Sunny Beaches and Sons of Beaches

Last month I vacationed in Florida.  Usually this lets me experience what it’s like to live in oppressive heat.  This summer I did not need to leave home for that.  I should have just thrown some sand in my backyard and saved the airfare.

But vacation means getting out and experiencing new places and new people.  And of course, I encountered some very interesting people:

The Chunky Thigh Girls

I quickly noticed that a fashion trend this summer is short shorts.  But of course these should only be worn by women with proportional thighs.  There were several women walking around the airport flashing some very chunky thighs.   The women of the ‘70s took great care to hide their thunder thighs, but not these gals.  Maybe it’s because guys are heavier now and don’t mind bigger thighs on their women.

So my worry sitting on the runway (it was a full flight) was if the aeronautic engineers had accounted for all the chunky thighs (including mine) and if the plane could actually lift all this added thigh weight off the ground.  Fortunately it did!

The Cell Phone Zombies

I was surprised when a young woman walked slowly past me as I was exiting the airport men’s room.  It took her several seconds to casually stroll back out. I wondered what was going on until I noticed she was deep in conversation on her cell phone. 

I thought this was funny until I had to dodge several more cell phone zombies in the airports during the trip.  By the end, I was tempted to knock the next one flat on his back  and when he looked up I would say: “Can you see me now? Good.” 

Mr. I-Pod

This guy on the plane was bobbing his head and shaking violently. I was worried he was having a seizure, but apparently he was just really into the music on his I-Pod.  He saw me staring at him and reacted like there was something wrong with me.  Oh no Mr. I-Pod, you are the weirdo because you look stupid.  Besides that, he was wearing a woven anklet.  Guys should never, ever, wear any jewelry below the chest (and no nipple rings).

The Newspaper Thief

Some goofball on the plane asked to see a section of my newspaper then failed to return it.  On my return flight I prevented this from happening by use of something called Wi-Fi and a Kindle.  Stick it thief boy!

The Very Pregnant Woman (In the Atlanta airport)

I could tell just how pregnant she was because she was wearing a super tight, super shear, “pregnancy sock”.  Yes I’m happy you’re pregnant, but I don’t want to share this intimately in the moment.  If you wouldn’t wear something this revealing before you were preggers, why the hell would you wear it now?  And why are you flying anyway?  Crying babies on planes are bad enough, but I don’t any new babies popping out during my flight.

Bad Fashion Guy

There was this old guy in a restaurant sporting sweat pants held up by a pair of suspenders.  This looked hideous and is not acceptable under any circumstances.  No matter how cheap you are, when the elastic wears out in your sweat pants; it’s time to buy a new pair.

The “Hey Where’s My Sink Guy”

That would be me.  There are no sinks in the newly remodeled Jacksonville Airport.  There is a long, slanted, marble slab with motion activated water and soap dispensers sticking out of the wall.  It is very disconcerting when you turn the corner to wash your hands and there are no sinks.

Mr. and Mrs. Sea Turtle Sex Experts

The couple proudly tells you that they have devoted their entire lives promoting the propagation of sea turtles and fully expect you to be impressed.  It was also humorous the way their faces lit up when they explained sea turtle sex.  I did learn that it must be very dark for sea turtles to mate.  This means either the females are very modest or the males are turned off by the sight of the female’s chunky thighs.  

The 40 Year-Old Woman in the Mini Bikini  

20 years ago she probably looked smoking-hot in this outfit and to her credit the “southern” hemisphere was well preserved and very impressive for a woman her age.  However the “northern” hemisphere was suffering the effects of child-bearing, gravity and perhaps even global-warming, which had greatly affected the topography of the region.  The capital of the northern region was no longer the city of Twin Buttes, but Sagamore Hills (an actual place in Ohio).  She was hanging loose and hanging low and the mini bikini top provided only minimal coverage in front and even less from the side.  During a conversation with her she was waving her arms a lot which of course caused the pendulums to swing wildly. I was afraid one of the sandbags was going to bust loose and slap me in the face.