The big impeachment trial is ending, which featured lots of
horrible behavior. It was all a big $h!+ - slinging contest, in which each side
insisted that the other’s $h!+ smelled much worse than theirs. At the end,
everyone ended up covered in $h!+ and nothing got done except that a bunch of
our tax money got wasted, but we’re used to that.
While most of these political hi-jinks were boring and
inconsequential, it was an opinion column written by a well-known commentator
that pushed me over the edge. I am thoroughly and totally enraged! This guy is
upset because one of the senators had the utter brazenness to wear chinos at
the Friday wrap-up session. And not just any chinos, they were “cotton chinos”!
They were made completely of cotton. Oh, the audacity! Oh, the depravity! Oh,
the utter bastardization of our democracy.
Our republic is now in danger because of chinos. Chinos –
that’s what this ultra-elitist hack is upset about. Not anything else about
this sorry spectacle. Chinos – that’s what’s destroying this country. And this infuriates
me. I will defend the right of all men, and even some women, to proudly sport
chinos when the situation demands it. And this impeachment trial surely
qualifies.
If I’m sitting listening to hours on end of mind-numbing,
repetitious gunk, I need to be as comfortable as possible. I do not want my
ever-expanding thighs to get chafed, and chinos won’t cause any abrasion because
they are so soft and comfy. Besides, if I can’t shift around in my seat, my hemorrhoids
are in danger of becoming inflamed. So chinos provide me the mobility I need
and permits me to man-spread without rubbing certain body parts raw. Yes, I can
spread it – spread it wide.
While those chinos guard my nether-regions, they defend the
tenants of democracy as well. Because if you ask me to vote on a penalty for someone
when my thighs are scraped and my hemorrhoids burning, I am likely to vote to
have them executed, even if that is not an option and they belong to my own political
party. Yeah, what can prevent this? One
word – Chinos. The soft, calming comfort of chinos!
This writer of course is probably some ivy-league geeker
who around his gated suburban abode in $300 slacks, $150 loafers, and an exquisite
cashmere sweater. He probably doesn’t even own a pair of chinos. This goof-head is also upset because three
other senators were chewing gum doing the proceedings. “Ooh, ooh, teacher, Joni’s
chewing gum in class!” He’s mad about chewing gum and chinos? What type of
freakazoid, geekazoid, are you? He is some Washington elitist who doesn’t
understand Midwestern values, and, in my case, Midwestern thighs.
If chinos would have existed in colonial times, I’m sure
the 11th amendment in the Bill of Rights would have given us all the
right to wear chinos whenever we darn well wanted, even during congressional
meetings. That’s what made the founder fathers great. They were willing to sit
in long meetings in uncomfortable clothes to create this nation. They literally
sacrificed their thighs for their country.
So, I will stand up for the God-given, constitutionally
driven, right to don chinos whenever and wherever I choose. Give me liberty –
to wear chinos – or give me death. I’m sure Patrick Henry would have backed me
up on this if he had even gotten to experience the oh so great feeling of those
chinos.
