“No Bra Day” Needs Some Tweaking

A couple weeks ago I received a notice in my Facebook feed that October 13 was “National No Bra Day” (see graphic) to support breast cancer awareness.  This sounded like a very positive event that would help the cause and that both women and men would enjoy. However I quickly realized this was something I could not support at all.

You see October 13 was a Sunday, so the organizers were encouraging millions of women to go to church braless.  “Here’s the church, whoa, look at those steeples!” No,no,no,no,no, there is no good way to do this.  Wearing a bra on Sunday is as close to ceremonial religious garb as it gets for Christian women.  Think of it as a hijab for your breasts. 

Wearing a bra to church is very important and it is better if it is a “Baptist type” bra: full coverage, functional, plain and white.  It should not be padded and even if it is a house of miracles, no wonder bras. And no push up bras either.  There are many things that should be lifted up in church; voices, praises, hands, etc., but breasts are not one, er, two, of them.

On October 13 I kept a keen eye out for violators at my church (for religious purposes only) and I am pleased to report that I saw none.  I thought I had identified one, but it turned out she was just extra perky.  There was someone wearing very inappropriate clothing however.  It was some guy wearing a Pittsburgh Steeler jersey, which is a mortal sin in northeast Ohio, in any and all religions.

So you shouldn’t have this event on Sunday, but you can’t have it during the work week either.  Guys cannot concentrate on their jobs if there is excessive “boob distractions” in the office.  A female co-worker once asked me how much the guys watch woman at work.   I replied, “They know when you change your bra style”.  Trust me; productivity would come to a screeching halt if you had this event on a Tuesday.

To illustrate, years ago on a frigid February morning there was a meeting to discuss improving material flow in the warehouse.  Karen, who worked in the warehouse, attended the meeting.  Of course it was very cold in the warehouse and when she removed her jacket it was readily apparent just how nippy it was.  Her bra strained to control the situation but was woefully insufficient.   This was not Karen’s fault. Those babies were so cold that she kicked into engorge mode and they were hard, huge, and running wild.

In the presence of such nippilation, the meeting became an exercise in futility because every male brain immediately disengaged.

Meeting Leader: “So Bob, how would you improve things?”

Bob: “Abba, boba, waki, wiki, woo.”

“What do you think Al?”

Al: Be be be, be boopers, beep.

Finally the leader stumbled upon genius.

“What do you think Karen?

(All eyes turned to Karen, although no one was looking at her face)

“I think it would work better if we moved the supplies to the east side of the warehouse”, she said.

“Gee, that’s sure a swell idea Karen, said the meeting leader. “Does anyone have an objection to this?

No one could utter a sound; they were all still mesmerized by the condition of Karen’s chest.

Never before, and unfortunately never again, had Karen commanded such respect in a meeting.  She didn’t need Power Point to sell her idea, only power pointers.  However, if you asked the men what the most important thing they had learned in the meeting, the obvious answer was: Karen has some awesome nipples!

So if they repeat “No Bra Day” next year it needs some tweaking, and it should definitely be held on a Saturday.  And if my buxom next-door neighbor decides to wash her car that day, that is something I can really get behind. Er no, that something I can give my full support to.  Uh no, okay let’s just say it would be a good thing.

It turns out that “No Bra Day” might have just been a Facebook hoax since there were no stories about it afterwards in the media.  And unfortunately there were no photos posted on my Facebook feed (Margo, I am so disappointed).  Of course if it was a hoax, it was no doubt started by a guy. Be Boppers Beep, indeed.

Duck Dynasty Beards Make You Smarter

Duck Dynasty is the most popular “non-scripted” show on television.  Every week, millions of people tune in to watch the escapes of these self-proclaimed Louisiana rednecks.  Now I am a big fan of the show, but I have figured out the major reason for the show’s success: It’s all about the beards.

I know Duck Dynasty has many popular themes and characters, but if you took away the beards you would have no show.  If the characters looked like New York yuppies or clean-cut Mormons, no one would watch. But because these guys have such huge beards, people think everything they say is inherently wise.  How else do you get away with saying things such as?

“Them berries are the nectar of the earth. God put them here so we could have their juices. Their sweetness is unparalleled”.

Or

“Dealing with family is a lot like eating squirrel.  You end up getting very greasy, but in the end it is worth it”.

These beards also have mystical powers.  How else do you explain the many women who send fan mail and marriage proposals to Uncle Si?  This guy looks ragged, has poor eyesight and readily admits to having bad hygiene habits. You have to assume that at least some of his female fans have all their teeth and that a few are actually hot.

Uncle Si - Hot or not?

I think big beards are making a comeback because it makes men appear smarter than they actually are.  Remember the photos of the old scientists in your school textbooks.  You read that “Ivan Von Gorkney discovered the element Mahowidum” and you thought “Of course he did, look at the size of that beard! That guy is smart!”

And look what has happened since our Presidents stopped wearing beards.  Our last bearded leader was Benjamin Harrison in 1893.  He was no genius, but he probably was better than some of the clean-shaven goofs we have had recently.  However I do not recommend that President Obama grow a beard, because he could end up looking like one of those old communist guys and we would never want that!

I got to see the power of a big beard close up through my friend Shamus (this is the last time I let anyone choose their own pseudonym.  You are such a tool, Erin. Whoops!) Shamus took great care to grow his huge, bright-red, beard.  He used two different beard conditioners and a special shampoo to get the desired rich, fluffy, look.  I think his morning beard grooming was similar to the effort that Farah Fawcett put into her hair back in the 70’s.

Shamus works as a salesman and his power beard made him a dynamic sales superstar.  Customers always were glad to see him visit.  His company featured his face (and beard) in its print ads.  He and his beard were on fire.  His sales sky rocketed.  Shamus was by far the best salesman at the firm.  In addition, women would stop him at Wal-Mart and ask if they could touch and stroke his beard.  Many of these women had all their teeth and some were in fact, hot.

But then summer came and Shamus decided to shave the beard.  Suddenly his customers were too busy to see him.  His company decided to feature a ferret in its advertising instead of him.  His sales started to slide big time.  And women, including his wife, ignored him.  So of course he grew it back.  He told me, “The beard is back and it is angry”.  The beard is now so popular he is considering getting it its own Twitter feed: “Looking pretty good after the morning shower. Trim to follow”.

Because apparently beards make you appear smarter than you actually are, I decided I should change things up.  Many people do not fully appreciate the existential wisdom that is extruded from my vast cranium.  I believe that a beard might help people realize just how astute I really am. So I took some Rogaine, mixed it with some steroids, and then threw in some Viagra to promote length and started a diet of sea urchin and tree bark. This photo

Listen to this guy because he looks very wise!

shows the result. Now I’m looking pretty wise, don’t you think?

Joe’s Prostate Has A Problem

I was watching a very manly sporting event on my big screen when suddenly former NFL quarterback Joe Theismann appears with some extremely disturbing news.  Joe is very upset and seems to be in serious pain because of his prostate.  He then goes on to describe in excessive detail how his prostate has swelled to enormous proportions and the problems this is causing him.

When Theismann was quarterbacking the Redskins, he had a very athletic prostate.  It was type of prostate that would hang in the pocket and not get jittery, a prostate that could thread the needle and perform at a very high level.  But now his prostate is weaker, bloated and unpredictable, and prone to spraying errant passes all over the field.

And because Joe is concerned about his prostate, he thinks you should be very concerned about yours also.  If his NFL quality prostate has deteriorated this much, image what condition your fat, lazy, gland is in.  This did make me very concerned.  It also made me want to run to the bathroom because I had just finished a large birch beer.

But now Joe is smiling because his prostate is very happy.  He found these magic pills to shrink and control his prostate.  It turned his dominant alpha prostate into a passive super-beta prostate, that just sits quietly in the corner until you need it.  No need to see your doctor about the problem.  Who are you going to trust, some quacky geek or a pro quarterback? 

Joe's NFL caliber prostate in action

But I did feel very uncomfortable watching a former great athlete talk so vividly about a personal issue.  I want to remember Joe Theismann running for a key first down, not running for the first toilet he sees.

And Then It Happened Again

A few days later former gymnast Mary Lou Retton, the darling and gold-medal winner of the 1984 Olympics is on my television screen and she also has a problem.  It seems that all that stretching, pressing and doing power splits, have loosened up Mary Lou’s plumbing.  Her pipes have greatly widened with age and are now leaking.

This is very disappointing to all the men who were big fans of Mary Lou years ago.  She was the perfect female gymnast.  She was pretty, she spoke English, she was very flexible and she even had breasts!  Guys fanaticized about helping Mary Lou practice balancing on a beam, exercising on the floor and of course, nailing a dismount.

Fortunately Retton has found some super absorbent pads to help contain her problem.  She does seem happy with this solution, but I would still not attempt any vaults or splits without a cleaning crew standing by.

Did this cause the problem?

Retton is still very attractive, but I don’t need to know about her personal issues.  It is a real turn-off.  I want to remember her for scoring a “10” on the floor exercise not doing “number one” all over the carpet. 

And Then It Got Worse

I already thought this trend was out of control when Tony Siragusa interrupts my T.V. show.  Siragusa was an NFL lineman for 12 seasons and was the epitome of masculine machismo.  He was a hulking, strong, giant of a man.  But now, he also has a personal problem.  He is committing what amounts to illegal procedure in his underwear.  His solution is to wear inserts, a partial diaper if you will.  Sirugusa used to be one of the best guards in football, but now he is putting guards in his underpants.

I want to remember Siragusa as a tough guy who breaks through the opponents shield to sack the quarterback, not some guy who has to carry a sack of soiled shields out to the trash.  And the worst thing about this is: HE IS NINE YEARS YOUNGER THAN I AM! 

Siragusa

I am not making fun of these medical conditions, which are very serious and that afflict many people, including my friends.  What bothers me is that my former sports heroes are revealing very personal issues that I don’t need, nor want, to know.  This is way too much information for me.  This is making me so upset that I am close to p*$$*ng my pants, ah, uh wait, what were those things called again, Siragusa? 

These Butts Are Big - And I Cannot Lie

Ever since the rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot sang “I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie”, in the song “Baby Got Back”, many women have desired to have delicious derrieres like the ones featured in that music video.  Unfortunately this trend has led to the emergence of a black market butt enhancement surgery. (I learned about this alarming practice in a recent newspaper article.  Incredibly, I am not making this up!)

Legitimate butt enhancement surgery performed by a doctor costs around $4,500, but the black market variety, usually performed in someone’s garage is a “bargain” at $2,100.  I don’t know which is worse, paying two grand to let a non-doctor perform a medical procedure on you in their home or actually charging money and performing this surgery using industrial tools.

The article said women are willing to undergo the black market surgery to look better in bikinis, fill out their jeans and most importantly, to get gigs performing in rap videos.  I know this seems ludicrous to many women who desire a smaller rump, not a bigger one.   This surgery is desired primarily by younger women because, of course, the size of a woman’s posterior can expand to enormous proportions as she ages.  It is therefore very dangerous to accelerate this expansion.

Too much of a good thing?

I am not opposed to women having cosmetic surgery if the conditions are right and they have the cash, but I don’t think this is the best option for most women.  And it is not necessary for filling out your jeans since there are inserts, rump falsies if you will, that can do that for much less money.  Of all the cosmetic surgeries a woman could have, butt enhancement surgery would seem to provide the least bang for the buck.  Er, let met rephrase that.  On second thought, no, that statement is fine as is.  Although I know Sir Mix-A-Lot would disagree and he cannot lie.

The only two positive things you can say about the back-alley butt surgeons are that they are both entrepreneurs and innovators.  They did not try to emulate legitimate butt enhancement surgery which consists of inserting an implant in each cheek.  No, they developed their own method.  This consists of making an incision, inserting a tube under the skin, and then using an air compressor to pump industrial-grade silicone into each buttock.  The incision is then sealed using cotton balls and super glue. (According to the article).

So while a doctor purchases his equipment and supplies from a medical supply firm, the illegal operators buy their stuff at the Home Depot.

Clerk: Wow, another 55-gallon drum of industrial silicone.  Are you a contractor?

Buttman:  Er, yeah.  That’s it, I’m a contractor.

Clerk: What type?

Buttman: Um, let’s just say I specialize in improving back doors and back porches.

This silicone injection method actually works – for a while.  Over time the silicone begins to set up and the “patient” literally becomes a hard ass.  Very unfortunately the silicone is extremely difficult to remove and complications can result serious illness and even death. (She wanted an ass to die for and she did).

But apparently some women are willing to take this risk to achieve their goal of being “rump shakers” in the next big music video.  It does have to be very traumatic for these women to be auditioning for a video and hearing the director shout:

“Stop! Okay, third bitch from the left.  Get your bony ass out of here! Put on your skinny jeans and go home!   

  

And it is very rare to have a rump awesome enough to be in a music video.  As research for this post I streamed “Baby Got Back” to my 60” HD TV and after viewing it I can honestly say: “I fear big butts and I cannot lie”.

This pirate needs more booty!

However I do have compassion for these women, so I have established the charitable organization “Booty For Booties” to raise money so that woman with malnourished asses can receive legitimate butt enhancement surgery performed by a medical doctor.  This will allow these formerly flat-cheeked ladies to pursue their hopes and dreams of being big-butted, music video stars. 

Dr. Oz Is Full Of It

One of the biggest blowhards around today is this guy, Dr. Oz.  Dr. Oz is a medical doctor who apparently is smarter than any doctor that has ever lived.  He is also smarter than all the doctors alive today put together.  Dr. Oz gives advice on any and all medical and health issues and it is all absolutely, positively, completely, accurate!  We know this because Oprah Winfrey says it is true.   And Oprah is the closest thing we have to a modern day Buddha (both in wisdom and weight).  Dr. Oz has so much great advice that he needs a television show, books and a web site, to be able to proclaim it all.

So it may come as a shock to millions of people around the world, but due to my exhaustive research and powers of deduction I have determined that: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

Here is my evidence:

-         Dr. Oz obviously is from the Land of Oz, which means his medical license is from Oz and this is one wacky place.  I suspect some weird medical experiments have been conducted in Oz.  Think about it. The Tin Man had his heart removed, but still was able to function.  The Scarecrow had his brain removed but was still able to speak.  The Cowardly Lion was a male beast, but lacked courage.  This probably meant they had removed his ozzies, for medical research.

This is why much of Dr. Oz’s advice sounds as if it came from monkeys flying out of his butt.  This stuff may work on munchkins, but not for real people in the real world.  Just as the Wonderful Wizard turned out not to be so wonderful, Dr. Oz will someday be exposed as a fraud.  Pay no attention to the man in the blue scrubs, because: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T! 

-         Dr. Oz recently wrote an article saying all the things your mother did to treat your childhood ailments were wrong and did not really help you at all.   So Dr. Oz thinks he knows more than my mom about basic medicine.   Really, really Dr. Oz?

Whenever I was sick or needed any treatment, my mom did just the right thing to make me feel better.  Mom told me I would get well and I always did.  So if Dr. Oz thinks he knows more than my mom about making boo-boos heal fast, then DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

-         Women listen and believe Dr. Oz because he is a good looking doctor.  Chicks dig doctors because they have loads of cash and it’s just a bonus if they are considered cute.

I first heard of Dr. Oz when my co-worker Shelia announced that she had gone orgasmic because of this “doctor” she watches on television.  I asked her if her husband was enjoying this and she said her husband was not doing this with her!  When I inquired further she told me it was all about orgasmically types of food.  I ended the conversation at this point because whatever she was doing with any cucumbers because of Dr. Oz should not be discussed at work.

Regardless, the choice of a healthcare professional should never be influenced by their appearance.  Of course an obvious exception is made for Swedish nurses, which I recommend be applied to my body whenever I get a headache.   So even though women love him: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

If all this isn’t bad enough, Dr. Oz always has that stupid smirk on his face.  It’s the type of smirk I have seen on upper management my entire business career.  The type of smirk that says: I'm peddling this huge crock of s**t and getting paid big bucks to do so.  In Dr. Oz’s case he is also making your woman go orgasmic in the process. 

So to review: Dr. Oz thinks he is brilliant.  Dr. Oz says lots of medical stuff.  But in reality: DR. OZ IS so, so, FULL OF S**T! 

The Sanibel Vacation Chronicles –Part 4 (the epilogue)

Vacation is an interesting word.  It means to vacate your current “residence” to temporarily escape to a better place. All other words from the same root: evacuate, vacant, eviction, have negative connotations, but vacation is one of the most wonderful words in the English language.  There is no word for “returning from vacation” because we do not assign words to concepts this and disgusting.

I really, really, needed this vacation.  I had let issues, problems and circumstances create an unhealthy amount of stress the last few months.  I actually experienced burnout about ten days before my vacation and just sort of drifted through the haze until departure day.

This vacation needed to be awesome and it was. It was one of my best vacations ever. It was a time of total relaxation when I did not think or worry about anything.  A friend once told me I think too much and she is so right.  So I shut down the think tank for a week and cleared out the gunk.

Meanwhile those issues, problems and circumstances didn’t go anywhere last week. No, they were still waiting for me upon my return.  But incredibly, even though I was not there to worry about them, my problems did not get any worse last week!  Yes the situations remain, but I am now recharged, refreshed and rejuvenated and in a much better condition to deal with them than just a week ago.

It will be a challenge to “re-engage” and actually care about things after escaping to “the island of no cares” (my new name for Sanibel) for a week.  I imagine Monday morning at work will be enough to slap me back into a “caring” reality.

The Best Thing I Saw On Vacation

No, it wasn’t the beach “bums”!  It was the awesome Sanibel sunrises.  People actually line the beach to view it.  It is beyond description. (See my daughter’s photo) It is so beautiful you have to be careful to occasionally glance away, because of course you are looking into the sun.  I actually gazed too long Tuesday morning and had some spots in my eyes for a few minutes.

The Thing I Won’t Miss

The sounds your rubber sandals make after they get wet.  I labeled these “the sandal farts”.

My Biggest Regret

I wore my new, orange, clam diggers to the beach, found a shovel and started digging for clams. Alas, I found no clams even though I was wearing the appropriate pants!  I thus had to pay for clams at the restaurant and those lazy bums didn’t even take them out of the shell for me! While digging for clams I noticed this woman watching me from behind.  After a few minutes I turned around and faced her.  She looked away suddenly, blushed, and then walked away. Why, I think she was staring at my bum!  She was a bum looker!  Okay, so she was a senior citizen.  At my age, I’ll take it.

My Biggest Surprise

I rented the 2014 Chevrolet Impala which recently won the “Best In Class Award” from Consumer Reports.  It is a tremendous ride.  I can not believe it is a Chevrolet!

Final Count From Sanibel Island – The Shelliest Beach in the U.S.A.:

Shells Collected: 0

Bums Looked At:  Okay, so I may have hit triple digits.  Next time I am going to take one of those hand-held counters.  I don’t think they make a “bum looking” app for a smart phone (but maybe they should).

I am happy to announce that I am working with Jimmy Buffet in writing the lyrics for his new, sure-to-be-a hit single, “I’m a Bum Looker”:

She raised up her bum

Then I spilled all my rum

And it carried on out to the sea

Yes, I’m just a bum looker

My eyes oh they took her ….

The Sanibel Vacation Chronicles - Part 3

The Water Is Super Fine

I finally entered the warm, sauna-like, waters of the Gulf.  This is actually part of the brain rejuvenation process because it involves immersing my just shaved head into the salt water.  This experience is exhilarating and painful at the same time, but it loosens up any remaining gunk left in my cranium.

My main challenge was to properly secure myself into my swimsuit because unlike Anthony Weiner, I don’t enjoy publically displaying my junk. This is especially true when “shrinkage” is involved.

The water felt so good I spent an extended time in the ocean.  Of course this gave me a prime position to “observe” the women gathering shells on the shoreline.  At one point the ladies ran back up the shore.  This alarmed me because I thought a shark had been spotted, which would have been really, really, bad considering my location.  However, the cause of the concern was a “Bum Looker Alert” which means a bum looker had been spotted in the vicinity.  I do believe this was a false alarm because I carefully peered over the entire area and saw no sign of the perpetrator.  

Vacation Reading List

I decided to read a fiction book this year on vacation.  This is unusual because I do not enjoy reading fiction.  This is because I did some research a while ago and was able to determine that stuff written in fiction books is not true, in effect, it is actually false.  Apparently so called “fiction” writers can just make stuff up, total fabrications if you will, and people actually buy it.  Just like politicians!

The reason I choose fiction this year is that my childhood friend Tim Stutler just published his second novel, Hillari’s Head.  I just finished the book, but I can’t give you an accurate review. This is because I don’t read novels and thus I have nothing to compare it to.  However I will say this: I don’t like reading fiction, but I really enjoyed reading this book!  So I sense Hillari’s Head is a very good novel and you should read it if you like novels and especially if you enjoy courtroom drama.

Tim Stutler is an outstanding writer.  This means that although I am a good writer, I am not even the best writer in my high school graduating class!  Not bad for a city school.

I Shall Return

After my first two vacation chronicle posts, there were several reports on the Internet that I was having such a great time in Florida that I had decided to stay here permanently and was not returning to Ohio.  Those rumors are false.  Any thoughts of staying here were shattered when I found out the “modest” condo where I am staying has an asking price of around $600,000.  So yes I will be coming home.  But I am a bit concerned with the congratulatory, enthusiastic, e-mail I received from my boss after he heard the rumors that I would not be returning to Ohio.

Most Interesting Thing I Saw Today:

I enjoyed watching the pelicans eat breakfast near the shoreline at sunrise.