Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Miley and I Both Go Topless – More 2015 In Review

More bizarre leftovers from 2015 ……

Best Tagline

My alma mater, The University Akron, decided it could solve all its problems with a spiffy new tagline: Ohio’s Polytechnic University. Large chunks of money were spent advertising it and “tagging” it on to anything and everything. (It may even be tattooed on the new president’s tush).

I saw a golden opportunity to cash in on this situation, so I immediately added the tagline to my resume and flew to company headquarters.  I walked into my boss’s office and smacked my resume on his desk.

Me: I demand a big raise!

Boss: Why? This is just your old resume.

I immediately jumped out of my chair and pointed out my important update.

Me: As you can see, my education section now includes this important, new, tagline, so how about tagging some extra cash on to my paycheck?

Boss: But what is a polytechnic?

Me: Beats me, but I am now qualified to do essential, polytechnic-type, stuff.

Boss: But you have a business degree.

Me: That would now be a polytechnic-business degree, sir.

Boss: I don’t think this matters at all and I should point out our healthcare plan only covers one spouse.

Me: I’m a polytectnicist, not a polygamist, sir.

I could tell this was not going well, fortunately I had a Plan B.  I whipped out my iPhone6 and blasted out some Fifth Harmony:

“Give it to me, I'm worth it
Baby I'm worth it
Uh huh I'm worth it
Gimme gimme I'm worth it
Give it to me, I'm worth it
Baby I'm worth it
Uh huh I'm worth it
Gimme gimme I'm worth it”

The music sounded so good, I just had to get up and dance!

The results were not good.  No raise, a reprimand from HR, and I ended up having to pay for my plane ticket.  Perhaps I should have left my shirt on during the dance. 

Worst Rejection

A South Korean heiress and airline Vice President became enraged because a male flight attendant steward offered nuts to her in a bag and not on a plate.  This horrendous incident happened before take-off. She demanded that the plane return to the gate and the vagrant attendant be thrown off for his most egregious act.

Even though the woman is wealthy and attractive, I would advise guys to avoid dating this woman.  If she is that particular about how a man presents his nuts to her, I think that is a huge red flag.  It is apparent that offering up a substandard nut sack, can send her into a rage.  Sure you could do some manscaping, but how would you know until the moment of truth that your nuts were in deed acceptable? Most guys could not perform under that type of pressure, even on medication.

Worst Small Talk

I was in line at the post office and the clerk was conversing loudly with the people he waited on.  When it was my turn, he assumed I had been following the conversation (I had not) because the first thing he said to me was: “And that’s how we found out my father had gangrene”.

Like could you just ask me how I was doing? Even if I was having a lousy day, I would lie and say I was fine. Just ask me, please, ask me.  But no, as he processed my mail, the discussion continued with descriptions of incredibly elevated blood sugar levels and comments about prosthetics.  I tried to avoid eye contact and kind of just grunted whenever he expected me to respond to something, but that didn’t deter him at all.

Perhaps the postal service needs to conduct customer service training on engaging customers in small talk. 

Worst Click Bait

I’m trying to get something very important finished. I need to pull some information off the Internet, so I log on and immediately see:

Miley Cyrus Goes Topless On Magazine Cover

I have absolutely no interest in this.  I don’t about Miley Cyrus. I don’t care about this magazine. There is nothing about this of any importance to me in any way and I am in a hurry. So of course, I click on it.  Because all my male brain is able to process after reading the headline is “tits!”

And I am sorry to report that Miley Cyrus’s tits are not very impressive. They are very average type tits.  They are adequate tits, no real need for enhancement, but they are just tits. They are not worthy to be on a cover of a magazine, except for the fact they are attached to Miley Cyrus.  An of course since this is on a magazine, the naughty bits of the tits are covered.

So, if you ever see a headline on the Internet regarding Miley Cyrus being
This is all you get to see in this blog!
topless, I would suggest that you continue on with what you are doing and not click on it. Because her tits are average, very average. I have already checked this out and am reporting on this important topic as a public service to you all.

Worst Planning

A $2.2 billion solar energy plant in California is only producing 25% of the electricity that was expected because planners say “clouds” and “weather” had a greater impact than anticipated.  And you think the people you work with are stupid.

Please buy my new humor book - Just Make Me A Sammich http://donake.net/just-make-me-a-sammich-book



  1. At first I though maybe you mistakenly used "detour" instead of "deter", but on second thought "detour" works just fine. Your polytechnic education is showing :-)

    1. Good catch. I did mean deter, but you are right and that's maybe why I didn't catch it. I suspect spell check may have been involved, but that's why I like smart readers! Thanks, Roger!

  2. Good way to start the morning. Definitely a couple of laugh out loud moments and at least one thing I read that was scorched to my brain that I wish wasn't -- the image of you dancing in your bosses office without your shirt -- why Don? Why?