Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Log On Another Day (I Have No Internet – Part 1)

The following takes place between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m.

I am up at my work computer earlier than usual.  I have much to do and a lunch meeting planned, so I want to get a fast start on the workday. I click the browser to open my e-mail program and … nothing.  I move across my home office to my personal computer and click that e-mail program and …. nothing.

Okay the Internet is down, minor inconvenience.  It usually only stays down 15 minutes max.  I’ll just do some other stuff and come back later.

The following takes place between 7 a.m. and 8 a.m.

Ate breakfast, read newspaper, productive meeting in the executive bathroom. 

This is the first time the Internet has gone down in the seven months I have been working at home.  My computer, I-Pad and business phone are all dependent on the Internet. I realize there is a serious problem if the Internet stays down for an extended time.

The following takes place between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m.

I return to the office, attempt to log on, … nothing.  Click the second browser on the work computer, … nothing. Spin back to the home computer, browser one, browser two, e-mail program – ….. nothing. 

Reboot work computer, reboot home computer, (rinse, repeat) fail, fail, fail, fail, fail.

Must have Internet, want Internet, need me some Internet, please give me Internet!

Text my boss to let him know that I do not have Internet; therefore I will be totally worthless until I do.

I then realize that when I am at work, the Internet gives me purpose. The Internet gives me power. The Internet sustains me. The Internet gives me pleasure.  In other words, from a business perspective the Internet is my god.

What it feels like to have no Internet!
Obviously the Internet was angry with me for that “funny” post about how nice it was to go without the Internet for three days.  And now the Internet is punishing me.  As my friend Paul would say, I am the Internet’s bitch. 

The following takes place between 9 a.m. and 10 a.m.

Time to try to log on again.  Work computer – no. Home computer – no. Reboot, retry, click, click, click, click, and click.  …… rejection.

Realize that I can start a writing assignment that does not require the Internet and begin typing, but I find it impossible to concentrate because I keep thing about not having the Internet.

Me need Internet. When will Internet be back?  Me miss you Internet, please come back.

There are old girlfriends that did not cause me this much anguish (are you reading this Cindy?)

I really needed the Internet now, so I devised a plan.  Maybe I could hack into a neighbor’s wireless network?  I look at the available networks. Unfortunately most of my neighbors’ networks are off, except for the older lady two doors up the street.  I know it is hers by using my espionage training.  The network is named “Catlady” and that woman owns several cats.

I know this is wrong, but this is a desperate situation.  I’m not really stealing the Internet, I’m just borrowing it.  And can you really steal it?  I bet this is how Edwin Snowden got started.  One day he hacked into his neighbor’s wireless network and the next day he was hacking secrets from the U.S. government.  But some people consider it him a hero, so if I can just figure out her password … 

Get your hands off my Internet!
I try every version of cat-related phrase that I can think of, even some that would be censored in a James Bond movie.  In this battle of Internet security, I have been defeated by the woman and her cats.  The old bitch has bested me.  And I still have no Internet.

                                                       The following takes place between 10 a.m. and 11 a.m.

Ah, the chance to actually do some productive work.  There is a “Go to Meeting” scheduled to discuss graphs for an important presentation.  I can call in using my cell phone and participate.

Boss: Let’s look at the two graphs under consideration; I’ll just bring them up on the screen.  As you can all see, except for Don who has no Internet, Jon’s graph looks so much better than Don’s graph so I think the choice is clear.

But Jon does terrible graphs. He uses pie graphs when he should be using bar graphs, and his choice of colors is horrendous. He is the worst graph maker in the history of PowerPoint.   

Me: But I don’t think Jon’s graph is very good. I think mine is much better.

Boss: Can you tell me exactly what is wrong with Jon’s graph?  I mean that is a very impressive pie graph and his use of those unique colors is sharp.

Me: Ah, eh, uh, uh ….

Boss: Great, then it’s settled.  We will go with Jon’s graph and totally scrap Don’s graph.  And Don, you should look into getting that Internet fixed.  You are losing valuable work time.

But I spent a lot of time on that graph.  I could fix it. I know I could. I just would need to use the … the …Internet, but I have no Internet. My Internet is down.

Click, click, click, …. Fail


The following takes place between 11 a.m. and 12 a.m.

I do what any man would do in this crisis situation, I complain to my wife.  She suggests that I call the service provider.  It seems pointless, but I have nothing else to do – BECAUSE I HAVE NO INTERNET.  I’ll just look up their number on the Int….  I’ll just look up their number in the freaking phone book the way cavemen used to do it.  But we have rearranged the kitchen and I can’t find the phonebook anywhere so I have to text my wife to get the number.

I call the service provider and get to listen to a commercial about “great new channel options”.  I don’t care about any cable channels; I only care about the Internet because I HAVE NO INTERNET!  I make it through all the menu options and then this:

“There is a major service outage in your area ….”

No $h!t Sherlock, I haven’t had Internet for over five hours!

“Press 1, if you are screwed”
“Press 2, if you are very screwed”
“Press 3, if you are so screwed, you can’t see straight”
“You can try pressing 4 through 9, but after you do, you will still be so screwed”
“Or press “0” if you would like to speak to a representative.

You bet I press “0”, because I have no &#$!*ing Internet!

(To be continued)

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