Four years ago, I “came out” as a boxer-brief wearer and
revealed my unabashed preference for this style of underwear. Since then I have purchased numerous pairs of
various brands as needed, typically using gift money on post-holiday sales. A couple years ago, I even splurged and got
two pairs of high-priced Jockey’s ($20 regular price), which I wear for special
occasions (long travel days, etc.).
I was totally satisfied with my underwear inventory until
Facebook ads started appearing on my feed, touting superior, high-tech, superb-fitting,
shorts. Suddenly, I started to feel that my current underwear was woefully
inadequate. Naturally I was curious, so
I clicked one of the ads. Of course,
this was a huge mistake. This alerts
Facebook you are interested in this type of product, which means you are
deluged with even more ads for these products, every day, until you die.
This marketing attack was too much for me to resist. Now I
was totally dissatisfied with my current skivvies and yearned to try these
awesome garments, which promised to pamper my man-parts. But there were several
brands advertised, which one should I buy? So, as a public service to men
dealing with this critical issue, I decided to buy four different pairs of high-end
(insert snicker here) boxer-briefs and review them here in my blog. This is an actual, serious, review. Rest
assured, I will treat this subject with the somberness that I apply to all
other topics. I promise not to inject
any puns, absurdities, or other frivolous attempts at humor, in dealing with
this serious issue.
I informed my wife of this project because I needed her to
wash all four pairs of shorts together, so as to provide a controlled,
scientific environment for my evaluation.
She was not at all pleased that I was spending over $100 for blog posts
(this is a two-part series) and wondered why this underwear costed so much. After
I explained these briefs featured the latest odor-control technology,
inexplicably her whole attitude changed and it seemed she was actually looking
forward to the shorts arriving.
However, she did order me not to post any photos of me
modeling the shorts on the blog. I know
this is a huge disappointment to my female fans, but you will just have to settle
for your fantasies. Posting these photos
would have also risked “cease-and-desist” orders from the vendors, fearing
tremendous sales loses if millions of people saw me in their undies.
The Contestants:
Tommy
John
Tommy John promotes its product as a “ballsy investment”
and you know I like a company which speaks my language. The product assortment ranged from $31-$48,
including a pair containing titanium. I
choose their most popular “Second Skin Boxer Brief” which featured:
-
A contour pouch to “nestle the boys”
-
A horizontal fly for “quick access when nature
calls”
-
A stay put waistband
-
No riding up, no wedgies
The “Second Skin’s” are available in seven classy colors. I choose the Merlot, because like a fine wine
my grapes have gotten better with age.
Using my 15% online discount (on the $34 list) and after the website
froze on my first attempt, my order after shipping costs totals $33.85.
Mac
Weldon
Mac Weldon claims they designed their boxer briefs from the
ground up, with a no-roll waistband, stay-put legs and mesh cooling zones, for
optimal comfort. They come in three
styles. I choose the “Silver”, named not
due to the color, but because it contains actual silver, which has
anti-microbial and anti-odor properties.
Of course, I must always remember not to wear these shorts
on airplane trips. It would be awkward
to have my underwear set off the alarm (similar to a woman’s underwire bra) at
the security check. If a cute TSA rep
asked the question: “Sir, do you have a weapon in there?” There are oh, so,
many replies I might give. But there is only one correct answer to this
question and I’m not sure I trust myself to just say “No”. Also, it would be darn embarrassing if the
lead story on CNN is “Man’s underwear sets off airport alarms, delaying flights
around the country for hours”.
These shorts are only available in five colors and three
were out of stock, so I had to settle for the “True Navy”. The price was $34 and I used a discount code
to get free shipping.
Me
Undies
Me Undies offer the “ultimate” feel-good undies which:
-
Are three times softer than cotton
-
Have comfy, durable, flatlock stitching
-
Feature a soft flexible waistband
-
Have a “generous pouch which gives your stuff
the support it needs without feeling too tight”
In perusing their website, I was a bit concerned that Me
Undies also makes women’s undergarments. I’m sure though that the men’s and
women’s stuff is made at different factories, on different machines and from
totally different materials. For some
unknown reason, I spend extensive time on their website and I must say that the
young, blond, woman modeling the lime green, “Lacie Thong” is rather
impressive.
Me Undies is one of those fun, relationship-oriented,
Internet retailers, so popular with Millennials. They have an “Underwear of the Month” deal
where they will ship you a fresh pair every month, although it seems to me that
a month is a long time to go between changes.
Me Undies has by far the best color and pattern selection. Their “Bold”
and “Adventurous” lines include many gay colors, and of course I am strictly using
the archaic definition of that word. I
don’t really know why you would ever wear one of those fancier styles, unless
you were at a party and everyone was running around in their ….. oh …. oh no, ….
let’s just forget I ever mentioned that.
It turns out that Me Undies are priced more mid-range than
high-range. However, I decide to keep
them in this study because they do so much Internet advertising and I already
own some similarly priced underwear for comparison. I choose the very
conservative, manly, Classic Dark Emerald, to package my jewels. The final
price with free shipping and first time discount (off of $20 list) is only $15.
Duluth
Trading Company
DTC does not directly advertise on Facebook, but I included
them due to their high rankings when I did an Internet search to make sure I
wasn’t overlooking any good shorts.
Their Buck Naked Performance Boxer Briefs received rave reviews from several
sources. They promote the shorts as: “No
sweat. No stink. No pinch.” The briefs
are designed to wick sweat, control odor and stretch with you when working or
working out. I choose the Deep Orange at $22.50 list, however after a hefty $10
delivery charge and tax, the total comes to $34.35.
Price & Delivery
Now it is interesting that the totals for the high-end
shorts came in at $33.85, $34.00, and $34.35 respectively. There is of course no price-fixing here
because the three companies all got to these prices in different ways. And I can assure you as someone with many
years of professional pricing experience, that this is a complete and total
coincidence.
Mack Weldon and Tommy John shipped my stuff first, a day or
two after my order. Duluth and Me Undies
shipped one day later, the Me Undies arriving last, coming from
California. While the packages from
Tommy John and Mac Weldon were very discreet, the ones from the other vendors
were not. The Duluth Trading Company package had “Buck Naked Briefs” printed in
large letters. The day after the “Buck
Naked’s” arrived, when I went out to get the mail, I thought I noticed the
blond mail lady flash a smile and give me “the eye” before she drove away. But it wasn’t because of the Buck Naked’s, it
was because she had just delivered my Me Undies and that is some package! (see
photo). Oh My!
Next Post: The Evaluation and Rankings!
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