Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Even Jack Bauer Couldn’t Restore My Internet (Log On Another Day, Part 2)

In Part 1, my Internet was down as I started my work day at my home office. This caused a series of unfortunate events. I detailed, by the hour, my struggle to log on. Now in Part 2, I have just called my Internet provider’s “customer service” for help.

The following takes place between 11 a.m. and 12 p.m.

Customer Service: Hello, this is Katie. How may I help you today?

Me: (In the most serious, Jack Bauer like voice I can muster) Katie, I want you to listen very carefully because I’m only going to say this once.  The survival of my workday is in serious danger.  Unless you can connect me to the Internet immediately, important spreadsheets will not be created, essential documents will not be forwarded and critical reminder emails will not be sent. Do I make myself clear?

Customer Service: I’m so sorry Mr. Ake.  There has been a serious Internet outage and we are doing everything we can to restore service.

Me: Listen Katie, unless you hook up my Internet right now, I am going to have to break into your facility, get past your five security systems, injure several of your guards and plug the Internet back in with my bare hands.  Do you understand? 
Jack is upset because he has no Internet

Customer Service:  Ha, ha, Mr. Ake.  We should have your service restored very soon.  I will make sure you get an automated call as soon as the problem is fixed.

I conclude Katie is a stupid bitch.

The following takes place between 12 p.m. and 1 p.m.

I realize I may not get Internet at home today, so I call my technologically-advanced friend Tim to find out the best place to go for free Wi-Fi.  He suggests BW-3s. While this may appear legitimate, it is in effect a trap. 

I would be at 3-Dubs and just logging in when I know Tim would just conveniently show up and suggest I buy him some wings.  This would be fine except that Tim can devour an enormous amount of chicken wings.  Of course there would have to be mass quantities of beer consumed to put out the fire from the wings.  There would probably be showing women’s sand volleyball so I would be distracted by women shaking grains out of their cracks on the big screen in H.D.  My waitress would probably be some young buxom chic who would be all flirty-flirty because she wants what’s in my pants. And that would be my wallet, where I keep her tip.  

Yes, I would be able to log on, but my mission would be compromised.  I decide against it.

The following takes place between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.

I leave for my lunch appointment.  Glad to be out of the house and away from the stress of not being able to connect to the Internet.

However, my associate doesn’t show up.  He was either shot on his way there by a Serbian assassin or he sent me an email cancelling the lunch meeting which I didn’t get because I HAVE NO INTERNET!  I would have called his cell phone except I didn’t have his number because it was in an e-mail that I couldn’t access because I have no #%&*@ing Internet.  

The following takes place between 2 p.m. and 3 p.m.

I return to my house and the light on the answering machine is blinking.  Maybe it is my Internet provider telling me that service has been restored.  With the anticipation of a young squire receiving a message from his lover, I push the button.  Hallelujah, the Internet has been restored.

I run up the stairs like the young squire being reunited with said lover after an exasperating separation. Feeling rapturous, I click the browser and, and, ……….. nothing. I still HAVE NO #$%!@#, NO #$@*&ING, INTERNET.

The message said that you should call tech service if your Internet wasn’t back up by now.  I call and am connected to a tech service representative named Kadeesh.  Kadeesh is very enthusiastic, understandable and polite, and we begin to tackle the issue.

First we reboot the modem. Click browser, fail. Then we reboot the router, click browser, fail. Reboot both at the same time, and then wait a minute. Click browser, fail.  Let’s shut down everything and then repeat everything again! Click, fail. Click, fail. Click, click,click , FAIL, FAIL, FAIL, @&*!@$%^# FAIL!

We do this for nearly an hour.  At some time during the process I started singing to myself in order to preserve my sanity:

You plug your modem in
You plug your modem out
You plug your modem in
And you click it all about
You do the netty getty
And you turn yourself around
That’s what it’s all about!

Just before our final attempt I think I hear Kadeesh mumbling to himself, “Theese eese bad, very, very, bad. Please werk, please werk.”

But it did not werk. Kadeesh is defeated.  He apologizes for his failure and tranfers me to Jim, the “Advanced Tech Service” agent.

The following takes place between 3 p.m. and 4 p.m.

Agent Jim starts off by telling me to reboot the modem. I have to keep from laughing.   I know the definition of insanity, but at this point I am already insane, so I comply.  Right now agent Jim is my best bet to restore my Internet, so I don’t complain.

And Agent Jim is more advanced than Kadeesh.  It took Kadeesh almost an hour to determine I was screwed, Agent Jim was able to realize this must faster.

After only 15 minutes of playing the Netty-Getty, Agent Jim (referring to the modem) declares, “Sometimes when you keep trying to turn her on, she just freezes up and you end up getting nothing.  Do you understand what I’m saying?”  I tell Jim I have been married for a long time and I understand completely.

Agent Jim says the modem needs replaced.  I can either have a technician come out and install it Monday afternoon (it is Thursday) or I can pick up the modem myself at the service center six minutes away.  I don’t need the Internet’s help to make this decision.

I drive to the center, but I keep watch for Serbian assassins who might be trying to prevent me from obtaining the new modem.  The service center handles all issues for the cable company, include billing issues.  The line is not long, but is moving slowly. I soon determine the problem.
At one counter the guy keeps saying “But I don’t owe this” to which the customer service rep keeps responding with “Yes you do”.  At another counter a very elderly lady is disputing her cable charge to which her rep replies, “But you haven’t had cable service since 2011.”    I would love to know what she has been viewing on her television for the last three years, the “Snow Channel" perhaps?

I am tempted to disarm and disable everyone in front of me in order to get my modem. But I don’t, however I am still keeping a keen eye out for Serbians. Maybe the old lady is actually an enemy agent providing a diversion. 

 I finally work my way up to the front of the line and get my modem. As I am walking out the door I hear one last time: “But I don’t owe that”, “Yes you do”. I wonder how long this will go on.

The following takes place between 4 p.m. and 5 p.m.

I arrive home with the new modem, but I have not eaten anything since breakfast.  I am tired, weak, and cranky.  The work day is nearly over.  I still have no #*!@ing Internet, but I am too tired to care. I eat two pieces of bread and collapse in defeat. I have lost my work day.
These women tried to reboot me!

The following takes place between 5 p.m. and 6 p.m.

Two beautiful Serbian women agents break into my house, have their way with me, and steal my modem. Oh sorry, that was just a dream. 

The following takes place between 6 p.m. and 7 p.m.

Dinner and some relaxation

The following takes place between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m.

Hook the 30 wires up correctly and reboot the modem and router.  It works, sort of.  Kadeesh would be proud of me.  However, now the phone service doesn’t reboot properly, requiring another 25-minute call to tech service.

I retrieve my e-mails for the day including the one at 10:30 a.m. from my associate saying he was canceling the lunch meeting.  I now have Internet, but I am exhausted.  I will have to log on another day.

Epilogue: I found out from my friend Scott (after he chastised me again for not having a smart phone) that the Internet actually went down just before midnight.  So it wasn’t exactly 24 hours without the Internet (20 if you’re counting), but it seemed like much longer than that. 

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