When it comes to having friendships, there are generally three personality types:
Friend - Adverse
These people have aggressive, gruff personalities. They tend to say what they feel and don’t care much what others think of them. As a result, they don’t have many friends, and they don’t care. They know the few good friends they do have, are loyal, and can be trusted.
Friend – Normal
The great majority of people fall into this category. They make friends based on shared interests. They have a manageable circle of friends. If there are conflicts with friends, they may naturally phase those out and concentrate on their healthy friendships. They have no issue swapping out old friends for new ones when those tired friendships have run their course.
Friend – Needy
These people seek to have as many friends as possible. They cast their net wide and want as many people as possible to like them. They will “friend” people on Facebook whom they don't know to boost their circle. It is psychologically painful for people in this group to lose a friend; therefore, they will usually do whatever is necessary to preserve the friendship. These people have an obsession with being liked and need constant positive affirmation gained from as many people as possible.
My Issues
I must confess that I fall into the Friend-Needy category. We all have different personality defects, and this is one of mine. I am devastated when a friendship ends. I have forgiven, accepted, and ignored terrible behavior in the past just to keep the friend. I have apologized when the other person was at fault, and did whatever it took to maintain that friendship. This means over the years, I have acquired several “high maintenance” friendships.
Time For A Change
Joining the M.O.A.C.A. (Man of a certain age) tribe has changed my perspective. Over the last few years, I have intentionally cut loose several people I once considered good friends. I concluded that the effort necessary to maintain these friendships was not worth the value of the friendships. In each case, there was a breaking point due to bad behavior on their part. If they had apologized, I would have accepted, and we would have gotten on with life. But there were no apologies, indicating these people saw no problem with treating me like sh!+. I simply didn’t want to be subject to such awful behavior again, so I won’t. I don’t hate these people, but I now consider them just acquaintances – not friends.
The Incidents
I will give generalized descriptions of these transgressions for comparison purposes in your life.
Unbeknownst to me, a friend was distraught over something I
did that I thought was a positive action. My simple question about the issue
resulted in the worst email I have ever received in my life, personal or
business. It was a rambling 800-word treatise about how awful I was to do this
and how much anguish it had caused her. The email was so caustic, attacking me personally
with vile comments. It was a huge, mega drama queen reaction, to such a minor issue.
I was angered and confused by this reaction. I resisted the
temptation to respond in kind. I could have ground her into dust (don’t ever
engage a writer with a temper in a written argument), which would have destroyed
the relationship forever and caused issues for me if she had complained to
people in our circle about how awful I had treated her. Life Lesson: If I
considered her behavior to be wrong, then reacting back with the same behavior
is just as wrong.
Ultimately, I decided she would never have sent me such a vicious email if I was truly her friend. In addition, I never want to receive such spiteful communication from her ever again – so, now the ties have been cut, and she is just an acquaintance.
Situation #2
As we frequently did, I had met a long-time friend to
engage in a recreational activity. Something disturbing had happened to me
earlier that day, and I almost canceled the meet-up. Still, I hoped that
engaging in the activity would provide a distraction from my aggravation. However,
the guy wanted to argue about politics as he frequently did. I never liked
these discussions but would try to deflect them as much as possible. That day, I
could not handle his harassment. He insisted on arguing, and I asked him three
times to stop, but he refused. As I walked away, he was still berating me. This
was basically bullying behavior.
When I told my wife what happened, she reminded me how much I had complained about the guy. Yes, he was high maintenance, and I had accommodated his bad behavior for some time. I expected him to apologize, but he never did. We have not spoken since.
Situation #3
A friend offered, unsolicited, to evaluate a project I was
doing. He has expertise in that area, so I welcomed his suggestions for
improvement. However, he sent me a blistering critique, with no helpful ideas.
If I were younger, and less discerning, I would have considered quitting the project
for good.
I speculate that the person had some built-up animosity towards me, jealousy perhaps, and saw this as an opportunity to blast me. I don’t need friends like that, so the ties have been cut, and he is a friend no more.
They’re mental – But I’m not their counselor
In all three cases, I believe the people are suffering from
some type of mental illness. Of course, while I would like to help them, I can’t.
It doesn’t work like this –
Me: Hey, I think you are batsh!+ crazy and
could really use some therapy for your wacked-out mind?
Them: Thanks, Don! I didn't know I had a problem,
and I will schedule a meeting with a psychologist tomorrow. You are such a good
friend.
Yes, I was their friend, but I’m not their counselor. I have cut them loose to spew their venom on other people, but they won’t be puking on me anymore.
The Friend Deception
As I wrote in my book, Deep Heavy Stuff: Not everyone you consider your friend is actually your friend. They are really only acquaintances. This means your circle of friends is much smaller than you think. The irony here is the Friend-Adverse and the Friend-Needy person actually have close to the same number of true friends, and the Friend-Adverse person has the advantage of knowing better who their real friends are.
It Took Too Long For Me To Get This
Only after becoming a M.O.A.C.A. did I learn that some
friendships take more effort than their worth and should be dissolved. Something
for you people of a younger age to consider when dealing with high-maintenance
friends.
