2016 - The Year of Great Nachos!

Just want to let everybody know that I have some awesome promotions for my book, Just Make Me A Sammich, planned for the second half of 2016.  In July, I’m going to … what? Uh wait. Why do I need a new calendar?  Oh, so I guess that one went by quickly.  However, many people did not like 2016, so maybe it didn’t go by fast enough.  But it is time for a quick year-end wrap up.

Let On The Blogging Room Floor

There was stuff that I wanted to write about, but I either didn’t have time or a good angle.

I Want Sex & Nachos

A woman near Youngstown, Ohio was arrested for offering to give an undercover cop a “quickie” for “$60 and some nachos”.  She wanted the nachos so badly that she kept asking the officer to get her some even after being cuffed.  One of my Facebook friends who lives in the area did post that the restaurant (parking lot) where this incident took place, does serve excellent

nachos.  He did not, however, comment about the quality of the hookers.  This item was so funny on its own I couldn’t do much more with it.

Seating Issues

Twice on a business trip I had to ask people to move because they were sitting in my assigned seat on an airplane.  I don’t know why people have trouble figuring this out.  “Yes, this is my seat. It has been my seat since it was assigned to me two months ago, when I bought the ticket.  My buns have been looking forward to enjoying this particular seat and I’m sure the seat has been anticipating my arrival also. Now get you’re a$$ out of my seat!”  The post would have been titled “Get You’re A$$ Out Of My Seat” and would have also included numerous encounters at baseball stadiums and concerts.

One Addition Campaign Post

I wrote two posts on the presidential campaign because it was so wacky.  I had an idea for a third one where my friend Jose was disappointed that although his country of The Banana Republic was having its first-ever election, he was repulsed about his choice of candidates.  One candidate was a corrupt woman, a criminal with no respect for the law. She had “taken out” the socialist candidate in the race. The other candidate was a ruthless, pompous, dictator-type, who bullied opponents and offended everyone. 

Jose is despondent and says to me, “Why must I choose between such awful candidates?  I want to vote, but I am going to need a hot shower afterward.  Why can’t my country have great candidates like those in the United States?”  I shake my head and moan, “Oh Jose, you don’t realize what you are asking for”

Favorite Newspaper Advertisement

A company boasted that its new portable oxygen concentrator was the smallest on the market.  It is so compact, the ad showed an elderly woman grasping a tennis racquet (as in ready to return serve) with oxygen tubes in her nose.  That device might be small, it may be wonderful, but under no circumstances is it a good idea to send an old lady out on the tennis court with one of these.  Granny rips a backhand, rips the tubes out of her nose, -- Game, set, match to the Grim Reaper

Favorite Television Commercial

There were a series of local (probably syndicated) commercials where an actor literally sings the praises of different car models to the tune of well-known Christmas carols.  As he sings about the large pick-up truck, he is packing up construction materials and touting how much stuff he can haul. It includes the line “and got a bunch of hose” (you may need to say this out loud).  I laughed out loud each time I heard it and I wasn’t the only one. Because the line was soon changed to say “and got a bunch of those”.  No word on how many beetches could actually fit in the back of this truck.

Too Much Good Stuff On The Internet

The Kardashians wore revealing outfits, did naughty things, got divorces, but they are way too fast for me to keep up with them.  In fact, there are enough good headlines on the Internet that I could probably write a post a day. Just last week I saw: Dale Earnhart Jr. compares wedding to Daytona 500: “I know I’m going to win it”.  I just hope that he doesn’t perform on his wedding night like he does on the track, because, uh, sometimes you don’t get rewarded for tremendous speed. 

I suggest he carefully explore all the curves on the course, until his bride is ready for him to enter the pit area.  And then the goal is to not rush to get out of the pit, but to make sure everything is serviced to everyone’s satisfaction.  I do hope that he gets the checkered flag and is able to take a victory lap.

Song That Got Stuck In My Head

After hearing the first item in the post, I couldn’t stop singing (with apologies to Marcy Playground):

I Want Sex And Nachos

Hooking round Mexican restaurants

And I get so hungry

Just sitting needing love

And then there it was

Like fresh tortilla chips

Yeah there is was

Like hot picante sauce

I want sex and nachos, now

Double cheese me, on my plate

Who’s that tossing jalapenos

on my confection

Honey, I’ll surely make you scream

2015 – The Year Toe Fungus Played Tennis

I had so many blog post ideas that I couldn’t write about them all.  For the next two posts, here is some best and worst from 2015.

Worst Christmas Card Ever

A few days before Christmas, a hand-addressed envelope arrived. Ah! I thought, another beautiful Christmas card to brighten the season, good tidings sent my way.  But when I opened the envelope, I was sorely disappointed. The card brought no joy, because the card contained no message except the meaningless initials of the company that sent it.

Now the options for a corporate Christmas card are:

Merry Christmas – Of course this is potentially offensive to people who are so anti-Christian that someone bestowing the goodness and blessings of this holiday to them, freak them out so bad their heads explode. And of course you don’t want that.  However, if you are one these unstable people, I better not catch you doing anything at all that has anything to do with Christmas, or I will come over to your house next year and sing carols loudly (and poorly) on your porch until you call the authorities.

Happy Holidays – This is a very safe, inclusive, salutation.  There are many holidays this time of year. Hell, this even includes Boxing Day, for elf’s sake. Just pick your favorite, non-offensive, holiday and be happy about it.

Season’s Greetings – However there may be some people hate all holidays and get offended at everything, so wishing them “collectively” Happy Holidays, just offends them multiple times.  Instead, you can just send them some greetings in this cold, dark, season reason.

Nothing – Other people (perhaps even our competition) are sending you cards now, for reasons which we are totally unaware of and cannot be discussed with anyone.  We too, decided to send you a card also, lest you think unpleasant thoughts about us for not sending something.  But we are terrified of offending you in any way, so here’s is a card that communicates nothing. We sincerely hope, we have fulfilled our card sending responsibility for this year and you will like us, because in no way have we offended you!

So the card says nothing.  And of course any graphic on this card could imply something that might be offensive to someone, so it has 192 snowflakes in neat rows (see photo, this is the back of the card so as not to reveal the

Happy ... Merry .... Oh the heck with it!

sender).  I guess snow could be offensive to those who have to drive through it, but ironically, there is more snow on this card than has fallen in Northeast Ohio this winter. 

So it is the generic card that communicates nothing equally to everyone.  It is the most PC card I have ever received.  This is what happens when you take non-offensive to the maximum degree, you end up with vast nothingness, a culture void of any meaning whatsoever.

But wait just a minute, the card is all-white with no color or diversity and snow implies the Nordic regions which are all – Oh Nooooooooooooooooo!

The Worst Television Commercial

My least favorite television commercial of the year was for a toe fungus medication featuring former tennis great John McEnroe doing commentary on a tennis match between toe fungus and the medication.  I am not making this up.

Let me say this: If your toe fungus has progressed to such a point that it can play tennis, it’s too late. You are going to die; no amount of toe fungus medicine can help you at this point.

Likewise, if you are John McEnroe, and your career has reached a point when you are doing tennis commentary in a commercial for toe fungus medication, your career as a celebrity has died.  Time to retire and play some shuffleboard.  “That puck is out! ARE YOU SERIOUS? It’s not on the line, it’s clearly out! I can’t believe you think you deserve any points!”  Okay, maybe not.

Second Worst Television Commercial

This one features singer Blake Shelton picking up a pair of his underwear from the dry cleaners. I have no idea how someone craps themselves so badly that they have to have their shorts. Okay, so maybe I do know. But in those cases, the shorts get thrown out, or burned in the backyard if the landfill refuses to take them.

Therefore, maybe what the commercial is really saying is this underwear is so special that you if soil it severely, you will pay for dry cleaning instead of discarding it.   Me, I would be too embarrassed for the dry cleaner people to view my artwork (especially if it was a hot chick), but apparently Blake doesn’t have a problem with that.

Worst News Story

The most disturbing news item of the year involved a New Mexico man who ate his mother’s posole without her permission.  What’s our society coming to when stuff like this is reported on the Internet.  I know many guys like posole, especially hot, spicy, posole.  Some guys don’t get enough posole and good posole is hard to find.  But this type of behavior is never justified.   This guy should have showed more self-control and eaten some other type of stew, although I do admit that posole is very tangy stuff.

Best Bizarre Conversation

I was telling a writer’s group about my plans to write a blog post involving Chinese strippers and made a disparaging remark about those ladies.  A guy I had just met took exception to my statement.  It seems he has traveled extensively in the military and thereby considers himself an authority on strippers around the world.

Guy:  I have found Chinese strippers to be very enjoyable

Me: From the photos on the news story, they look to be lacking certain “qualities”.

Guy: Wait, are you talking about Chinese strippers on the mainland?

Me: Yes, communist Chinese strippers

Guy: Okay then, I don’t have any experience with those women.

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