Wow – I Can Now Burn Bridges!

"Don't burn your bridges."

That’s an often-quoted rule of life. Of course, it’s not actually about igniting a steel bridge over a highway. The expression was derived from ancient armies burning the olden wooden bridges of yore. Supposedly, some marauding armies were so confident of their invincibility that they burned cities and everything around them. However, when these armies were forced to retreat quickly, they couldn’t cross the river because they had burned the bridges.

Yes, that was stupid, but these were warriors with elevated testosterone who loved to burn things. Apparently, these ill-advised bridge-burning incidents happened so frequently that the bridge-burning quote became an axiom that remains familiar to this day.  

Today, this adage warns that when you have been mistreated and are angry, don’t end a relationship, partnership, employment, agreement, contract, association, etc., by saying or doing anything that will fizz someone off and permanently end that relationship. Because in the future, you may need that person's help, relationship, money, employment, etc. It is wise advice that should be followed – up to a point. More on this later. 

 

You First Have To Learn

“Don’t burn your bridges” is a rule of life, but it doesn’t come naturally and, like most things, must be learned. When you are younger, you don’t hesitate to take a flamethrower to people who have wronged you. You are naïve and oblivious to the consequences, and there are so many bridges available to burn.

However, there comes that day when you must recross one of those burnt bridges, which costs you. Over time, perhaps in your 20s, the wise person learns not to do this. The fool may continue to burn bridges their entire life and wonder why things don’t turn out well for them.

Fortunately, I learned not to burn bridges while still in college. I had decided to leave a campus organization because of the horrid leadership, which caused unbearable working conditions. I left to join a competing organization that had formed due to the toxic conditions at the first place. While at the new organization, I wrote a satirical newspaper article that poked fun at the other organization.

Of course, the new organization folded after a few months, so the logical course of action was to return to the original organization because it would mutually benefit both parties. I requested a meeting to discuss my return. I expected the person (who people still refer to as an a$$hole 40+ years later) to chastise my behavior and possibly take minimal responsibility for what had transpired. I would then sincerely apologize for my actions, and we would shake hands, make up, and get on with life.

I enter his office, and he closes the door. I make some introductory positive comments. He quickly reaches into his desk drawer, grabs the article I had written, and begins to read it aloud angrily. With him still reading, I get up and leave, and I have never spoken to him since.

Now, he did want me back with his organization, but he made a big error because he expected me to beg for it. The problem is, I don’t beg. This is not a virtue, or even a macho thing. There are certain life skills you do not develop as an only child, and begging is one of them. Begging is even beneficial in certain circumstances, such as if someone sticks a gun to your head and wants you to beg for your life. If this ever happened to me, at my funeral, people would have asked, “I wonder why the guy shot Don in the head four times and let the other hostages go free?” Well, begging isn’t one of my skills, but sarcasm certainly is.

 

Then Things Change

Once you learn this lesson, typically by burning a bridge you later need, you go through the middle stages of your life, careful not to permanently damage these relationships. However, this is a tradeoff because nothing in this life comes without a price.

You want to burn a bridge because a person or organization has treated you so awfully over an extended period that you have anger built up that you so want to express when the relationship comes to an end. But you don’t in order to preserve that bridge.

This means you let people abuse you with no consequences. If you must return to that relationship, that abuse will undoubtedly resume. The price for not burning the bridge is taking a lot of $h!t from horrible, deranged people.

Life is one giant tradeoff. You are willing to maintain those bridges just in case, by accepting and not responding to bad behavior. Life is tough, isn't it?

Looking back at my life and career, there are times I should have pushed back hard at people for their unacceptable behavior towards me. Of course, now I know what few bridges were worth maintaining and which could have been burned without consequence.

 

And Now Things Change Again

Now that I am a M.O.A.C.A. (Man Of A Certain Age), my bridge-burning perspective has changed once again. Recently, an organization treated me horribly, which impacted not only me but also the group of fine people I have the privilege to lead. These bassturds expected me to just accept their $h!t and go away quietly, and that's precisely what I would have done even a few years ago.

 

So, how to respond today to this awful behavior? Ahh, there is a new perspective. I reasoned that I would never need this particular bridge again, and on the slight chance that I might, I just do not care. If this action costs me the rest of my life, that won’t be such a long time now. Once that calculation was clear, I grabbed that flame thrower I had not used since my younger days and torched that bridge into ashes. I consider it giving a lesson from an older, wiser man (A M.O.A.C.A.) to some clueless youngins’ who clearly don’t know the proper way to treat people. And it did feel good because M.O.A.C.A.s are more cranky – not grumpy - than in their younger days. I suppose there will be more bridge burning in the future. So be warned.

 

And when you are old enough not to care ….

 

I Shall Not Cross This Bridge Again

I shall not cross this bridge but once; any harm or evil thrown my way by any human being; let me not accept nor ignore it. Let me torch that plank to ashes, for I shall not cross this bridge again.