The Last Big Diet – Part 1

I recently embarked on what I refer to as ‘My Last Big Diet’. After years of yo-yo dieting, I hit close to my all-time weight and must shed, or more appropriately shred, significant poundage, or I will die a fat man. 

And I believe that a fat man will die sooner than a thin ... , oh I mean, a not-so-fat man. I remember my friend and former co-worker, Fat Jerry. We all would marvel at the immense portions Jerry would consume at company functions. Fat Jerry would just retort with a huge grin, "It's all good! They're just going to have to get some more pallbearers!" We would all then laugh hysterically and resume eating. But nobody laughed when Fat Jerry's heart gave out at age 64. I hope they were able to find enough pallbearers to lift that casket. 

I blame part of my weight problem on COVID. I was in the midst of a highly successful diet when the virus hit. I speculate the COVID weight gain for many people resulted from the survival instinct we are born with. Your brain is telling your appetite: "You don't know when you will be able to eat again. The virus may kill everyone working at the grocery store, and you may die if you go outside. So, you need to eat mass quantities of anything and everything you can at every chance."

Using this strategy, I am glad to report I survived the virus. I did not starve! However, I gained 28, yes 28 pounds in 2020 after the pandemic began. So, I started a new diet at the beginning of this year. It had just begun when I came down with influenza. After recovering and eating heartily to rebuild my strength, I got sick for a week with a stomach virus. I bounced back just a few weeks before vacation, and this diet was over almost before it began.

The Last Big Diet

So, on September 1, it began. I won’t publicly detail my diet because I’m not a nutritionist. I will say I am counting calories, and unfortunately for me, I don’t get to count above 1,500. Sometimes, it feels as if all the grocers did die of COVID, and the only food available is a can of beans I bought at the warehouse club.

Unfortunately, when Facebook finds out you are on a diet, you are bombarded with every modern diet program known to man. There’s paleo, keto, groucho, harpo, and chico. You are supposed to eat fat or not eat fat. To eat carbs or not eat carbs. To consume any of the 20 magical meal-replacement shakes or rely on one of the traditional programs. But you can’t try Jenny Craig because she died right after COVID, and her followers were so hungry at that point, they consumed the body. I, however, was not impressed with any of these pitches and stuck to my original plan.   

But I Couldn’t Resist This One

In addition to the diets, there were ads for all types of devices, all promising to magically dissolve your extra pounds. I dismissed every one of them as hoaxes, except one. I started reading the ads for men’s compression shirts. The shirts are made of thicker spandex material, and the ads claimed that by wearing the shirts, you would burn more calories and effortlessly lose weight. Well, I didn’t believe the hype and decided they were a waste of money until one ad said that in addition to helping you lose weight, the shirt would “flatten your moobs”. Moobs is the new acceptable term, replacing "man boobs" and the ridiculous "chesticles".

But flatten my moobs? Now you’ve got my attention. Overweight men tend to develop those unsightly and embarrassing moobs. Now, I don’t have moobs like Jagger. Jagger, being Fred Jagger, a retired custodian so chesty that he makes high school girls jealous. But if you can flatten my moobs, I’m in.

Surprisingly, there were many different brands of compression shirts. I chose a black, mid-priced one. The first time I wore the shirt, I was impressed by how it pushed my excess weight together, improving my shape. Then the light went on! This is why women wear girdles. I always thought girdles were funny, but now I get it. I feel you, girlfriends! What I had purchased was a male girdle – or a mirdle. In discussing the subject with some female friends, they pointed out that the term girdle has been replaced by Spanx. I find the Spanx term too provocative. Because a woman is wearing Spanx leggings and makes the mistake of telling me, I consider that an open invitation to … uh … well -- I have been known to get slap-happy.

And the shirt was successful in flattening my moobs! However, initially, the tight fabric irritated my nipples, excuse me, my mipples, which could have the opposite effect of drawing attention to my chest. Although, I have no idea if women even notice mipples, let alone get excited by them.

Putting the shirt on after showering is challenging because your skin is moist. It took me almost ten minutes of intense struggle to get wrapped in the shirt the first time. I was out of breath and sweating by the end, which I wondered if that is part of the shirt’s fat-burning mechanism that they neglect to mention in the ad. So, putting on a mirdle can be a struggle – so once again, I feel for you, girlfriend, I feel for ya! If there were a TikTok video of me putting on that shirt after the shower, “Fat Man Puts on Mirdle” would have gone viral around the globe.

But I do like my mirdle. I wear it on occasions where I want to look my best. My mipples are now used to it, and I am getting better at applying the shirt after a shower. And it does motivate me to keep losing weight because it shows what I could look like if I could just stay on the diet.

 

 

Not a French Kiss - Just A Friendly Spanish One

A firestorm has erupted over the president of Spain's soccer federation kissing the star player on the women's team at the medal ceremony after Spain's victory in the World Cup final. Luis Rubiales kissed Jenni Hermoso on the lips in celebration, but without her alleged consent. Yes, he kissed her on the lips – on the lips, mind you – on the lips! And for this, some want Luis to be charged with sexual assault.

Now, somebody has to defend the guy. And who better than me? A man who understands men - who understands sports - and has at least a minimal understanding of women.

I do need to say that this behavior was inappropriate. Without her consent, you should not plant a surprise kiss on a “non-relationship” woman anywhere on her body. Of course, there are much worse places than the lips to apply this kiss, but I digress. But I contend that the kiss in question was a minor indiscretion, a faux pas, as it were, with the appropriate penalty being a mere reprimand, a red mark on his personnel file. It doesn't come close to warranting a sexual assault declaration.

Here is why I believe Luis’ actions were negligible, and even understandable under the circumstances.   

1.    The Kiss Was Not Premeditated

Luis was caught up in the moment of his countrywoman winning the World Cup. He was excited. He was exhilarated. And when the person who was most responsible for this victory approached him, he reacted with a gesture that showed a tremendous amount of appreciation for that effort. In the moment, it was an emotional response to winning the grand prize. The kiss, in this sense, was a reward for a game well played. (Note: I will detail my similar experience at the end of this post.) 

2.    The Kiss Was Not Sexual in Nature 

Yes, the kiss may have been passionate, due to the athletic accomplishment, but it was in no way sexual. It was a quick peck, with minimal lip contact. He held Jenni’s head in his hands and delivered the smooch. He held her head steady to kiss her straight on and not miss the mark. You do not hold the sides of a woman’s head when executing a sensual kiss, and it is much more titillating to approach the target from the side, and then hold the lip-lock for a while. Because he is much taller, this was the only way to deliver the deed straight on and not risk a wet, sloppy result. And there was no tongue – no tongue at all. This was just a friendly Spanish kiss – not a French one.

3.    “Consent” is Very Nebulous for Kisses 

Consent for sex is easier to establish. Still, in most cases, the green light for copulation is seldom verbalized. The man proceeds, if the situation presents itself, unless and until the woman tells him to stop. Also, there is a "dance" and process to the sexual act, usually carried out over a few minutes at least, allowing for consent or “no consent” to be expressed one way or another. 

Rarely does a man ask permission for a kiss. In our culture, and probably more so in Spain, asking a woman for a kiss is a sign of weakness and doesn’t qualify as a sign of respect for the woman. And this is not Victorian England: “I would be blessed me lady, if thy might honor me by the pressing of thine lips together.” 

New couples, or first encounters (think bar pick-ups), figure out this kissing consent thing non-verbally, by what I refer to as the “google eyes” (which has nothing to do with the search engine). I can’t describe the google eyes, but a female knows when she is flashing them, and a male certainly knows he’s receiving them, and then the puckering commences. 

If the male doesn't get the google eyes, but goes in for a kiss anyway, the female may turn her head to the side to avoid the kiss, or accept it, if she deems it non-repulsive. That’s how consent for a kiss works, like it or not. 

Luis and Jenni did engage in an extended, tight, celebratory hug. They had already invaded each other’s personal space, as it were. There weren’t romantic google eyes, but probably a passionate eye-lock as they celebrated the moment.  There wasn't time to ask for consent. I do concede that holding both sides of her head did not allow her to reject the kiss. It was forced, which makes it inappropriate – but yet still understandable. 

4.    She Ain’t That Hot 

Jenni is cute, very cute for a soccer player, but not hot. She’s not the most attractive woman on the team. It’s not like Luis played tonsil tennis with a super sexy, but mediocre defender. That would have raised a serious concern. This kiss was a reward, not a come-on.

And I don’t believe he felt “it” after the kiss. The guys know what “it” refers to. (Ladies, “it” is a uniquely male reflex). And you don't feel "it"; that kiss was platonic. 

And while Jenni is not hot, Luis is a freaking stud of manhood – no homo. I mean, he is tall, bald, and middle-aged – which is the ultimate standard for all Adonises. He is so handsome that maybe he should have asked for consent from Jenni. 

But there is a strong possibility Jenni didn’t feel anything by kissing this studly hunk either. My comprehensive Internet research found there is considerable evidence that Jenni, like many women soccer players, has a sexual prefer…., um is a, um – let’s just say she may kick from the other foot. If that is the case, the incident would be the equivalent of two straight men exchanging a celebratory peck. If this were, in fact, the case, it would be extremely weird, though not so much in Europe, but probably not an infraction at all. 

My Experience With This 

My experience in this situation is why I am defending Luis so intently …. 

Many years ago, I played in a very competitive company softball game between the Marketing and Sales departments. The outside salespeople disliked some of the marketing managers, turning what was supposed to be a friendly game into a grudge match.

Debbie, a marketing assistant, was a reluctant member of my team and may not have ever swung a bat in her life. However, after striking out badly the first time, in her next at bat somehow dribbled a ball past the pitcher and got to first base. Our team followed that up with a couple more hits, as we coached Debbie around the bases until she scored. 

I was on deck when Debbie proudly strutted by me. She had done a great job and scored a much-needed run. Instinctively, I swung my hand back to smack her on the @$$. It’s what guys do during games if someone does well. If you are face to face, you do a high-five. But if he is walking past you, you don’t stop him, you just smack his butt. Be advised that this behavior is only permissible on the field, and not in the shower afterward. So, I’m just about to congratulate Debbie, when my brain realizes what I’m about to do and screams NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I quickly drop the hand back to my side and yell, "Way to go, Deb!” 

I breathed a sigh of relief that I had narrowly escaped an embarrassing situation. Debbie probably would have been surprised if I had slapped her, but ultimately found it funny. I would have apologized, but the action would not have been sexual in nature. (And guys, I know you are now wondering what the quality was of that @$$ I almost spanked. Well, it was a Grade-A quality rump roast)

The Final Word 

I think situations of this type are bound to happen when men and women interact in sports-oriented activities. Yes, Luis should have apologized, but the apology should have been a soft, conditional one that fit the minor indiscretion. This was a social flub, not a sexual assault.