Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, April 30, 2012

World Peace Threatens the World Peace!

Everything in the world was going fine (okay if you ignore Syria, North Korea, Iran, Afghanistan and several other countries which are too difficult to spell) and then the unthinkable happened.

WORLD PEACE HAS ELBOWED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!

I am not making this up.  It is the absolute truth:

WORLD PEACE HAS ELBOWED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!

A bit of clarification is in order.  Before the pro basketball season began, Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers legally changed his name to “Metta World Peace”.  He did this either to promote love and harmony on the planet or because he is an attention whore.  He was having a very peaceful season until recently when during a game; he violently elbowed an opposing player in the head giving him a concussion. And therefore:

WORLD PEACE HAS ELBOWED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!

If you are going to carry the name of World Peace, your mission in life becomes to promote world peace everywhere and in everything you do.  And that includes when somebody tries to steal the basketball away from you.  If your name is World Peace, you absolutely cannot go around elbowing people in the head.

Because of this shocking incident, I believe there should be qualifications if you change your name to something of significance.  In this case, if you want the name “World Peace” you should have to prove you are fully committed to the cause.  That’s right; I would only give this name to a dope-smoking hippie. 

You would be required to have long hair, a headband and a beard.  But you would have to bathe at least once a week (difficult to promote World Peace is you smell offensive).  And you would have to pass a drug test.  Of course this drug test would be unique in that you would have to test positive for marijuana, the higher the content, the better.  This would prove you are a genuine hippie and it would also mean you are mellow enough to not elbow someone in the head.  And as you know this is important because:

WORLD PEACE HAS ELBOWED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!

I think as punishment World Peace should be forced to change his name to: “I Elbowed Someone in the Head”. This name would be more fitting and would serve as a deterrent in case you were tempted to elbow someone in the head.  This new name would be very cumbersome when filling out forms.  It would be awkward when introducing yourself to new people and it would be embarrassing when ordering pizza.

And he should be punished.  President Obama has worked very hard to establish world peace, except for in Syria, Iran, Afghanistan and those other unspellable places.  Now all this has all been ruined because:

WORLD PEACE HAS ELBOWED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!

What type of example do we set when we have World Peace getting all irritated and going off like a madman and elbowing someone in the head?  Do we really expect the tyrants in Darfur to respect us when we have this type of hijinks occurring? Come on America, we are so much better than that!

And now as a result of this incident something even worse has happened.  The NBA commissioner has suspended World Peace for seven games, which is about two weeks of time.  You read that correctly, please do not panic, but:

WORLD PEACE HAS BEEN SUSPENDED FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Now you know all types of hell are going to break loose around the world because of this.  We may not even have to wait for the Mayan calendar to expire before the apocalypse hits.

Because WORLD PEACE HAS ELBOWED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD, the following things have happened:

North Korea has threatened to give South Korea a noogie of “unprecedented and peculiar means”.

Iran is making plans to poke Israel in the eye.  

Even Switzerland is rumored to be considering kicking Austria square between the Alps

All this needless violence, just because:

WORLD PEACE HAS ELBOWED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!


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