Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Man! I Feel Like A Hoser!

Man! I Feel Like a Hoser!

You Canadian women can rest easier since Jenna Talackova (the transgender beauty queen) did not win the Miss Canada beauty pageant.  It would have been embarrassing for you to be represented by someone who used to be named “Walter”.  But don’t rest too easy since Jenna did finish in the top 12.
And there is a possibility that Jenna did not get a fair evaluation.  Jenna wore a very revealing swimsuit that displayed Jenna’s total package, but the judges may have been distracted by making sure there wasn’t a surprise package.

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that in the talent segment Jenna performed the song “Man! I Feel Like A Woman”, made popular by fellow Canadian Shania Twain (who is all woman).  But Jenna did win Miss Congeniality (the truth).  Yes, it seems that Jenna was not catty, not jealous and did not “back bite” like the other women usually do in this contest.  No, Jenna did not act like the other women at all.  Hey wait a minute …. Foul! Foul, I say!  Canadians, you’ve been hosed! You’ve been hosed big time!

That Don’t Impress Me Much

Four people have died in a recent traffic jam.  But this wasn’t on the highway.  No, the traffic jam was for mountain climbers waiting to reach the peak of Mt. Everest.  The line to get to the top was so long that the four victims suffered from exhaustion due to altitude sickness and couldn’t make it back down the mountain (true). 
There is something very wrong with this.  I thought climbing to the top of Mt. Everest was supposed to be very challenging and reserved for a select few. But if there are these long lines, then it must not be so tough.  I was planning on traveling to the Himalayas myself this summer to climb the mountain.  But if there is going to be a long line, well forget that.  I’ll just go to Myrtle Beach instead.

You may laugh, but Myrtle Beach presents some very difficult challenges of its own.  For example, Myrtle Beach has some of the most difficult miniature golf courses in the world.  Many a tourist’s vacation has been ruined by the 15th hole at Runaway Bay.  The famous “Hansel and Gretel” hole is a tough par 3 that can really eat you up if you mess up your tee shot.  And another challenge is to time your arrival at the seafood buffet so you get there when the food is fresh, but before the line gets too long.

Help Stop This Fashion Tragedy

The photo above was taken at the recent meeting of world leaders in the U.S. and it is truly heartbreaking.  While the other world dignitaries are decked out in expensive suits, there is Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan in a some sort of shawl. Shawls for men went out of fashion around 300 years ago, but apparently some people don’t keep up on the fashion news.  You know the other leaders are making fun of him behind his back.  They may be bigwigs, but they are still guys and that is what guys do.  No wonder Hamid is so sadur when the other guys are having a great time.

Apparently the Afghans also don’t know about the modern invention of the button (at least 900 years old) since Hamid has to use both hands to keep his coat closed.  While technology has enabled the modern world to enjoy “hands-free” communication, the Afghans have not yet mastered the concept of hands-free clothing.  It’s very difficult to display that sharp, buttoned-down, look when you have no buttons!

This situation is so sad, but now there is hope.  Please join me in supporting the relief organization “Armanis for Afghanis”.  Please consider donating your new or gently-used business suits for this important cause.  The suits will be air-dropped to help the fashion-challenged Afghanis throughout the country.   

The hope is that when the Afghanis wear the business suits they will be motivated to then start businesses so that they have a good reason to wear the suits.  This will result in a rejuvenated, thriving, Afghan economy.  So please give today.  

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