This Sport Won’t Curl Your Toes

Once you reach a certain age, you feel entitled—ah, enlightened—uh, justified… okay, you just don’t know when to keep your opinion to yourself. You start telling younger people when they’re wasting their lives.

Of course, I have never, ever done anything worthless and have lived a totally fulfilling, enriching life with no regrets whatsoever. That must be why, since retiring, I’ve felt the need to recommence teaching college classes, resume performing standup comedy, and continue writing and selling books—all at the same time—in an attempt to squeeze every last drop of enjoyment out of the remaining bits of life I have left. And how is the retirement‑induced joy going? I’ll let you know when I feel some.

Regardless, I know time‑wasting when I see it. And one of the worst examples of young people wasting their lives is the sport of curling. The Olympics have brought this ridiculous spectacle back into the public domain—and onto my big‑screen TV. Thank goodness this happens only once every four years. The only reason anyone, especially the participants, cares is that at the end of the competition, Olympic medals—some of them even gold—will be awarded.

But getting a gold medal for sweeping well is not as prestigious as other Olympic sports, and I’m sure the other athletes look down on the curlers. “I got my gold medal by risking my life ripping down the giant slalom. How did you get yours?” “Uh… I use a broom really well.”  

Curling has to be the lamest sport ever. It originated in 16th‑century Scotland, where people started sliding hunks of granite across the ice for fun. The game basically resembled shuffleboard on ice. Everything changed the day some idiot decided to take a broom, sweep the ice, and redirect the granite. This had to be a blatant violation of the existing rules, but soon everyone was sweeping the ice, and the modern game was born. It’s called curling because after you watch it for ten minutes, you want to curl up in a little ball and sleep until the brain-numbing match is over.

My wife has become a fan of the sport, so I’ve been “forced” to endure these matches if I’m parked in the living room at the time. How bad is it? I think women’s basketball or even chick soccer is more interesting. You can argue for the sport, but if it’s legitimate, why is it only on television every four years at the Olympics? Even horseshoes and cornhole appear more often on ESPN.

And yet, in this Olympics, the competitors are taking the sport more seriously than ever. A men’s match between Canada and Sweden ended with players swearing at each other—you don’t hear bilingual profanity very often. A Swedish player accused a Canadian player of “double‑touching” his stones, which I admit would upset me. I remember being accused of double-touching a cheerleader in high school. I was cleared when I claimed the contact was inadvertent due to the tuck rule. But come on! Getting that upset over a curling match? Guys, don’t get your brooms in an uproar. And you do realize that when you swear at a foreigner in your native tongue, they have no idea what you’re saying?

I have no idea how curling ever made it into the Olympics, and I think I have the perfect replacement. Roller derby on ice skates—Slider Derby—would be ten times more exciting to watch. I’m a big roller derby fan; who doesn’t enjoy ladies in tight pants and fishnets beating the heck out of each other? It would be way wilder than roller derby—once you throw sharp blades and the possibility of blood into the mix, the whole thing suddenly feels riskier, faster, and more chaotic in the best way. And let’s face it—the Olympics could use more fishnets to go along with those slinky figure‑skating outfits.

I was, however, impressed by how the women curlers handle those brooms. Their sweeping ability is tremendous. So, single guys, the hot curlers in this Olympiad are worth pursuing. When I asked ChatGPT who the hottest curler was, it said beauty is subjective and accused me of being a sexist pig—ha! Artificial intelligence can be so wrong. It still wouldn’t answer me when I asked which curler had the biggest rocks.

A woman’s ability to use a broom is an underrated skill. Therefore, I would consider Selina from the Swiss team to be a superior catch to Sydney Sweeney. While Sydney might be superior in the boudoir, Selina can do it there, in the kitchen, in the living room, the bathroom, the hallway, and even the garage. By “doing it,” I mean sweeping it sparkling clean. Exceptionally clean—spotless even. As the curling commentators said, even a piece of lint could cause a problem when sweeping the sheet. And let’s face it, these ladies are experts in handling and positioning of stones—’nuf said.

Fortunately, all this mad sweeping has come to an end, and the Good Housekeeping Awards have been granted. Now we don’t have to pretend to be interested in curling until the next Olympiad and can return to being bored by watching NBA basketball—oh look, another long 3-point attempt.