Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Salmon - It's Not Just For Dinner Anymore

Last June, my blog post “Man Rules For Wearing Pink” was a shot heard round the men’s fashion world.  They noticed, oh yeah, they noticed.  I have not seen a single pink polo shirt in a sales flyer so far this year.  This post also established me as an authority on the subject.  It comes in Google searches on the subject and the guys at work look to me to settle disputes on whether certain clothes are “man acceptable” at our company.  So yes, I have become an authority on polo shirts. (I have authoritay and you must respect it).

However, recently my wife gave me several new polo shirts for my birthday.  The first two were very nice looking, but I was taken aback by the third one.  I held it out at a distance with a stunned look on my face.  There was total silence until my daughter blurted out: “Dad, it’s salmon.  It’s not pink, it’s salmon!”

I looked at my wife and said, “You know I can’t wear just any shirt.  I have an image to protect.”

“But it’s not pink”, she pleaded.  “There was a pink one, but I didn’t buy it!”

This situation was very important to me because I want to display the same integrity and consistency on this issue that both our candidates for president are displaying on political issues.  I do not want to be accused of flip-flopping while wearing fish-colored clothes.  I do not want to be a polo shirt hypocrite!

So what to do with this shirt? (Pictured here).  It is truly salmon, which is an odd mix of orange and pink.  One wonders if there was not a tasty fish to name the color after, if the color would exist at all.  It does have some white stripes, but the shirt is ultimately saved by the several very masculine black stripes.  So though it is not a very manly shirt, it is deemed “marginally acceptable”.  I do admit that it will be difficult to exude my normal level of machismo while wearing a shirt that is a color of a fish, but maybe I can just use an extra splash of Brute.  This may be the start of a fish-machismo fashion trend!

However, I would advise you single guys not to wear a salmon-colored shirt when cruising for chicks.  If you do, you may end up attracting the type of woman who will expect you to accompany her to the spa for a couple’s pedicure. You definitely don’t want to be that guy, so it is very important to wear your most manly shirts during those important excursions.  

You may think that I am over emphasizing these man fashion rules.  But men need clear rules to follow or they will make horrible clothing choices.  For example, consider what happened last month at the NCAA Basketball Championship Game.
Many people were outraged at the pop-rock group The Fray, for their rendition of the Star Spangled Banner prior to tip-off.  I was very outraged also, but it had nothing to do with the singing.  I was livid because The Fray’s lead singer, Isaac Slade, showed up for this big performance wearing orangish pants (see photo).

This is so wrong.  This is a very manly game in a very manly sport.  It is the big championship game which means the testosterone level at the arena and around the nation is at an extremely high level.  You don’t walk out into that atmosphere wearing orange pants!  Come on man. Man-up and man-up now. If the players are bringing their “A” game to the place, you need to be bringing your man-pants

1 comment:

  1. "A shirt that is the color of a fish"...

    Even worse than salmon would be rainbow trout? On the other hand, I think I would be quite comfortable wearing large mouth bass.