Bears Don’t Do This In The Woods

My wife had brought home something unusual from the grocery store. I stared at it winsomely, as I cradled it in my hands. But I was not prepared for the glorious joy I was about to experience.

Ooooooh……..

Ahhhhhhhhh …….

Mmmmmmmm…..

Ya Ya Yakka Moo Moo!

Oh baby, that feels oh so gooooooooooooooooood!

Who knew 3-ply toilet paper felt this wonderful?

They can’t really tell you in the television ads how good this stuff is because it would be oh so awkward. It is amusing how they try to use cartoon bears to sell toilet paper. Because bears do crap in the woods and the only thing there to wipe with is leaves and that proves to be  very uncomfortable to the human tush. However, according to my very extensive Internet research, bears don’t even wipe afterward. This means that whole advertisement is a fraud since these allegedly picky bears wouldn’t even use toilet paper if they had access to

Fake News!

it. This is a prime example of FAKE NEWS. So, does a bear crap in the woods? Yes. Does he wipe his butt afterward? No.  I certainly hope that settles the issue.

But, oh baby, baby! Does this 3-ply stuff rock! I don’t even know what to call this experience. Wipevana?  Paperpalooza? Tushtastic?  Yes, this puffy paper delivers, oh more appropriately, gets rid of, the goods. The brand names include words like: Velvety, Quilted (grandma made my toilet paper!), Bliss, Plush and my favorite name, Cashmere. Perhaps that last one is like wiping your butt with your sweater – but maybe don’t try that one at home.

Besides the comfort to your backside, 3-ply paper also improves your health. After I experienced this blissfulness for the first time, I ate lots of fiber the rest of the day to ensure I could repeat the process as soon as possible.

However, this sensation was so gratifying that I started to feel guilty. I mean the Puritans would have never used this. And let’s face it, well maybe not face it, the product is inherently and atrociously wasteful. You are using 3 plies, when 2 plies are sufficient. That’s 50% more paper, 50%! I’ve been wiping with 2-ply my entire life with no complaints. But now I am using an extra sheet to do the job. Therefore using 3-ply is enormously environmentally irresponsible! You are not going green, if you wipe with 3-ply after going brown – even if you happened to actually go green.

Velvety goodness 

And then what about the poor people stuck with using cheap 1-ply, rough paper? Some of it probably contains chunks of wood, it’s so coarse. How can I cavalierly stick 3-ply up my butt without feeling any remorse?  And what about people in the third-world countries? Do I not care? Am I an elitist? Is using this product a result of literally white-fluffy privilege?

So yes, I was feeling soooo guilty about using the 3-ply toilet tissue. Until of course, nature called and ....

Yabba dabba do do!

Hacha hacha mama!

Whoopity whippity weeeee!

Ahhhhhh, the thrill of it!

However, this guilt was overwhelming and when I feel this remorseful about my behavior, there is only one responsible course of action. --- I must go to any degree, I must construct any argument, I must twist logic like a pretzel, to completely justify my actions. 

I give money every month to a poor African kid. Surely, they use some of that money to buy toilet paper. So I have earned the right to use 3-ply, correct? Maybe. But my best justification for going to the 3-ply is that my anus is in training. Yes, it’s almost time for a colonoscopy, so I need to get my anus ready for the big day. I need my anus in top condition and ready to perform at the highest level.

Now if you’re now expecting the same lame jokes about the colonoscopy prep and procedure that have been done thousands of times by hundreds of comics, then you are reading the wrong blog. There is absolutely nothing funny about you paying to get a probe shoved up your a$$.

You know there is something weird about to happen when everyone is overly interested and excited about looking up your butthole. All these people are way too happy and cheerful. Whenever this happens, you know something bad is about to happen to you.

Your doctor: “Well Don, it looks like your due for a colonoscopy!” (Big Smile)

The clinic scheduler (on the phone): “Fantastic! We have you all scheduled for Tuesday morning, the 14^th!” (and you know she is smiling)

The clinic receptionist: “Welcome, Mr. Ake! We’re all ready for you!" (Huge smile)

The clinic doctor: “There’s nothing to worry about, har, har! We use lots of lube here!” (Big, goofy smile)

This is one procedure where I don’t even care if the nurse is hot. I just want her to be gentle and to have not broken up with her boyfriend last night (Men! I would just like to take that TV controller and shove it right up his ...) And even though the nurse and I are going to share an intimate experience, I don’t expect her to call me in the morning to see how I’m doing. It’s best that when I leave the clinic that we both pretend this never happened and go on with our lives.

I do think that if everyone is going to pretend to be so giddy about looking up your anus, that just like a baseball player coming to bat, you should be able to choose a walk-up song. As they wheel me into the exam room, my “roll-up” song would be “I’m Sexy and I Know It” and I would be rapidly pistol pointing at the nurses, the receptionist and anyone else in my path.

Doc, look in my body

Doc, look in my body

Doc, look in my body

I wipe clean

I know normal people have many fears about the procedure, but I am not “normal people”. My biggest fear is that my colonoscopy video would be “leaked” and posted on the Internet. The video would go viral and would lead to a reality television show starring my anus. The pilot would get picked up by truTV and millions of viewers would tune in every week for The Don’s Anus Show. The show would end up being much more popular than my book and I would be relegated to answering questions from the press such as: “What’s it like having a famous anus?”  

  

“This week on the Don’s Anus Show: Don gets the Nitro Burrito at Chipotle – Spoiler Alert! This is not going to end well.”

Even with this risk, it is important to get the colonoscopy because it saved my friend Mark’s life. But just like everything else, preparation is important. I must make sure my hemorrhoids are cool, calm and literally collected, before they are brutally traumatized in a most irritating manner. And the best way to do this is to pamper them with the softest, lushest, 3-ply toilet tissue I can find.

Yes, I am now a 3-ply guy, and I am not ashamed. 

Colons Need To Be Tougher Than This

I need to make everyone aware of a potentially explosive situation before it gets totally out of control.  A man in Virginia has been awarded $500,000 in a lawsuit because he was insulted by the medical staff during his colonoscopy.

I am not making this up.  Somehow he recorded the derisive comments while he was sedated. These bored colonoscopy professionals reportedly made insensitive and mocking remarks during the procedure.  The man sued them and the jury awarded him the cash on four separate counts.

This is alarming and I strongly disagree with the verdict.  Because in effect, wasn’t it the man’s colon that was truly being insulted?  Therefore, I contend it was really his colon taking the legal action and it was his colon, that was awarded the money.

Our culture has become overly sensitive and gets offended by everything and anything.  We have become a nation with the emotional maturity of a whiny three-year-old. And now even our colons are getting offended and bringing lawsuits.  This must stop now.

I do not want an overly sensitive colon.  I do not want it to get annoyed at the mildest irritation.  I do not want it to go into convulsions if offended.  I want a tough colon, a colon that can withstand the worst aggravations and insults and still operate at peak performance.  I want a colon that can literally take it in – and then dish it back out (the other end, of course).  I guess what I really want is a Donald Trump-like colon, but with better hair.

If we permit our colons to be overly sensitive and then hire lawyers to bring big lawsuits, then I personally am in big trouble.  I fear my colon would immediately sue me and my hemorrhoids of course would join in on the lawsuit.  I would hate to have to testify during this trial:

Colon’s attorney: Mr. Ake, was your colon if fact spastic on the morning of October 3?

Me: I believe that might be correct

Colon’s attorney: Would you like to explain to the jury what caused this?

Me: I don’t recall

Colon’s attorney: On the evening of October 2, did you not dine at El Sheetzafirro Mexican restaurant with your friend Tim and three other guys?

Me: I may have.

Colon’s attorney: And did you not order the Fuego Loco, 5-alarm burrito, with a side of sriracha sauce?

Me: I might have ordered something like that, but I was hungry.

Colon’s attorney: And did you not in fact comment after ordering, “I’m going to have fire shooting out my a$$ tomorrow!”

Me: I was just trying to impress the rest of the guys.  I was the oldest and as a middle-aged man it is important to try to prove I still got it.

Colon’s attorney: And what happened the follow morning?

Me: ^^^^^…. (unintelligible)

Colon’s attorney: Louder, so the jury can hear Mr. Ake.

Me: Fire came shooting out my a$$.

Colon’s attorney: Yes, it did. So much so, that smoke actually rose out the commode, did it not?

Me: Maybe just a few puffs.

Jury: GASP!

Colon’s attorney:  And it was as that point that your colon went spastic to discharge the burrito and stop the burning sensation. Isn’t that true? Mr. Ake.

Me:  Yes, but it fully recovered after a few days.

Hemorrhoids attorney: Let’s move on to your hemorrhoids, Mr. Ake, because that’s where the scorching hot burrito ended up next.

Me: Let’s not

Hemorrhoid’s attorney: And when the burrito was finally expunged from your nether regions, did it not cause intense inflammation and swelling of your hemorrhoids.

Me: Yes, it did, but I immediately went to the store to buy some medication to care for them. I don’t neglect my health!

Hemorrhoid’s attorney:  Your Honor, I would like to enter Exhibit 1 into the record.  This is a copy of the receipt from the drug store on October 3.

As we can plainly see, the defendant did not purchase the high quality, highly effective, leading brand of hemorrhoid ointment.  No, in fact, you choose to buy the “Generic Anal Balm”?

Me: Yes, I was just trying to save some money.

Hemorrhoid’s attorney:  And exactly how much money did you save

Me: >>>>> ……. (unintelligible)

Hemorrhoid’s attorney: LOUDER, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: Sixty-two cents

Hemorrhoid’s attorney:  Sixty-two cents! That’s right, you saved a measly sixty-two cents by buying the inexpensive junk! You cheap bastard!  Your hemorrhoids are on fire and this is how you treat them.  And how well did this generic anal balm work?

Me: Not very well.  My hemorrhoids were still very irritated.

Hemorrhoid’s attorney: So what did you do next?

Me: >>>>> ……. (unintelligible)

Hemorrhoid’s attorney: WHAT DID YOU DO MR. AKE? WHAT DID YOU DO?

Me: I scratched them   

Jury: GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hemorrhoid’s attorney: HE SCATCHED THEM! HE SCRATCHED THEM!  JUST WHAT TYPE OF A MONSTER ARE YOU?

Courtroom: RABLE, RABLE, RABLE!

Judge: ORDER, ORDER!

Colon’s attorney: I now want to enter Exhibit 2 into the record.  These are images of Mr. Ake’s recent colonoscopy.

Me: (to my attorney) Aren’t you going to object?

My attorney: Heck no, I want see this! I think everyone wants to get a look at these.

Back to Reality

Trust me, no one wants to see that. And this is why colons and other body parts should not be allowed to sue people.  Everyone in our society needs to be less sensitive about being offended by stupid stuff and toughen up.

But seriously, you do need to have your periodic colonoscopy.  And it is also probably wise to treat your colon with some respect.

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