Hello, my name is Don, and I’m a smirker. I guess I smirk a
lot.
Because it’s a personal trait I never really saw it a
negative. But when I looked up the definition it said “smiling in an
irritatingly smug, conceited or mockingly way. Other words used were: offensive,
self-satisfied, insolent, scornful, contemptuous, affected, and “offensive
smugness”.
I have to say that I disagree with all five dictionary
sites I saw. I mean “smug”? I think being an author of two books, that I might
know more than these hacks about what a smirk is. And “conceited”? C’mon, would people love me
as much as they do if that was true? Ha!
I will admit that my favorite TV character, Raymond
Reddington (of the Blacklist, played by actor James Spader) smirks a lot.
Interestingly enough, all those adjectives listed above apply to Reddington,
they just somehow don’t apply to me at all.
I only smirk when I think someone is full of bullshirt. However,
I tend to think everyone is full of bullshirt. Except me, of course. But that
doesn’t make me conceited, it just makes me exceptional. Giving a smirk is much
more polite, and safer, than saying “You are totally full of $h!+!”. Especially when you are at the office.
And I don’t rely on just one smirk. Friends get a friendly
smirk. If I don’t know you, you get a neutral smirk and if I don’t like you,
you get a derisive smirk. Okay, maybe
that “scornful” definition could be true.
But there are people who believe I smirk an excessive
amount. After I posted a photo from a trade journal on social media, complaining
that they had caught me in “mid-smirk” (can you even believe I was smirking
when they took the shot?), a friend responded with this: “I feel like mid-smirk
is just a smoothing of your full range of expressions, which run from nascent
smirk to over-the-top smirk.” And this comment is from a friend! When your
friends are saying this type of thing, you certainly don’t want to know what
your detractors are thinking.
I like to think I can control myself from smirking at
inappropriate times. I do this by presenting a stoic, poker face. So if you
ever catch me showing no emotion whatsoever, rest assured I am smirking
fervently on the inside.
I once got into trouble years ago by smirking at work. The
boss called me into his office to chastise me for a report I had done, that
management didn’t agree with. He knew the report was true. I knew it was true,
but we had to go through this ritual so I would write more agreeable reports in
the future. But the best part of the conversation went like this:
Boss: And your numbers on Page 10 are all wrong.
Me: How are they wrong?
Boss: See this 97.2? You did it wrong. You can’t calculate it
that way. Your logic is way off. Here’s my calculator, I’ll show you.
Me: Okay
Boss: See you first take this number and you divide by this
one and then you multiple by 10% and then and only then, can you subtract this
number over here. So what’s the real value?
Me: Uh, 97.2 (I hand the calculator back to him so he can
see)
Boss: Well, uh, er, ah – How’d you do that?
(The real answer is “math” but I couldn’t say it, so I just
smirked broadly)
Boss: Stop smirking!
Me: (Poker face)
But this post is not about me. It is about a recent, ugly,
incident in which a teenager, confronted by a stranger banging a drum in his
face, chose not to respond with words or physical confrontation, but to smirk.
Because he smirked, he was savagely condemned on the Internet and even received
death threats. Well let me remind you that this is America, where smirking is
protected by the Constitution and by the republic for it which it stands. I may
not agree with your smirk, but I’ll defend to the dea,… well, to the point it
becomes somewhat uncomfortable, your right to smirk it. This was an I am Smirkitus moment. And I am
proud to smirk with the smirkers! And if you disagree with this, well, well,
(You know what I’m doing right now).
And I
Stand With The Cows (Just not behind them)
Also recently, it has been proposed we eliminate cows
because the tremendous amount of methane gas they emit is damaging the planet.
This concept is totally demeaning and embarrassing to cows everywhere. They
can’t help it they fart, and fart a lot. They have four stomachs, they eat
grass, and it gestates in there for days. It’s not as if they can hold it in.
Cows have been farting ever since they were created and I believe they have the
God-given right to blast out methane wherever and whenever they choose. Heck
Yeh! I stand with the cows – just not behind them.
First
they came for the cows, because of their horrendous gas, and I did not speak
out – because I was not a cow.
Then
they came for the pigs, because of their atrocious emissions, and I did not
speak out – because I was not a pig.
Then
they came for the canines, because of their awful puppy gas, and I did not
speak out – because I was not a dog.
Then
they came for me – and there was no one left, brrraaapp, to speak for me.
lol, nicely done!
ReplyDeleteIndicently, the kid you mentioned said he chose to smile bc he was trying to diffuse a tense situation. I guess the smirk is in the eye of the beholder? :D