Just
want to let everybody know that I have some awesome promotions for my book,
Just Make Me A Sammich, planned for the second half of 2016. In July, I’m going to … what? Uh wait. Why do
I need a new calendar? Oh, so I guess
that one went by quickly. However, many
people did not like 2016, so maybe it didn’t go by fast enough. But it is time for a quick year-end wrap up.
Let On The Blogging
Room Floor
There
was stuff that I wanted to write about, but I either didn’t have time or a good
angle.
I
Want Sex & Nachos
A
woman near Youngstown, Ohio was arrested for offering to give an undercover cop
a “quickie” for “$60 and some nachos”. She
wanted the nachos so badly that she kept asking the officer to get her some
even after being cuffed. One of my
Facebook friends who lives in the area did post that the restaurant (parking
lot) where this incident took place, does serve excellent
nachos. He did not, however, comment about the
quality of the hookers. This item was so
funny on its own I couldn’t do much more with it.
Seating
Issues
Twice
on a business trip I had to ask people to move because they were sitting in my
assigned seat on an airplane. I don’t
know why people have trouble figuring this out.
“Yes, this is my seat. It has been my seat since it was assigned to me two
months ago, when I bought the ticket. My
buns have been looking forward to enjoying this particular seat and I’m sure
the seat has been anticipating my arrival also. Now get you’re a$$ out of my
seat!” The post would have been titled
“Get You’re A$$ Out Of My Seat” and would have also included numerous encounters
at baseball stadiums and concerts.
One
Addition Campaign Post
I
wrote two posts on the presidential campaign because it was so wacky. I had an idea for a third one where my friend
Jose was disappointed that although his country of The Banana Republic was
having its first-ever election, he was repulsed about his choice of
candidates. One candidate was a corrupt
woman, a criminal with no respect for the law. She had “taken out” the
socialist candidate in the race. The other candidate was a ruthless, pompous,
dictator-type, who bullied opponents and offended everyone.
Jose
is despondent and says to me, “Why must I choose between such awful
candidates? I want to vote, but I am
going to need a hot shower afterward.
Why can’t my country have great candidates like those in the United
States?” I shake my head and moan, “Oh
Jose, you don’t realize what you are asking for”
Favorite Newspaper Advertisement
A
company boasted that its new portable oxygen concentrator was the smallest on
the market. It is so compact, the ad
showed an elderly woman grasping a tennis racquet (as in ready to return serve)
with oxygen tubes in her nose. That
device might be small, it may be wonderful, but under no circumstances is it a
good idea to send an old lady out on the tennis court with one of these. Granny rips a backhand, rips the tubes out of
her nose, -- Game, set, match to the Grim Reaper
Favorite Television
Commercial
There
were a series of local (probably syndicated) commercials where an actor literally
sings the praises of different car models to the tune of well-known Christmas
carols. As he sings about the large
pick-up truck, he is packing up construction materials and touting how much stuff
he can haul. It includes the line “and got a bunch of hose” (you may need to
say this out loud). I laughed out loud
each time I heard it and I wasn’t the only one. Because the line was soon
changed to say “and got a bunch of those”.
No word on how many beetches could actually fit in the back of this truck.
Too Much Good Stuff On
The Internet
The
Kardashians wore revealing outfits, did naughty things, got divorces, but they
are way too fast for me to keep up with them.
In fact, there are enough good headlines on the Internet that I could
probably write a post a day. Just last week I saw: Dale Earnhart Jr. compares
wedding to Daytona 500: “I know I’m going to win it”. I just hope that he doesn’t perform on his
wedding night like he does on the track, because, uh, sometimes you don’t get
rewarded for tremendous speed.
I
suggest he carefully explore all the curves on the course, until his bride is
ready for him to enter the pit area. And
then the goal is to not rush to get out of the pit, but to make sure everything
is serviced to everyone’s satisfaction.
I do hope that he gets the checkered flag and is able to take a victory
lap.
Song That Got Stuck In
My Head
After
hearing the first item in the post, I couldn’t stop singing (with apologies to
Marcy Playground):
I Want Sex And Nachos
Hooking
round Mexican restaurants
And
I get so hungry
Just
sitting needing love
And
then there it was
Like
fresh tortilla chips
Yeah
there is was
Like
hot picante sauce
I
want sex and nachos, now
Double
cheese me, on my plate
Who’s
that tossing jalapenos
on
my confection
Honey,
I’ll surely make you scream
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