Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Preventing Female Riots and Sex Strikes

Men around the world should be concerned about the alarming events occurring in Russia.  Some very upset Russian women have gotten involved in something called a “Pussy Riot”.  I don’t understand exactly what it is, but trust me, it can’t be good.

Organizers of the Pussy Riot
This Pussy Riot is a serious threat to men everywhere.  These Pussy Rioters are enflamed and something has stroked passion deep within them.  I know that in most cases this would be a good thing, but here it is a bad thing, a very bad thing.
I am very concerned that the Pussy Riots could spread to this country just as other protests have. Enraged Pussy Rioters could start whining to their friends on Facebook and this movement could suddenly go worldwide.  Already women in Togo have organized a “sex strike”.

It used to be that when you did something stupid and upset your wife; the only other women that got upset were her co-workers and the friends that she called on the phone.  Now because of the “social media” you can actually goof up and fizz off women throughout the world!
But we must take extraordinary measures to head off this Pussy Riot before it starts in America.  Therefore I am imploring men everywhere to enact the following measures immediately and to continue to follow them until this most serious threat has passed.

1.     Always return the toilet seat to its downward and sitting position.
This includes after excursions in the middle of the night and the rushed efforts during commercial breaks in football games.
2.     Actually make an attempt to listen to your wife or significant other (WOSO) when she speaks to you.  
I know this may be burdensome, but you just have to focus more.  If she starts to share one of the problems that her friend is having during the fourth quarter of an important NFL game, just pretend to listen while still focusing on the game.  This is the relational equivalent of Peyton Manning looking off the safety while really watching the receiver on the other side of the field. 

3.     Spend more time on foreplay. 

If you don’t know what foreplay is, you are going to have to Google it.  If you need some new ideas, Google is good for that also.  Just don’t get caught watching the instructional videos or you will cause a Pussy Riot in your own house. 

4.     Extend the duration of the “act” itself.
I realize this combined with #3 is going to eat into the time you spend on your fantasy football league.  But unless you are involved in one of those “high stakes” leagues, preventing a raging Pussy Riot is worth the effort. I have read that humming “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” is a good way to make sure that you spend enough time on the task.  Just remember not to hum out loud.  Other guys say they find it helpful to think about Janet Reno if they find things progressing too fast. 

5.     Be nicer to your mother-in-law.
I have confidence you can do this if you really try.  Just remember that your mother-in-law could end up being one of the irritated Pussy Rioters and you really, really, do not want that.
6.     Pick up your socks and underwear and place them in the hamper. 

It will be herculean efforts like this that will keep the Pussy Riots contained.  In this case your WOSO is correct.  This stuff is really not going to pick itself up. 

7.     Make your own d**n sammich! 

If you’ve forgotten how, you need to use Google once again. 

8.     Take your WOSO out to dinner. 

This must be at a restaurant that does not use plastic utensils.  Always do this the day before a big football game.  Hopefully your WOSO will talk so much at dinner that she will then not cause unfortunate interruptions during the game the next day. 

9.     After dinner, take her to the movie of her choice.
Of course this will be a chick flick and it will probably have an emotional ending that will cause her to cry.  All you have to do is to wait to the end of the movie and think about bad your fantasy football team is going to do because you just wasted two hours in the theatre instead of making some great trades.  This should bring tears to your eyes at just the right moment.
10.  Buy her some flowers. 

When you go to pick up beer for the game, just buy her one of those inexpensive bouquets they have at the store.  If you don’t have enough cash for both, unfortunately you will have to buy a cheaper brand of beer.  Penn State fans are exempt from this one since they are going to need plenty of hard liquor to make it through this season.

I know these actions may seem severe and extreme, but the prospect of Pussy Rioters marching down your street is just too harrowing.  So men, we can get through this if we just stick together and keep our potential Pussy Rioters satisfied.  


  1. um..pussy riot is the name of the group/band that were arrested, not the name of the protest. people are protesting the arrest of pussy riot...

    1. For the record, your sarcasm detector is broken. You need to recalibrate it by reading the rest of the posts on this blog. You're welcome.