Because the first post about ‘My Last Big Diet’ generated so many questions, Ferd DeBerg from TMZZ interviewed me:
Ferd: Don, our investigation has revealed that you have hired someone to help you lose weight. Do you confirm or deny?
Me: Investigation? Well, yes, I am using a nutritionist, and she has been great.
Ferd: A nutritionist? You? You expect us to believe you are taking advice from someone about your food! That’s almost laughable.
Me: Babette is a professional, and she has been very beneficial.
Ferd: Ah, yes, beneficial! Let’s talk about that Babette. Is it not true that your so-called nutritionist is a young, hot blonde? Confirm or deny?
Me:
Come on! Babette is a professional, a skilled professional, giving me strictly
professional advice on nutrition matters. Did I mention that she is a
professional?
Ferd: A professional, young, hot blonde? I see.
Me: Wait, a minute! Babette is NOT a young, hot, blonde. That is absolutely not true. I deny that statement! Not a young, hot blonde. Totally false! Got it?
Ferd: Okay, what about this photo here of you and Babette sharing smoothies at the local juice bar? That looks like a tasty treat you’re having there. Now, based on this evidence, do you still deny your nutritionist is a young, hot blonde?
Me: Well, yes, that smoothie was delicious. It contained some goji, mango, and chia seeds – and it was all organic!
Ferd: No, I was talking about that tasty, young, hot blonde who you seem to go-ji places with.
Me: Like I said, Babette is not a young, hot blonde. She happens to be in her 50s.
Ferd: So, she is a hot, older blonde?
Me: Okay, so she’s a smokin’ hot blonde. Many nutritionists are in great shape due to their profession.
Ferd: But doesn’t her age make it even more alluring? You wouldn't have much of a chance with a chick in her 20s, but things could heat up with someone closer to your age, couldn't they?
Me: Look, Babette and I have a strictly professional relationship. I don't even notice her hotness, except that time when she demonstrated some yoga positions she thought I could incorporate into my fitness routine. Her Downward Dog is rather impressive!
But if you asked her about the possibility of us, say, expanding our relationship, I'm sure she would go all Taylor Swift and proclaim, “We are never, ever, ever, getting together!”
Ferd: So, her blonde hotness has no impact whatsoever on your professional relationship?
Me: No, I never said that. Having a hot, blonde nutritionist does help me lose weight.
Ferd: How so?!!
Me: It’s a fact that a man’s brain responds to praise from a hot blonde with greater intensity. I call it HBM – Hot Blonde Motivation.
Ferd: That’s ridiculous! How does that work?
Me: Well, even though my rational brain understands the professional relationship, my man-brain believes that if I lose enough weight, Babette could be so impressed that she might reward me with a bit of dessert.
Ferd: Your man-brain is that stupid?
Me: All man-brains are that stupid. That’s what causes all men to think like idiots most of the time.
Ferd: And this Hot Blonde Motivation helps you lose weight?
Me: Sure it does! When my rational brain thinks, "I think I will have some cake," my man-brain intercedes with “Nooooooo! Babette won’t be happy, and we certainly want Babette to be happy. So, no cake for you!"
Honestly, my man-brain is so stupid that you could have any hot blonde text me, “Oh, very good!” when I report a weight loss, or “I am so disappointed in you” when I gain weight, and I would be just as motivated to lose weight. She wouldn't have to know anything about nutrition. Heck, she wouldn’t have to know how to spell nutrition for the Hot Blonde Motivation to work.
Ferd: Well then, what would motivate you to lose the most weight?
Me:
That’s easy! If Taylor Swift would take notice of my weight loss. If that
happened, I soon would be strutting around in skinny jeans! - very skinny
jeans.
Ferd: Yeah, like that is going to happen!
Me: Well, I wrote this song parody to get her attention. I have even pitched a music video for the song featuring me dancing around wearing a European man-thong. I just need to drop another 60 pounds and, of course, work out more.
Ferd: Working out, yes, I almost forgot. There is still another rumor that you are considering hiring a personal trainer.
Me: Yes, my friend Candy does that, and we have been discussing it.
Ferd: She’s a young, hot blonde, isn’t she? I bet she is.
Me: Look at the time! I gotta run.
Take It Off
Got
so much on my plate
I’m
snacking way too late
That’s
what people claim
That’s
what people claim
I
eat too many scones
Got
issues with big bones
At least that’s what people claim
That’s
what people claim
But
I keep losin’
Lean
foods I am choosin’
It’s
like I got this message
In
my head sayin’, You’re going to be so light
Cause
the eaters gonna eat, eat, eat, eat, eat
And
milk-shakers gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
Baby, I’m just gonna
take, take, take, take, take
Take it off, take it
off
Snack-breakers
gonna break, break, break, break, break
And
the bakers gonna bake, bake, bake, bake, bake
Baby,
I’m just gonna take, take, take, take, take
Take
it off, take it off
….
But I will not be taking off that European man-thong in the video!
