This Women’s Sports League is a Bust

Several months ago, I was channel surfing through the sports offerings when I accidentally clicked on a women's soccer match. I chuckled to myself because I find both soccer and women's sports excruciatingly dull, and combining the two is mind-numbing. I smiled as I clicked on to the next channel, wistfully asking myself what it would take for me to actually watch women's soccer.

Of course, it took my man-brain only a second to answer that question. "You would watch a match if the women were topless," it said. I nearly laughed out loud at that thought. The concept was funny and bizarre; thus, I considered it for a future Ake's Pains blog post.

But I immediately rejected it because it is crude, outrageous, and excessively sexist. I have a lot of women readers, and it just seemed over-the-top and too much guy locker-room talk. Yes, believe it or not, I do have standards, and this topic did not meet them.

But Don, why are you now writing about this subject now, if it is so taboo?

We Live in a Crazy World

I almost wish I had written about the topic back then because I would have been considered a visionary. We live in a wacky, messed up world, where bizarre stuff seems to happen constantly, such as …..

In May, former sports reporter Holly Sonders launched the Topless Sports League featuring “the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen”. In the words of Dave Barry, “I’m not making this up.”

The Xposed Sportz league will feature Instagram and OnlyFans models competing in basketball, bowling, tennis, ping pong, jump rope, chess, billiards, and that immensely popular sport, Twister.

The women will be "sweaty and oiled up," competing wearing "little-to-no clothing and bikinis." So, yes, this league is topless, crude, outrageous, and excessively sexist, but now it’s a thing, or maybe more appropriately, two things. And the sexism is mollified somewhat because the CEO is a woman, and nobody is forcing the woman to shed their jerseys before the competition.

Breaking Down This New League

Well, because I'm a sports fan and had the idea first, I am compelled to speculate, not fantasize, I assure you, but speculate, on how these sports might operate in the new league.

Jump Rope

I’ve never watched competitive jump rope, but I assume it is a contest based on speed. If so, it will be the most dangerous of the league’s sports. Protective goggles are a must and an on-site, medical crew, similar to those at boxing matches, will be necessary when a competitor knocks herself out. And slow-motion replays are a must.

Billiards

There’s limited motion here, but there is a lot of leaning and bending which could hold viewers’ interest. Announcers will have to refrain from using the term “nice rack” because it will be blatantly obvious and redundant.  

Basketball

The rules must be modified to eliminate “double-dribble” violations because, let's face it, every dribble will be a double dribble. And all the referees must be female because it will be impossible for a male to focus on the game with 20 boobies bouncing up and down the court.

Tennis

Lots of running and bouncing will make this a popular league sport. However, the silicone-enhanced ladies have an advantage here because their “cores” are much more stable. Better have some of those medics from jump roping ready in case one of the natural players rips a backhand and gets smacked on the follow-through.

Bowling

There is sufficient motion to keep the viewers’ interested. And oh, those celebrations when they roll a strike! And no need for any reracks – we got all the racks we need. 

Ping Pong

It might be the most popular league sport because of all the quick motion in a confined space. Doubles, or in this case quads, add to the action. 

Chess

This is the weirdest choice. Let's rename it Ches(t). But this one allows

participation by more mature ladies, provided they can bring some big bishops to the table. And let's use an over-sized table in case those bishops need a resting place. In this case, the trophies are placed on the table before the match starts. 

Twister

Give them credit for figuring out how to make Twister an exciting spectator sport. I would spice it up even more by remaking it as "Titty Twister" and allowing the ladies to tweak their opponents at any time to win the match. Oh, and no need to pay the male refs to officiate.

Final Thoughts

Give Xposed Sportz credit for figuring out how to keep penis-wielding femme fakales out of their women’s league. Because, by going topless, players that don’t belong are going to fall flat.

Finally, soccer was not included. I guess soccer is so boring guys won't even watch women play it topless. Perhaps, if the shorts were also gone … Oh no, way, way, too sexist, I hope they don’t see this post. Let’s forget I said anything about this …….

 

 

Discussing Dick Pics

Dick pics are one of the worst uses of technology in the digital age. At some point in our digital evolution, it became possible to take a photo of your erect penis on your phone and send it to someone through message, text, or email - and the dick pic was sprung. And because of the rise of social media, you don’t even have to know the person to flash them your Willie!

Dick pics burst, okay, wrong word … rose to, still not right …. came upon the, this is going to be difficult to write about. Okay, dick pics made headlines several years ago when former U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner was indiscriminately tweeting his wiener all over the stratosphere. I blogged about that, meaning this is technically my second post on the subject.

And based on my extensive research, the number of dick pics has exploded … okay, has proliferated since then. Iva Biggun, Director of the National Dick Pic Institute of America, estimates that over 87 million dick pics were sent over the information superhighway last year. However, this number is in dispute, with Carly Bimbastic claiming she received 23 million dick pics alone in 2022.

Wait! We have a question from the audience!

Don, why are you writing about this? Women find dick pics disgusting, and men are pigs for sending them! Case closed!

Well, unfortunately it’s not that simple. 

The Woman Issue

Dick Pics are much more complex than they appear. Well, not the pics themselves, but the issue. You see, regarding dick pics, women fall into three general categories:

1.    Those who are disgusted by them.

2.    Those that enjoy them.

3.    Those that say they are disgusted by them but secretly enjoy them.

I know some people will take offense at this, but I must write about what is, not what should be. And I do speak the truth ….

Yes, unfortunately for those women in Category 1, some women actually like getting dick picks. My evidence are comments made by various women on social media who show a fondness for a show of raw masculinity. This includes a hot, classy woman, a Facebook friend from England, who loves receiving unsolicited dick pics. In addition, there is an episode of Succession where Kendall Roy’s love interest demands he send her a dick pic. And because she is such a hot chic, he sticks his phone down his pants and reluctantly complies.

Women are complex beings and react to men’s crude actions very differently. Years ago, I was behind a group of five women walking through a factory when the workers began to catcall and whistle. Two of the women were disgusted, two ignored it, but one, the most attractive in the herd, just ate it up.

I’m speculating that the great majority of women don’t like dick pics. It’s impossible to know how many women secretly enjoy them. But if some of these women in Category 3, along with the women who enjoy the practice, respond favorably to the sender; guys will continue to send dick picks and lots of dick pics.

Note, I am in no way advocating the practice. I’m just blogging about it.

The Guy Issue

Wait! We have another question from the audience!

Don, if most women don’t want dick pics, why do guys send so many of them?

Well, the simple answer is: Because we can. The second simple answer is: Because, we are guys, and testosterone makes us do crazy things. But the real answers, believe it or not, are much more complicated.

Lack of communication skills

Many guys lack the necessary communication skills to woo women. And these skills have deteriorated in the younger generations due to social media and video games. The dick pic is the simplest, most direct communication available for a guy to show romantic - oh excuse me, I mean sexual (for this younger generation) interest in a female. The dick pic says: I have a penis, and it works! It is available for use if you desire its services. I mean, how romantic is that?! But it is efficient; no icky flowery poetry or flattery words are needed, just a pic of a hard wanker is all you need.

Fun – and that tingly feeling

Guys flirt, catcall, make sexual comments, over-compliment, and do stupid things regarding women, because it is fun. It also can give us a tingly feeling in our naughty bits - a result of the surge in testosterone for being well, naughty.

Of course, some guys don’t know when to quit and all those activities can cross the line, resulting in sexual harassment. I’m sure some guy out there has sent 50 dick pics to the same woman, even after she has demanded that he stop.

Evolution

I believe that social media is causing devolution. (Yes, the guys from Akron with the funny hats were ahead of their time.) This de-evolving includes the male of the species displaying his reproductive organs to all potential hot female in hopes of finding a partner to propagate the species. So, we devolve into baboons. Baboons with camera phones capable of flashing our junk way beyond the jungle. From a purely evolutionary perspective, it is perfectly normal behavior, and guys can’t help themselves. Are we not men? We are men with penises! Here let me show you ….

Because It Sometimes Works

If a guy throws his penis around cyberspace long enough, eventually, it will find a dick pic lovin’ gal. And if this convergence results in the subject gaining entrance to the predicate, the dude will still be sending dick pics from the nursing home when he is 90 years old.

An Effective Dating Strategy?

But we people of a certain age have the wisdom to see the folly of dick pics. If the only thing the guy has going for him is that his penis takes an impressive photo, how impressive is the guy in general? And any woman who is attracted to a pic of your penis is probably going to be impressed, and maybe even compressed, by any erect penis that pops up, so good luck hanging on to her and keeping her satisfied long-term. And your penis is going to be under extreme pressure to constantly perform.

And even though my foxy friend from England enjoys getting dick pics, she explicitly states she would never date any man that would send her one. So, this doesn’t appear to be an effective dating strategy in the year 2023. This kind of makes the argument for dick pics rather flaccid.

Oh look, another question:

Don, you haven’t explained how you are Facebook friends with a beautiful woman from England.

Oh yes, she writes books, and I write books. So, we connected because we are both authors, meaning my interest in her is purely literary in nature. I hardly notice when she posts her sexy modeling pics.

And Another Thing

Women need to stop complaining on Facebook about receiving so many dick pics. It is a distasteful humble brag – “Lordy, I don’t know what to do. So many men want to have sex with me.” Listen, there will come a day when you long for a dick pic, but there will be none, so perhaps you should save some of the more impressive ones for nostalgia purposes.

And your humble brags are very hurtful to all the lonely, plain-Jane types who may enjoy dick-pickery. She would cherish a dick pic, even a “shortie”, but she gets none, while you get all that dick pic action and complain about it. So just shut your pie hole already!

Another question!

“So Don, you do condemn the practice of sending dick pics in the strongest of terms.

Well, I would like to but, but ….

It might be hypocritical of me to do so. If I had access to today’s technology when I was 18 years old, when my hormones were raging, with my penchant for ornery behavior, and with my enormous crush on Cindy McPherson, I cannot say for certain that my boner would not have gone flying through the information superhighway and sliding into Cindy’s inbox.

The Rebuke

But guys, it is not a good practice to send unsolicited dick pics, especially to women you don’t know. It is ineffective and crude. Please keep your camera phone out of your pants.

Still more questions …

That doesn’t sound like a powerful rebuke. Have you ever sent a woman a dick pic?

I can unequivocally state that I have not.

Okay, but has any woman ever requested that you send her one? Perhaps someone in England?

Oh look, we’re out of space today! Wouldn’t want to take up too much of the Internet. That’s all we the time we have. Gotta run …..!