Boys Just Wanna Have Fun

When I started watching the business-based drama Succession, I immediately identified with the character of Roman Roy. While the other characters screamed and freaked out about business dealings and catastrophes, Roman was gratified by making smart-@$$ sarcastic comments and ridiculing everyone and everything.

I absolutely loved Roman. His sharp wit was outrageous. He was a guy who was not afraid to test the boundaries as he spoke hilarious truth to power. He could spot the ridiculous aspects of pompous business people and cut them down to size. He saw the humor in even the most serious business situations and verbalized it. He had a low tolerance for bull$h!t and called it out repeatedly.

And I identified with Roman because I did the same things my entire career. I cracked jokes during meetings. I made fun of bosses. I pointed out the absurdity of company motivational seminars and horse-$h!t  strategy. I was always joking and kidding people even during serious meetings. And I called out that bull$h!t. Sure, many of my comments were inappropriate, but I am still proud that I was never called into HR for anything I said. Of course, if I said those same things in today's hyper-sensitive environment, I would be fired. And by fired, I mean they would bound and gag me, take me behind the building, and burn me at the stake – maybe as part of the company fire extinguisher training! 

But then, as the television series progressed, I noticed that because of Roman's sarcastic attitude, he was not taken seriously when it came to important business matters. It was as if the other characters assumed that he couldn't have any corporate smarts because he was always cracking sarcastic jokes. And then the shovel smacked me in the face – I was watching a version of my own business career played out on my big-screen television.

My career was not a failure, but on paper, it appears, until my last position, that I failed to reach my business potential. Throughout my career, I was not given the opportunity to advance, and many of my best ideas were ignored. I was promoted only once and managed just four employees total – and one of them hated me. To be fair, she hated everyone, including herself, but my final resume screams underachievement.

Now I had other things working against me. Still, by watching Succession, I came to the conclusion that my career growth was hindered by my sarcastic sense of humor. Naturally, I began to regret my actions. If only I could have kept my mouth shut. I should have concentrated on my career advancement instead of cracking all those funny jokes.

I was still feeling somewhat despondent about this until the next time I saw my grandson. He sees me and immediately gets that ornery look in his eye. I can instantly recognize that look because I have been making that face my entire life. I imagine his brain thinking: Hey, it's the big goofy kid who only cares about having fun. It's time to laugh and get into trouble. And already Little Donnie (not his real name) has shown a propensity for having fun when you are not supposed to and getting into trouble with his mouth.

For example:

Recently, two-and-a-half-year-old Little Donnie was promoted to a new area at daycare. A ball went over the five-foot fence surrounding the play area on his first day there. No problem! Little Donnie is an excellent climber and easily scaled the fence to retrieve the ball.

The daycare staff was not amused by this at all. They hauled Little Donnie into the director's office and sternly told him: "You can't do that!" Now, of course, we understand the context of this statement because we are adults. However, Little Donnie thought they were questioning his ability to climb the wall, so he explained to them in detail how to climb over a fence. Now, while I find that laugh-out-loud amusing, the daycare people thought he was being a smart-@$$ and got fizzed. So fizzed, that they called my daughter to report her son's terrible behavior and attitude. My daughter’s reaction? – “Meh” – because she is my daughter, and she understands her son.

It’s a good thing the daycare didn’t call me to complain about Little Donnie’s behavior because after realizing their error, I would have replied: For people who are supposed to be skilled in child care, you don’t communicate with little kids too well, do ya?” And it’s comments just like that which resulted in me reporting to bosses like Mr. Dingleshitz for most of my career.

So, after spending time with my grandson, I realized that I cracked those jokes and mouthed off because that's how I'm wired. It's not an excuse, but I was born this way, and there is no way to change it.

I finally flourished at the final job of my career. And that's because the people there surely thought: Don is a goofball, doesn't take things seriously enough, and sometimes makes inappropriate jokes – but he is darn good at what he does. So we will laugh at him, laugh with him, and let Don be Don. I love these people!

Many of my colleagues over my career advanced further, got promotions, and made more money than I did, but nobody, and I mean nobody, had more fun than me. And because that's what I'm about, my business career was truly a success.

I get to work when the sun is bright

The boss man says, “When you gonna start acting right?”

Oh boss man dude, I’m not the usual one

And boys, they wanna have fun

Oh boys just wanna have fun

Men Have The Right To Whiz Standing Up

Earlier this year, a school district in New Hampshire banned the use of urinals as part of a new policy of locker room/bathroom use as a result of the gender-bender debate. The urinals were now considered so dangerous they immediately placed garbage bags over them to prevent their use. This fizzed everyone off, but unfortunately, they now had nowhere to go.  Once again, in the words of the legendary Dave Barry, I am not making this up! 

I am outraged by this action. Regardless of the more significant issues in this argument, I cannot sit still on this one. As a man, I must take a stand. And after I stand, I will whip out my wanker and take a whiz. Because it is a man’s duty to whiz standing up. It is an essential part of what makes us men. It is a fundamental man-right to whiz long, and whiz freely, while standing up.

I know this freedom, like others, is not explicitly mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. However, I assure you that if the British had forced the colonists to sit down to urinate, there would have been an 11^th Amendment stating:  A well-managed wanker, being necessary for a free flow of urine, the right of all men to whiz standing up, shall not be infringed.

Beyond this, it is a fundamental human right. Therefore, the decision should be appealed to the United Nations. Of course, this dignified body would form committees to study the impact of forcing men worldwide to whiz sitting down. They would eventually issue a 500-page report, including many anatomical diagrams.

Men have had the right to whiz standing up from the start of time. The Bible tells us that “God created them, male and female," with the male having a wanker designed for whizzing standing up. It has been that way since the beginning and must continue that way forever – thus sayeth me.

We, as men, should be willing to fight for the right to whiz standing up. We have nothing to offer than blood, toil, tears  …. and whiz – delivered standing up.

We shall whiz on the seas and the ocean

We shall whiz on the beaches

We shall whiz on the landing grounds

We shall whiz in the fields

We shall whiz on the streets

We shall whiz in the hills – all while standing up!

We shall never surrender …. by whizzing sitting down.

Now, if they succeed in forcing us to whiz sitting down, they will soon require that we wear dresses and drink Bud Light, so we must literally nip it in the Bud. We must stand up to this tyranny. Stand up, unzip our flies, and let loose with ramparts of whiz to declare our freedom!

At one of my former workplaces, the guys when excusing themselves, would proclaim “I need to go whiz excellence!" (From Talladega Nights) and upon returning, would boast, "I did indeed whiz excellence!” And you absolutely cannot whiz excellence if you are sitting down. 

However, I must admit that the floors in the men's room would be a whole lot cleaner if we did whiz while sitting. But that is not the point. So you guys, please improve your aim. It’s okay to look into the urinal if that prevents unleashing your torrent all over the floor. This is especially true for us older guys whose equipment may be in decline.

Fortunately, the students at the affected New Hampshire schools staged a protest, and the policy was reversed, and the urinals were freed from their captors. So cooler heads … er well, in this case, better functioning heads, prevailed. The protest was highly effective because the First Amendment guarantees freedom of expression. And the male students were prepared to express those rights, all over the school board members.