Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, October 3, 2016

I Will Not Duck This 2016 Presidential Endorsement

It’s time boys and girls to confirm what they taught us in school, about how great democracy truly is.  We have skillfully utilized our primary elections to provide two outstanding candidates for our voting enjoyment.  HA, HA, HA, HA -  and that laughter is coming from Karl Marx’s grave – you silly proletarians you.

The Republicans who offered up a big Richie Rich-type failure four years ago, decided to nominate someone this time who is even richer – a richer Richie Rich.  This guy often blurts stuff out without thinking and then spends the next week trying to explain what he said. He also has the worst hair since Martin Van Buren.  The Democrats have countered by nominating a sickly, Richard Nixon in a pantsuit. HA, HA, HA, HA!  Shut up Karl! Shut your commie pie hole, right now!

People are very upset at the establishment and the elites this election cycle and I can see why.  You may get to vote, but then these high-falutin’ graduates of that extremely elite school, The Electoral College, actually get to pick whomever they want for president!  The school doesn’t even have a football team.  That’s right, your president gets selected by people whose college has no sports teams and no cheerleaders. This is just wrong.

But it is important to vote.  Because if you don’t and the other candidate is elected, there will be a huge disaster!  There will be plagues, an economic collapse, inter-species marriages, space aliens nominated to the Supreme Court, fire from heaven, tremendous destruction and a massive outbreak of the heebee jeebees. And this is just on the Wednesday after the election.  After that, it gets really bad.  – Or not, since Congress can still block heebee jeebee causing actions.

By far, the biggest reason to vote is so you have the right to bitch for four years if your candidate loses.  You can say “If only Ray had been elected, he would be making tremendous decisions and governing perfectly, not like the current douche-bag.  This right is given to us in Amendment 1-B, the right to bitchy-like speech. 

Well I know all my readers greatly respect my keen insight and expert analysis on all things political, therefore I am going to make my much anticipated presidential endorsement.

The most important thing is that we have the opportunity to elect a trailblazer, someone who is the first person of their type to reach the White House.  Electing someone as president due to being the “first” instead of those stupid, over-rated, “presidential qualifications”, makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  And people, that’s what’s truly most important here, how you feel about your president – not what they actually do.

Just think, last time we did elect a “first” type of president, who was able to heal the  divisiveness in this country by his mere presence.  We have blended together  into one huge, sweet, Milky Way bar and now you never hear of any disharmony or conflict at all.

And now once again we have the opportunity to put a new “first” in the White House.  You know it’s time, people.  This group has been downtrodden, discriminated against, held back, ridiculed, disparaged.  We should all feel a tremendous amount of shame that it has taken this long for a person to be considered for this honored position.  Now this group stands on the edge of greatness and it is our honor, our responsibility, and our duty, to elect one of them as President of these great United States.

This is a cause that I support 100%, I am convicted to the core of my very soul.  It is time to stop holding these people back!  I wholehearted support these people, because I personally have experienced the utter pain and humiliation they have suffered.  These people happen to be my people, and that is why we need to elect someone named “Donald” as President of the United States of America!

Of course this is very personal for me.  This is my name and these are truly my people.  We have been persecuted and discriminated against for too long.  Up to now, our most prominent standard bearer has been a duck.  A moronic duck, with a bizarre voice and no pants - and I emphasize, no pants.
I am not a duck!

There has never been a president named Donald.  We had had a Zachary, Millard, Ulysses, Chester, Grover and Rutherford.  That’s right a Rutherford. Rutherford B. Hayes (why the hell is the “B” even necessary, if your name is Rutherford?) and he was a bad president, very, very bad. Just awful, a total loser.

If you have followed this campaign, you may think that all men named Donald are egotistical, blowhard, maniacs, who make outrageous statements that offend and hurt people.  However, readers of my blog know that there is nothing further from the tr…. Okay, um, bad example. All right, maybe the worst example ever.

And I will admit that over my business career at several companies, that the Donalds who I have worked with have been some of the biggest idiot, arrogant, a$$holes that I have ever encountered.  You may think that I exaggerate, but I know my former co-workers at these companies would wholeheartedly agree with that statement.  But please just ignore that.

You may vote on the basis of a candidate’s geopolitical strategy or their microeconomic plan, but that is way too confusing for me.  This time, I’m only voting for a name – the first name, and this reason trumps all others. 

And if you criticize me for my choice, you are a name bigot. You are a deplorable namist and are discriminating against Donalds everywhere, including little children named Donald in third-world countries. You horrible, piece of slime, you.

So this election, I am endorsing Donald for President of the United States and voting a straight Donald ticket.

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