In Part 1, my Internet was down as I started my work day
at my home office. This caused a series of unfortunate events. I detailed, by
the hour, my struggle to log on. Now in Part 2, I have just called my Internet
provider’s “customer service” for help.
The
following takes place between 11 a.m. and 12 p.m.
Customer Service: Hello, this is Katie. How may I help
you today?
Me: (In the most serious, Jack Bauer like voice I can
muster) Katie, I want you to listen very carefully because I’m only going to
say this once. The survival of my
workday is in serious danger. Unless you
can connect me to the Internet immediately, important spreadsheets will not be
created, essential documents will not be forwarded and critical reminder emails
will not be sent. Do I make myself clear?
Customer Service: I’m so sorry Mr. Ake. There has been a serious Internet outage and
we are doing everything we can to restore service.
Me: Listen Katie, unless you hook up my Internet right now,
I am going to have to break into your facility, get past your five security
systems, injure several of your guards and plug the Internet back in with my
bare hands. Do you understand?
 |
| Jack is upset because he has no Internet |
Customer Service:
Ha, ha, Mr. Ake. We should have
your service restored very soon. I will
make sure you get an automated call as soon as the problem is fixed.
I conclude Katie is a stupid bitch.
The
following takes place between 12 p.m. and 1 p.m.
I realize I may not get Internet at home today, so I call
my technologically-advanced friend Tim to find out the best place to go for
free Wi-Fi. He suggests BW-3s. While
this may appear legitimate, it is in effect a trap.
I would be at 3-Dubs and just logging in when I know Tim
would just conveniently show up and suggest I buy him some wings. This would be fine except that Tim can devour
an enormous amount of chicken wings. Of
course there would have to be mass quantities of beer consumed to put out the
fire from the wings. There would
probably be showing women’s sand volleyball so I would be distracted by women
shaking grains out of their cracks on the big screen in H.D. My waitress would probably be some young
buxom chic who would be all flirty-flirty because she wants what’s in my pants.
And that would be my wallet, where I keep her tip.
Yes, I would be able to log on, but my mission would be
compromised. I decide against it.
The
following takes place between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.
I leave for my lunch appointment. Glad to be out of the house and away from the
stress of not being able to connect to the Internet.
However, my associate doesn’t show up. He was either shot on his way there by a
Serbian assassin or he sent me an email cancelling the lunch meeting which I
didn’t get because I HAVE NO INTERNET! I
would have called his cell phone except I didn’t have his number because it was
in an e-mail that I couldn’t access because I have no #%&*@ing Internet.
The
following takes place between 2 p.m. and 3 p.m.
I return to my house and the light on the answering
machine is blinking. Maybe it is my Internet
provider telling me that service has been restored. With the anticipation of a young squire
receiving a message from his lover, I push the button. Hallelujah, the Internet has been restored.
I run up the stairs like the young squire being reunited
with said lover after an exasperating separation. Feeling rapturous, I click
the browser and, and, ……….. nothing. I still HAVE NO #$%!@#, NO #$@*&ING,
INTERNET.
The message said that you should call tech service if
your Internet wasn’t back up by now. I
call and am connected to a tech service representative named Kadeesh. Kadeesh is very enthusiastic, understandable
and polite, and we begin to tackle the issue.
First we reboot the modem. Click browser, fail. Then we
reboot the router, click browser, fail. Reboot both at the same time, and then
wait a minute. Click browser, fail.
Let’s shut down everything and then repeat everything again! Click,
fail. Click, fail. Click, click,click , FAIL, FAIL, FAIL, @&*!@$%^# FAIL!
We do this for nearly an hour. At some time during the process I started
singing to myself in order to preserve my sanity:
You
plug your modem in
You
plug your modem out
You
plug your modem in
And
you click it all about
You
do the netty getty
And
you turn yourself around
That’s
what it’s all about!
Just before our final attempt I think I hear Kadeesh
mumbling to himself, “Theese eese bad, very, very, bad. Please werk, please
werk.”
But it did not werk. Kadeesh is defeated. He apologizes for his failure and tranfers me
to Jim, the “Advanced Tech Service” agent.
The
following takes place between 3 p.m. and 4 p.m.
Agent Jim starts off by telling me to reboot the modem. I
have to keep from laughing. I know the
definition of insanity, but at this point I am already insane, so I
comply. Right now agent Jim is my best
bet to restore my Internet, so I don’t complain.
And Agent Jim is more advanced than Kadeesh. It took Kadeesh almost an hour to determine I
was screwed, Agent Jim was able to realize this must faster.
After only 15 minutes of playing the Netty-Getty, Agent
Jim (referring to the modem) declares, “Sometimes when you keep trying to turn her
on, she just freezes up and you end up getting nothing. Do you understand what I’m saying?” I tell Jim I have been married for a long
time and I understand completely.
Agent Jim says the modem needs replaced. I can either have a technician come out and
install it Monday afternoon (it is Thursday) or I can pick up the modem myself
at the service center six minutes away.
I don’t need the Internet’s help to make this decision.
I drive to the center, but I keep watch for Serbian assassins
who might be trying to prevent me from obtaining the new modem. The service center handles all issues for the
cable company, include billing issues.
The line is not long, but is moving slowly. I soon determine the
problem.
At one counter the guy keeps saying “But I don’t owe this”
to which the customer service rep keeps responding with “Yes you do”. At another counter a very elderly lady is
disputing her cable charge to which her rep replies, “But you haven’t had cable
service since 2011.” I would love to
know what she has been viewing on her television for the last three years, the
“Snow Channel" perhaps?
I am tempted to disarm and disable everyone in front of
me in order to get my modem. But I don’t, however I am still keeping a keen eye
out for Serbians. Maybe the old lady is actually an enemy agent providing a
diversion.
I finally work my
way up to the front of the line and get my modem. As I am walking out the door
I hear one last time: “But I don’t owe that”, “Yes you do”. I wonder how long
this will go on.
The
following takes place between 4 p.m. and 5 p.m.
I arrive home with the new modem, but I have not eaten anything
since breakfast. I am tired, weak, and
cranky. The work day is nearly
over. I still have no #*!@ing Internet,
but I am too tired to care. I eat two pieces of bread and collapse in defeat. I
have lost my work day.
 |
| These women tried to reboot me! |
The
following takes place between 5 p.m. and 6 p.m.
Two beautiful Serbian women agents break into my house,
have their way with me, and steal my modem. Oh sorry, that was just a dream.
The
following takes place between 6 p.m. and 7 p.m.
Dinner and some relaxation
The
following takes place between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m.
Hook the 30 wires up correctly and reboot the modem
and router. It works, sort of. Kadeesh would be proud of me. However, now the phone service doesn’t reboot
properly, requiring another 25-minute
call to tech service.
I retrieve my e-mails for the day including the one at
10:30 a.m. from my associate saying he was canceling the lunch meeting. I now have Internet, but I am exhausted. I will have to log on another day.
Epilogue: I found out from my friend Scott (after he
chastised me again for not having a smart phone) that the Internet actually
went down just before midnight. So it
wasn’t exactly 24 hours without the Internet (20 if you’re counting), but it
seemed like much longer than that.
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