maybe too good in my case.  The cologne makes me irresistible to women.   Now, not all women you see, but a very select, smokin’ hot, group of women known as other Mary Kay Reps.  I will be walking through a store, minding my own business, when I am accosted by a smokin’ hot woman, who moves in close to me and takes a big whiff. The reaction is always the same:

Smokin’ Hot Woman: Mmmmmm, is that Mary Kay’s “High Intensity”? It smells sooooo good on you.

Me: Yes, it is.

Smokin’ Hot Woman: (looking at me lustily) Do you need some more?

Me: Nah, nah, honey I’m good. I could buy another but I probably should not.

Smokin’ Hot Woman: (looking disappointed and biting her lower lip) That’s too bad, here’s my number, so call me maybe.

Regretfully, they don’t want my body, they just want my next order.  Mary Kay chicks are skilled, aggressive saleswomen, and did I mention, they are smokin’ hot, so they are extremely difficult to resist.

This cologne is so alluring to them, I almost expect the following to occur some day:

I am at a dinner event and walk down a hallway to make a phone call. Suddenly, a woman wraps her arms around me, shoves me against the wall and nuzzles her face in my neck.  Slowly, she moves her hand down my body into my pants.  She firmly grasps it and then squeezes.

Woman: “Oooooooh, I like how that feels, big guy.

Me: Please get let go of my wallet.

Woman: But I have what you need. Just let me prove I can deliver, that I can satisfy you.

Me: No! I already have someone and she treats me very well.

Despite all these temptations, I was able to remain faithful to Erica, until that fateful evening in November.  I had met Leslie once before and knew she sold Mary Kay.  Fortunately, on that occasion I was wearing “Old Spice” so she hadn’t tried anything salacious.  This time we were at a local networking meeting, when the seduction began.  Leslie asked me what I was getting my wife for Christmas.  I laughed because it was November and said I would probably wait to the last minute and buy something stupid like I always do.

Then Leslie’s gave me a “come hither” look, as she guided me to a corner table where we could talk in private.  She explained that Mary Kay had a Christmas gift package designed for men to give to their wives.  Buying this now meant I would have a great gift and I wouldn’t even have to shop!  I knew I shouldn’t cheat on Erica, but Leslie’s offer was too darn enticing.  Leslie and I consummated this arrangement, right there on the table.  I gave it to her good, providing all the information, including my credit card number.  Wham, bam, thank you ma’am, I had my wife’s Christmas gift in November!

Leslie delivered the gift to my house a week before Christmas.  It was a collection of large boxes tied together with a big bow.  The recipient is supposed to open one gift per day during the week of Christmas.  She also gave me a card to go along with the gift.  The boxes were difficult to carry so I put the envelope with the card on a table by the stairs, while I positioned the gift by the Christmas tree.

It was a couple days later when I realized that I had forgotten where I had put the card. I was relieved when I found it unmoved on the table. I then read the card for the first time. There was a printed message, but Leslie is such a sweetheart that she took the liberty of writing a personal message from me to my wife, so I didn’t have to.  All I had to do was sign the card and give it to my wife.  Talk about great customer service!

The handwritten message said: “Thank you for making Christmas so special. I truly love you.” (See photo) 

At first, I thought it was so nice of Leslie to do this. She really wanted the gift to be special and well-received.  However, I then thought about what might have happened if that my wife found and read the card sometime during the two days it laid out in the open on the table.

I have mentioned before that my wife is not the jealous type, but opening a card with a personal message in woman’s handwriting that says: “Thank you for making Christmas so special. I truly love you”, is going to generate an intense reaction, I don’t care who you are.  Naturally, if my wife saw the card, I would have just laughed it off and explained that Leslie is just my Mary Kay rep and nothing more.  If my wife was still upset, I could just have Leslie come over and explain everything.  However, that could make things even worse because, ah, uh, Leslie is, of course, smokin’ hot – but you knew that, didn’t you?

However, my wife loved the gift, we laughed about the card, and Leslie got a nice commission, so everything turned out swell! I just hope Erica doesn’t read this post or I will be engaging with her in some “make-up” orders.

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