Bossy Women and Clueless Men

I was delighted when a group of prominent women started a new campaign called “Ban Bossy”.  We all know how bossy women can be and if they want to ban this behavior, this is something all men can support. 

And it is wonderful that Beyonce is one of the women leading the campaign. Because for me, Beyonce can be as bossy as she wants.  If you were married to Beyonce, you would cut her lots of slack because she makes about a gazillion dollars and she has luscious thighs like, um, thighs like well, Beyonce.

Now it could be troubling that Beyonce might be too busy to make you a sammich, but don’t worry.  She has so much money that you could have your maid make you a sammich.  And not some fat, ugly, maid either.  No, you could get one of those leggy French

We will waive the "sammich"
requirement for obvious reasons

maids with a cute accent.  And when Beyonce is on tour, the maid may even be able to fulfill other domestic type functions as well.  But I digress.

Now I believe if women are willing to address this female issue, that we men should respond with an improvement campaign of our own.  Therefore I am proposing the “Cut Out Cluelessness” campaign for us guys.  I believe cluelessness harms our relationships and if we are able to get more clues, we will understand the feelings of our partners better and of course most importantly, get more sex.

Now I know many guys right now are saying: “But Don, I’m not clueless!”  And thus you demonstrate the dire extent of the problem.  If you think you’re not clueless, it means you don’t even have a clue about how utter clueless you are.  I know you might be very confused right now, but please keep reading because remember, the ultimate goal is to get more sex.

So here is my 3-step plan to Cut Out Cluelessness.  Now ladies, I know that it will take much more than three steps to accomplish this, but there is only so much wisdom that the male brain can process at one time.

Step One: Consider the possibility that you could be “wrong”

I know this is a strange concept and the possibility is very small, however there is still some slight chance that you are not totally correct.  And if you are in fact “in error”, consider that this misjudgment may have caused unforeseen consequences that could have upset your partner.  I know you did not intend for these stupid consequences to occur, so it is not really your fault.

You do not have to admit you are wrong, however the possibility exists that could be, so do not adamantly claim that you are right.  By claiming you are right, you are now clearly doing something wrong and thus you will be penalized even if you were originally right.  The best thing to do is to shake your head and look bewildered at this mess that just somehow occurred.

Step Two: Consider the possibility that her explanation (or argument) is indeed rational

This again will be very difficult.  While a man’s logic is very simplistic, running directly from point A to Point B, a woman’s thought pattern flutters gently like a butterfly, weaving an artistic dance in many directions until it hits you like a missile right between the eyes.  Don’t try to understand the logic, or you will go stark raving mad. Instead realize that no matter bizarre the logic, it is rational to her.

I know this will take great effort, but actually try to listen to what she is saying, actually try to understand where she might be coming from.  And do not dismiss it as being influenced by her monthly cycle.  This is the effort it will take to get you from clueless, to just dense.

Step Three: Never ask the question “Was it wrong to do that?”

Just the fact that you want to ask this question indicates that the answer is obviously “Yes”.  But by actually saying it out loud you reveal your utter cluelessness.  And in response, your mate will not only tell you that this was wrong, but she will rehash a long list of stupid actions from years gone by.  By the end of this rant, she will not just be upset about your most recent faux pas, but the entire historical record.  It will send her into Bitchilla mode.  Better to not ask the question, but drop and shake your head and say “I guess I should not have done that.” 

Wait a minute! I just found out that the “Ban Bossy” campaign is not about stopping women from being bossy, but it is about banning the word “bossy” when a woman is actually acting bossy.  I don’t want any of these bossy, bossy, bossy, women to get upset about me calling them bossy so, um, never mind.

News Reporters In Short Skirts Can Be Distracting

I recently saw an advertisement for something called the “Vagina Monologues” to be “performed” at a local venue.  Apparently a woman, or maybe several women, has taught her hoo-hah how to speak.

I 'm going to assume that the woman is not “throwing” her voice like a ventriloquist.  This would just be a trick and not worth paying for.  Come to think of it, I have never seen a woman ventriloquist.  Maybe this skill requires an Adam’s apple.  Therefore if a woman ventriloquist invites you out for drinks after the show, I would respectfully decline.

I know it is difficult to believe a hoo-hah could speak but it actually could be true.  A hoo-hah does in fact have lips and if women think that men don’t listen to them (of course a feminine myth), then evolutionary forces could create a talking hoo-hah.

Evidently this phenomenon is in its early stages and the hoo-hahs have not yet learned to communicate to each other, thus the vagina is having a monologue, not a dialogue.  Once the vaginas learn to communicate directly with each other, you know they are going to discuss how men mistreat them.  This will be a terrible thing for us guys and at that point literal “pussy riots” may erupt.

I’m not sure what a hoo-hah would say in a monologue. “Hey, it’s really cold down here since you shaved me” or “I’m not really feeling very fresh today, how about a douche?” And even maybe: “Are you going to see Roger again? Because wow, ah, well you know!”

Learning to speak through your hoo-hah does have commercial applications however.  The trend in cable news is to hire beautiful, leggy, news-babes, dress them in micro-mini skirts, and then sit them on couches or chairs for maximum exposure.  I call it the “Hoo-Hah” news report.  If these ladies make one wrong move, the news turns into the “nature report” because then it’s all about the beaver. So if it’s really about showing maximum skin, why not just cut right to the chase and have a hoo-hah just deliver the goods.  I think once men got used to it, this would be much less distracting. 

Welcome to the "Hoo-Hah" News Report!

There are actually guys who watch these news babes, waiting for a slip of the, ah well, the parting of the ah, the appearance of the beaver.  They then capture a “screen shot” of the furry creature and proudly display their catch (or snatch if you prefer) on the Internet.  This is wrong.  These young men are not able to concentrate on what is being said and thus become woefully uninformed.  Do we really want that America?

You may think that having a hoo-hah read the news is an outrageous idea, but we are already moving in that direction. (Disclaimer: I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP)  There is a subscription only website called The Naked News where the newscasters wear no clothes.  But this site is not for nudists.  The women are very beautiful and very “healthy”. And surprisingly (based on the sample clips) very talented (I swear I am telling the truth). Talk about multi-tasking, sometimes they remove their clothes while reporting the news!  I speculate that these ladies are just putting their journalistic assets on display as a way bust out their career and make it to the Hoo-Hah news.

In the interest of keeping my blog audience fully informed, I signed up for a free trial-subscription of the Naked News to determine if someone could stay informed on current events  by viewing its content. I am happy to report that they can!

Here is what I learned from my trial report:

-         Apparently there is a country called “The U-Crane” and something is happening there

-         There is some type of website now that offers free healthcare

-         Jessica’s delivery of the news was fair, but she is slightly “unbalanced”

-         Melissa needs a new razor

Overall, I can say it was a very stimulating news report and looks to be the wave of the future.