Men Have The Right To Whiz Standing Up

Earlier this year, a school district in New Hampshire banned the use of urinals as part of a new policy of locker room/bathroom use as a result of the gender-bender debate. The urinals were now considered so dangerous they immediately placed garbage bags over them to prevent their use. This fizzed everyone off, but unfortunately, they now had nowhere to go.  Once again, in the words of the legendary Dave Barry, I am not making this up! 

I am outraged by this action. Regardless of the more significant issues in this argument, I cannot sit still on this one. As a man, I must take a stand. And after I stand, I will whip out my wanker and take a whiz. Because it is a man’s duty to whiz standing up. It is an essential part of what makes us men. It is a fundamental man-right to whiz long, and whiz freely, while standing up.

I know this freedom, like others, is not explicitly mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. However, I assure you that if the British had forced the colonists to sit down to urinate, there would have been an 11^th Amendment stating:  A well-managed wanker, being necessary for a free flow of urine, the right of all men to whiz standing up, shall not be infringed.

Beyond this, it is a fundamental human right. Therefore, the decision should be appealed to the United Nations. Of course, this dignified body would form committees to study the impact of forcing men worldwide to whiz sitting down. They would eventually issue a 500-page report, including many anatomical diagrams.

Men have had the right to whiz standing up from the start of time. The Bible tells us that “God created them, male and female," with the male having a wanker designed for whizzing standing up. It has been that way since the beginning and must continue that way forever – thus sayeth me.

We, as men, should be willing to fight for the right to whiz standing up. We have nothing to offer than blood, toil, tears  …. and whiz – delivered standing up.

We shall whiz on the seas and the ocean

We shall whiz on the beaches

We shall whiz on the landing grounds

We shall whiz in the fields

We shall whiz on the streets

We shall whiz in the hills – all while standing up!

We shall never surrender …. by whizzing sitting down.

Now, if they succeed in forcing us to whiz sitting down, they will soon require that we wear dresses and drink Bud Light, so we must literally nip it in the Bud. We must stand up to this tyranny. Stand up, unzip our flies, and let loose with ramparts of whiz to declare our freedom!

At one of my former workplaces, the guys when excusing themselves, would proclaim “I need to go whiz excellence!" (From Talladega Nights) and upon returning, would boast, "I did indeed whiz excellence!” And you absolutely cannot whiz excellence if you are sitting down. 

However, I must admit that the floors in the men's room would be a whole lot cleaner if we did whiz while sitting. But that is not the point. So you guys, please improve your aim. It’s okay to look into the urinal if that prevents unleashing your torrent all over the floor. This is especially true for us older guys whose equipment may be in decline.

Fortunately, the students at the affected New Hampshire schools staged a protest, and the policy was reversed, and the urinals were freed from their captors. So cooler heads … er well, in this case, better functioning heads, prevailed. The protest was highly effective because the First Amendment guarantees freedom of expression. And the male students were prepared to express those rights, all over the school board members.