Ladies – That’s No Bonus Hole!

I never, ever thought that I would write a blog post about that private part of a woman, her, uh, that uh,  -- well, I am so uncomfortable with the subject that I will call it the V-word, which is much more tasteful, uh, refined than the C-word or the P-word. My aim here is to write a funny, yet classy – okay, as classy as I can get, commentary on this most sensitive, heh heh, subject.

Bloggers Note: If you are easily offended by a traditional view of biology, please stop reading now, or your head will explode later. – Emergency rooms nationwide tend to get upset when I don't include this disclaimer.

Mass Confusion?

We have known what a woman is since the beginning of time. But suddenly, in 2023, we seem to have forgotten. Some of our supposedly wisest people become bugged-eyed and speechless when asked to define a woman.

Because most of us common folk slept through Biology class, we tend not to refer to the XX chromosomes when answering that question. We tend to point to, well not literally, well anymore, the possession of a V-word to define a woman and as a way to differentiate the sexes.

Guys do that because we surely didn’t sleep through Sex-Ed class. There, they showed us a diagram with arrows pointing toward the Netherlands. They never actually showed us a picture of Amsterdam but assured us we would recognize it when we got there. The cruel part is they never instructed us on how to get to Amsterdam because they did not want us running out of the classroom and trying to breach the city walls. Crueler yet, at the same time, the girls were being taught that if a boy got to the Netherlands, they should close the city gate and deny entry, lest the world's population grow uncontrollably.

So even though we were exposed to the V-word, guys preferred using the P-word, because getting some P-word sounds much more exciting than getting some V-word. However, if a girl broke up with us, we called her the C-word because we would not be getting any more P-word.

 

A New Modern Term

But now, in our gender-bender world, there is a new term for that thing: Bonus Hole - and in the spirit of Dave Barry – unfortunately, I am not making this up. The expression was coined a few years ago but has gained traction lately, especially in the U.K. 

I wonder why we need a new word for the V-word when so many others exist, including several P-words. But here is my best guess:

Vern so much wants to be one of the girls, but he doesn’t have a V-word like the other ladies. This makes Vern sad, especially when the women talk about their V-words.

But now Vern, it's a Bonus Hole! You are just like all the other girls. It's just that they have an extra, unnecessary hole – the Bonus Hole! It's just a hole, Vern – a stupid hole. This makes Vern happy – but now complicates that suddenly tricky definition of a woman.

Poking a Hole in the Logic

I learned about this new moniker from a commentary written by a fizzed-off British woman entitled: My vagina is not a 'bonus hole.' In which she eloquently defends her, uh, womanhood – uh V-word. Her conviction about her V-word aroused me – in a purely journalistic fashion. I agree with all her female-based arguments, but I will add some of my own.

Technically, it is not a "bonus hole." Men and women have the same number of holes. The holes are roughly the same size and location except for the female hole in question and the corresponding male hole. The male hole has to be smaller for reproductive purposes than the female hole. Even holes the same size would present problems. Females cannot have a bonus opening if the total number of holes is the same. (Note: If you doubt this and try to count the holes on someone of the opposite sex, it helps if you know them very well).

Secondarily, the term Bonus Hole is blatantly sexist, and now take a moment to consider the source of that statement. If men start viewing the V-word as a Bonus Hole, they will look at it as a mere prize to be obtained. Yes, a prize they have earned as a reward for good behavior! Men will connive and try anything just to get that "bonus." They will lie and make women ridiculous promises just to gain access to that hole. They will focus intently on the Bonus Holes, ignoring all other aspects of womanhood, and lose respect for the total woman. The V-word will be reduced to just a piece of P-word. And it would be horrible if that ever happened. Uh, well, uh - let’s forget I ever made that argument.

Similarly, suppose women look at their V-word as a Bonus Hole. In that case, they will trade this bonus for affection, jewelry, cars, nice clothes etc. They will consider it a bargaining chip or “honey-trap” to get anything they desire. They may even use their Bonus Hole to snare a husband. They could even sell their bonus to men on the street. Once again, we would never, ever want to get to that place. Uh, well, er, why don't we forget this argument also?

Let’s Respect and Value the V-Word 

The V-word is one of the greatest wonders of this world. I speak of it not as a horny teenage boy but as an older man filled with many years of wisdom. The V-word is essential because what goes into it, and what ultimately comes out of it, is how our species thrives and survives.

The V-word is a natural marvel, so complex that you wonder how this thing could ever have "evolved." It must be tight enough to, to, create enough, uh – Let's just say it has to be tight – some would say the tighter the better. But then it must expand to incredible lengths to deliver the goods. After that, it must recover its tightness, but sadly not all of it, to repeat the process all over again.

So ladies, yes, be proud of your V-word, and don't let anyone call it a Bonus Hole! Say it loud, and say it proud! Okay, maybe not so loud. Be a believer in the actual V-word, as I am, just not in the particular blog post.

Boys Just Wanna Have Fun

When I started watching the business-based drama Succession, I immediately identified with the character of Roman Roy. While the other characters screamed and freaked out about business dealings and catastrophes, Roman was gratified by making smart-@$$ sarcastic comments and ridiculing everyone and everything.

I absolutely loved Roman. His sharp wit was outrageous. He was a guy who was not afraid to test the boundaries as he spoke hilarious truth to power. He could spot the ridiculous aspects of pompous business people and cut them down to size. He saw the humor in even the most serious business situations and verbalized it. He had a low tolerance for bull$h!t and called it out repeatedly.

And I identified with Roman because I did the same things my entire career. I cracked jokes during meetings. I made fun of bosses. I pointed out the absurdity of company motivational seminars and horse-$h!t  strategy. I was always joking and kidding people even during serious meetings. And I called out that bull$h!t. Sure, many of my comments were inappropriate, but I am still proud that I was never called into HR for anything I said. Of course, if I said those same things in today's hyper-sensitive environment, I would be fired. And by fired, I mean they would bound and gag me, take me behind the building, and burn me at the stake – maybe as part of the company fire extinguisher training! 

But then, as the television series progressed, I noticed that because of Roman's sarcastic attitude, he was not taken seriously when it came to important business matters. It was as if the other characters assumed that he couldn't have any corporate smarts because he was always cracking sarcastic jokes. And then the shovel smacked me in the face – I was watching a version of my own business career played out on my big-screen television.

My career was not a failure, but on paper, it appears, until my last position, that I failed to reach my business potential. Throughout my career, I was not given the opportunity to advance, and many of my best ideas were ignored. I was promoted only once and managed just four employees total – and one of them hated me. To be fair, she hated everyone, including herself, but my final resume screams underachievement.

Now I had other things working against me. Still, by watching Succession, I came to the conclusion that my career growth was hindered by my sarcastic sense of humor. Naturally, I began to regret my actions. If only I could have kept my mouth shut. I should have concentrated on my career advancement instead of cracking all those funny jokes.

I was still feeling somewhat despondent about this until the next time I saw my grandson. He sees me and immediately gets that ornery look in his eye. I can instantly recognize that look because I have been making that face my entire life. I imagine his brain thinking: Hey, it's the big goofy kid who only cares about having fun. It's time to laugh and get into trouble. And already Little Donnie (not his real name) has shown a propensity for having fun when you are not supposed to and getting into trouble with his mouth.

For example:

Recently, two-and-a-half-year-old Little Donnie was promoted to a new area at daycare. A ball went over the five-foot fence surrounding the play area on his first day there. No problem! Little Donnie is an excellent climber and easily scaled the fence to retrieve the ball.

The daycare staff was not amused by this at all. They hauled Little Donnie into the director's office and sternly told him: "You can't do that!" Now, of course, we understand the context of this statement because we are adults. However, Little Donnie thought they were questioning his ability to climb the wall, so he explained to them in detail how to climb over a fence. Now, while I find that laugh-out-loud amusing, the daycare people thought he was being a smart-@$$ and got fizzed. So fizzed, that they called my daughter to report her son's terrible behavior and attitude. My daughter’s reaction? – “Meh” – because she is my daughter, and she understands her son.

It’s a good thing the daycare didn’t call me to complain about Little Donnie’s behavior because after realizing their error, I would have replied: For people who are supposed to be skilled in child care, you don’t communicate with little kids too well, do ya?” And it’s comments just like that which resulted in me reporting to bosses like Mr. Dingleshitz for most of my career.

So, after spending time with my grandson, I realized that I cracked those jokes and mouthed off because that's how I'm wired. It's not an excuse, but I was born this way, and there is no way to change it.

I finally flourished at the final job of my career. And that's because the people there surely thought: Don is a goofball, doesn't take things seriously enough, and sometimes makes inappropriate jokes – but he is darn good at what he does. So we will laugh at him, laugh with him, and let Don be Don. I love these people!

Many of my colleagues over my career advanced further, got promotions, and made more money than I did, but nobody, and I mean nobody, had more fun than me. And because that's what I'm about, my business career was truly a success.

I get to work when the sun is bright

The boss man says, “When you gonna start acting right?”

Oh boss man dude, I’m not the usual one

And boys, they wanna have fun

Oh boys just wanna have fun

Men Have The Right To Whiz Standing Up

Earlier this year, a school district in New Hampshire banned the use of urinals as part of a new policy of locker room/bathroom use as a result of the gender-bender debate. The urinals were now considered so dangerous they immediately placed garbage bags over them to prevent their use. This fizzed everyone off, but unfortunately, they now had nowhere to go.  Once again, in the words of the legendary Dave Barry, I am not making this up! 

I am outraged by this action. Regardless of the more significant issues in this argument, I cannot sit still on this one. As a man, I must take a stand. And after I stand, I will whip out my wanker and take a whiz. Because it is a man’s duty to whiz standing up. It is an essential part of what makes us men. It is a fundamental man-right to whiz long, and whiz freely, while standing up.

I know this freedom, like others, is not explicitly mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. However, I assure you that if the British had forced the colonists to sit down to urinate, there would have been an 11^th Amendment stating:  A well-managed wanker, being necessary for a free flow of urine, the right of all men to whiz standing up, shall not be infringed.

Beyond this, it is a fundamental human right. Therefore, the decision should be appealed to the United Nations. Of course, this dignified body would form committees to study the impact of forcing men worldwide to whiz sitting down. They would eventually issue a 500-page report, including many anatomical diagrams.

Men have had the right to whiz standing up from the start of time. The Bible tells us that “God created them, male and female," with the male having a wanker designed for whizzing standing up. It has been that way since the beginning and must continue that way forever – thus sayeth me.

We, as men, should be willing to fight for the right to whiz standing up. We have nothing to offer than blood, toil, tears  …. and whiz – delivered standing up.

We shall whiz on the seas and the ocean

We shall whiz on the beaches

We shall whiz on the landing grounds

We shall whiz in the fields

We shall whiz on the streets

We shall whiz in the hills – all while standing up!

We shall never surrender …. by whizzing sitting down.

Now, if they succeed in forcing us to whiz sitting down, they will soon require that we wear dresses and drink Bud Light, so we must literally nip it in the Bud. We must stand up to this tyranny. Stand up, unzip our flies, and let loose with ramparts of whiz to declare our freedom!

At one of my former workplaces, the guys when excusing themselves, would proclaim “I need to go whiz excellence!" (From Talladega Nights) and upon returning, would boast, "I did indeed whiz excellence!” And you absolutely cannot whiz excellence if you are sitting down. 

However, I must admit that the floors in the men's room would be a whole lot cleaner if we did whiz while sitting. But that is not the point. So you guys, please improve your aim. It’s okay to look into the urinal if that prevents unleashing your torrent all over the floor. This is especially true for us older guys whose equipment may be in decline.

Fortunately, the students at the affected New Hampshire schools staged a protest, and the policy was reversed, and the urinals were freed from their captors. So cooler heads … er well, in this case, better functioning heads, prevailed. The protest was highly effective because the First Amendment guarantees freedom of expression. And the male students were prepared to express those rights, all over the school board members.

This Women’s Sports League is a Bust

Several months ago, I was channel surfing through the sports offerings when I accidentally clicked on a women's soccer match. I chuckled to myself because I find both soccer and women's sports excruciatingly dull, and combining the two is mind-numbing. I smiled as I clicked on to the next channel, wistfully asking myself what it would take for me to actually watch women's soccer.

Of course, it took my man-brain only a second to answer that question. "You would watch a match if the women were topless," it said. I nearly laughed out loud at that thought. The concept was funny and bizarre; thus, I considered it for a future Ake's Pains blog post.

But I immediately rejected it because it is crude, outrageous, and excessively sexist. I have a lot of women readers, and it just seemed over-the-top and too much guy locker-room talk. Yes, believe it or not, I do have standards, and this topic did not meet them.

But Don, why are you now writing about this subject now, if it is so taboo?

We Live in a Crazy World

I almost wish I had written about the topic back then because I would have been considered a visionary. We live in a wacky, messed up world, where bizarre stuff seems to happen constantly, such as …..

In May, former sports reporter Holly Sonders launched the Topless Sports League featuring “the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen”. In the words of Dave Barry, “I’m not making this up.”

The Xposed Sportz league will feature Instagram and OnlyFans models competing in basketball, bowling, tennis, ping pong, jump rope, chess, billiards, and that immensely popular sport, Twister.

The women will be "sweaty and oiled up," competing wearing "little-to-no clothing and bikinis." So, yes, this league is topless, crude, outrageous, and excessively sexist, but now it’s a thing, or maybe more appropriately, two things. And the sexism is mollified somewhat because the CEO is a woman, and nobody is forcing the woman to shed their jerseys before the competition.

Breaking Down This New League

Well, because I'm a sports fan and had the idea first, I am compelled to speculate, not fantasize, I assure you, but speculate, on how these sports might operate in the new league.

Jump Rope

I’ve never watched competitive jump rope, but I assume it is a contest based on speed. If so, it will be the most dangerous of the league’s sports. Protective goggles are a must and an on-site, medical crew, similar to those at boxing matches, will be necessary when a competitor knocks herself out. And slow-motion replays are a must.

Billiards

There’s limited motion here, but there is a lot of leaning and bending which could hold viewers’ interest. Announcers will have to refrain from using the term “nice rack” because it will be blatantly obvious and redundant.  

Basketball

The rules must be modified to eliminate “double-dribble” violations because, let's face it, every dribble will be a double dribble. And all the referees must be female because it will be impossible for a male to focus on the game with 20 boobies bouncing up and down the court.

Tennis

Lots of running and bouncing will make this a popular league sport. However, the silicone-enhanced ladies have an advantage here because their “cores” are much more stable. Better have some of those medics from jump roping ready in case one of the natural players rips a backhand and gets smacked on the follow-through.

Bowling

There is sufficient motion to keep the viewers’ interested. And oh, those celebrations when they roll a strike! And no need for any reracks – we got all the racks we need. 

Ping Pong

It might be the most popular league sport because of all the quick motion in a confined space. Doubles, or in this case quads, add to the action. 

Chess

This is the weirdest choice. Let's rename it Ches(t). But this one allows

participation by more mature ladies, provided they can bring some big bishops to the table. And let's use an over-sized table in case those bishops need a resting place. In this case, the trophies are placed on the table before the match starts. 

Twister

Give them credit for figuring out how to make Twister an exciting spectator sport. I would spice it up even more by remaking it as "Titty Twister" and allowing the ladies to tweak their opponents at any time to win the match. Oh, and no need to pay the male refs to officiate.

Final Thoughts

Give Xposed Sportz credit for figuring out how to keep penis-wielding femme fakales out of their women’s league. Because, by going topless, players that don’t belong are going to fall flat.

Finally, soccer was not included. I guess soccer is so boring guys won't even watch women play it topless. Perhaps, if the shorts were also gone … Oh no, way, way, too sexist, I hope they don’t see this post. Let’s forget I said anything about this …….

 

 

Discussing Dick Pics

Dick pics are one of the worst uses of technology in the digital age. At some point in our digital evolution, it became possible to take a photo of your erect penis on your phone and send it to someone through message, text, or email - and the dick pic was sprung. And because of the rise of social media, you don’t even have to know the person to flash them your Willie!

Dick pics burst, okay, wrong word … rose to, still not right …. came upon the, this is going to be difficult to write about. Okay, dick pics made headlines several years ago when former U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner was indiscriminately tweeting his wiener all over the stratosphere. I blogged about that, meaning this is technically my second post on the subject.

And based on my extensive research, the number of dick pics has exploded … okay, has proliferated since then. Iva Biggun, Director of the National Dick Pic Institute of America, estimates that over 87 million dick pics were sent over the information superhighway last year. However, this number is in dispute, with Carly Bimbastic claiming she received 23 million dick pics alone in 2022.

Wait! We have a question from the audience!

Don, why are you writing about this? Women find dick pics disgusting, and men are pigs for sending them! Case closed!

Well, unfortunately it’s not that simple. 

The Woman Issue

Dick Pics are much more complex than they appear. Well, not the pics themselves, but the issue. You see, regarding dick pics, women fall into three general categories:

1.    Those who are disgusted by them.

2.    Those that enjoy them.

3.    Those that say they are disgusted by them but secretly enjoy them.

I know some people will take offense at this, but I must write about what is, not what should be. And I do speak the truth ….

Yes, unfortunately for those women in Category 1, some women actually like getting dick picks. My evidence are comments made by various women on social media who show a fondness for a show of raw masculinity. This includes a hot, classy woman, a Facebook friend from England, who loves receiving unsolicited dick pics. In addition, there is an episode of Succession where Kendall Roy’s love interest demands he send her a dick pic. And because she is such a hot chic, he sticks his phone down his pants and reluctantly complies.

Women are complex beings and react to men’s crude actions very differently. Years ago, I was behind a group of five women walking through a factory when the workers began to catcall and whistle. Two of the women were disgusted, two ignored it, but one, the most attractive in the herd, just ate it up.

I’m speculating that the great majority of women don’t like dick pics. It’s impossible to know how many women secretly enjoy them. But if some of these women in Category 3, along with the women who enjoy the practice, respond favorably to the sender; guys will continue to send dick picks and lots of dick pics.

Note, I am in no way advocating the practice. I’m just blogging about it.

The Guy Issue

Wait! We have another question from the audience!

Don, if most women don’t want dick pics, why do guys send so many of them?

Well, the simple answer is: Because we can. The second simple answer is: Because, we are guys, and testosterone makes us do crazy things. But the real answers, believe it or not, are much more complicated.

Lack of communication skills

Many guys lack the necessary communication skills to woo women. And these skills have deteriorated in the younger generations due to social media and video games. The dick pic is the simplest, most direct communication available for a guy to show romantic - oh excuse me, I mean sexual (for this younger generation) interest in a female. The dick pic says: I have a penis, and it works! It is available for use if you desire its services. I mean, how romantic is that?! But it is efficient; no icky flowery poetry or flattery words are needed, just a pic of a hard wanker is all you need.

Fun – and that tingly feeling

Guys flirt, catcall, make sexual comments, over-compliment, and do stupid things regarding women, because it is fun. It also can give us a tingly feeling in our naughty bits - a result of the surge in testosterone for being well, naughty.

Of course, some guys don’t know when to quit and all those activities can cross the line, resulting in sexual harassment. I’m sure some guy out there has sent 50 dick pics to the same woman, even after she has demanded that he stop.

Evolution

I believe that social media is causing devolution. (Yes, the guys from Akron with the funny hats were ahead of their time.) This de-evolving includes the male of the species displaying his reproductive organs to all potential hot female in hopes of finding a partner to propagate the species. So, we devolve into baboons. Baboons with camera phones capable of flashing our junk way beyond the jungle. From a purely evolutionary perspective, it is perfectly normal behavior, and guys can’t help themselves. Are we not men? We are men with penises! Here let me show you ….

Because It Sometimes Works

If a guy throws his penis around cyberspace long enough, eventually, it will find a dick pic lovin’ gal. And if this convergence results in the subject gaining entrance to the predicate, the dude will still be sending dick pics from the nursing home when he is 90 years old.

An Effective Dating Strategy?

But we people of a certain age have the wisdom to see the folly of dick pics. If the only thing the guy has going for him is that his penis takes an impressive photo, how impressive is the guy in general? And any woman who is attracted to a pic of your penis is probably going to be impressed, and maybe even compressed, by any erect penis that pops up, so good luck hanging on to her and keeping her satisfied long-term. And your penis is going to be under extreme pressure to constantly perform.

And even though my foxy friend from England enjoys getting dick pics, she explicitly states she would never date any man that would send her one. So, this doesn’t appear to be an effective dating strategy in the year 2023. This kind of makes the argument for dick pics rather flaccid.

Oh look, another question:

Don, you haven’t explained how you are Facebook friends with a beautiful woman from England.

Oh yes, she writes books, and I write books. So, we connected because we are both authors, meaning my interest in her is purely literary in nature. I hardly notice when she posts her sexy modeling pics.

And Another Thing

Women need to stop complaining on Facebook about receiving so many dick pics. It is a distasteful humble brag – “Lordy, I don’t know what to do. So many men want to have sex with me.” Listen, there will come a day when you long for a dick pic, but there will be none, so perhaps you should save some of the more impressive ones for nostalgia purposes.

And your humble brags are very hurtful to all the lonely, plain-Jane types who may enjoy dick-pickery. She would cherish a dick pic, even a “shortie”, but she gets none, while you get all that dick pic action and complain about it. So just shut your pie hole already!

Another question!

“So Don, you do condemn the practice of sending dick pics in the strongest of terms.

Well, I would like to but, but ….

It might be hypocritical of me to do so. If I had access to today’s technology when I was 18 years old, when my hormones were raging, with my penchant for ornery behavior, and with my enormous crush on Cindy McPherson, I cannot say for certain that my boner would not have gone flying through the information superhighway and sliding into Cindy’s inbox.

The Rebuke

But guys, it is not a good practice to send unsolicited dick pics, especially to women you don’t know. It is ineffective and crude. Please keep your camera phone out of your pants.

Still more questions …

That doesn’t sound like a powerful rebuke. Have you ever sent a woman a dick pic?

I can unequivocally state that I have not.

Okay, but has any woman ever requested that you send her one? Perhaps someone in England?

Oh look, we’re out of space today! Wouldn’t want to take up too much of the Internet. That’s all we the time we have. Gotta run …..!

When You Write Her Up – It Never Stops

Web Headline: His Wife Is A Stay-At-Home Mom, And After He Gave Her A Written Performance Review, She Lost It

When I read this headline, I winced, thinking what might happen if I did the same thing. I wondered what the mourners would say at my subsequent funeral –

Yeh, Don was sure an intelligent man, but that performance appraisal thing, well ….

Now, in the guy’s defense, his complicated, unusually blended family had formed internal factions and became highly dysfunctional. Which coincidentally describes the office environment at every large company I have ever worked for. Thus, the contrived idea of a written performance appraisal for his wife, I guess.

His family needed counseling, but he went for the easiest, cheapest alternative, which in this case, was far from the best. If he had asked just one guy, any guy, about this idea beforehand, he could have been saved a lot of grief.

Because if you have the insidious balls (and they better be inside you to prevent them from being ripped off) to present a written list of grievances to your wife (a marital Festivus, if you will), prepare to be presented with your wife’s unwritten list of your indiscretions, which could go back many years.

Yes, you will have opened a Pandora’s Box – appropriately named after a woman – which includes that comment you allegedly made five years ago, at some alleged dinner, that you don’t even remember, to her cousin, which was (select one):

A.     Offensive

B.     Suggestive

C.     Embarrassing

D.    Weird

E.     Stupid

F.      All off the above

To which you will probably reply: Is she the one with the enormous breasts?

And the discussion will all go downhill from there.

Rest assured that your wife’s unwritten list will dwarf your written one. And you will have totally forgotten about all your alleged transgressions, including the ones you committed yesterday, and thus, will not be able to put up even a token defense.

And in this case, the guy’s wife reacted harshly, as expected, and then yacked about it to all her girlfriends, resulting in a huge estrogen-fueled pity party, as always happens when a guy does something stupid. In this case, it was so absurd that it made its way onto the Internet, which caused a national pity party, and got the guy ridiculed as a colossal jerk. Let’s hope he didn’t “write her up” because of it.

So guys, a written performance is not recommended if your wife is not performing up to acceptable standards. What is recommended? I don’t know – maybe ask Dr. Phil.

But maybe my opinion of the performance appraisal process itself is somewhat biased ….

Performance Appraisals

During my business career, I hated the disgusting, humiliating concept of yearly performance appraisals. I wouldn’t even have agreed to do these, except you had to submit to this tortuous abuse to get a salary increase. In effect, you become a prostitute, getting screwed for money. Oh, and they do enjoy boinking you.

I’m convinced that the large companies I worked for predetermined what raise they could afford to give to you, and then wrote the performance appraisal to match the percentage increase. So:

If you were doing a great job – The company had to rip you apart to justify not giving you a higher raise.

If you were doing a poor job – The company ripped into you in hopes that you might quit.

If you were doing a fair job, well-matched to your raise amount – The company still ripped into you just because it was fun.

They asked you to rate yourself to make it appear fair, but they don’t even look at your drivel most of the time. When I was young and naïve, I spent over an hour writing my first self-appraisal. At the end, it was pencil-whipped in five minutes.

At one of my former employers, where the appraisals were the worst, I was skewered for the type of neckties I wore, who I ate lunch with, and other trivial matters. Instead of being at home with my wife the week after my second daughter was born, I came in to work to launch a new product I was responsible for (the project ran two weeks late, and my daughter arrived three weeks early, creating the conflict). Still, I received a grade of “needs improvement” on the “Is Committed to the Job” metric on my performance appraisal just two months later. The former company president is buried at the same cemetery as my parents. I hope I never happen upon his gravestone after drinking a couple of liters of Dr. Pepper.

One of the jokes I planned to use in this post is to ask what I would rather do:

A.   Go through a performance appraisal at work?

B.   Have a vigorous prostate exam?

Funny joke, I reasoned, but then I truly pondered it. Both examinations are intrusive, highly disgusting, painful, and degrading. And surprisingly, my preference, provided I still received the same raise after either option, is the prostate exam. Something is going up my @$$ anyway, it may as well be only a finger and corporations eschew rubber gloves! 

I reason that the prostate exam is shorter in duration, and once your sphincter returns to its original size, you are all fine and normal. And I have also passed all my prostrate exams and have never been criticized by my doctor during the procedure. Whereas I could be upset and sore for a whole month after getting my @$$ ripped apart in a performance appraisal. Maybe you guys who are still working can suggest this alternative next time you are due for a performance appraisal.

Final Words of Wisdom

So guys, never give your wife or woman a written performance appraisal. And at work, don’t spend much time doing your self-appraisal, and remember to always keep your sphincter tight during the actual performance review.

 

 

 

We Couldn’t Care Any Less – Except for the beer thing

When you are a toddler, you basically live a carefree existence. You literally can make it through the entire day without a care in the world. People actually make you sammiches without you even having to ask! How terrific is that?

You only start to care about things when you start school. Learn something! Or else you could die penniless in the street. Of course, you are too young to realize they are manipulating you.  

You need to care about school! That is why they never teach about, let alone mention, “living on welfare” anytime between kindergarten and 12^th grade. If you knew you could exist without ever working, you would have kids dropping out of school in fifth grade. “Long division? Screw you; I’m going home – to play video games. They never mention “living on welfare” in college either, because if you drop out, you deprive the school of revenue. No, it is important to “join the workforce,” where your soul will be sucked out of you.

But some kids figure out you don’t need an education to survive. At the time, we viewed these as the dumb kids. But who are the real dummies? Remember that Ralph kid who was always cutting class? Well, you ended up paying for his Cheetos and lottery tickets for his entire life, not to mention beer.  

Ralph thanks you!

Everything Matters

Once you graduate from high school, you suddenly become aware of the whole world, and you care about everything. Your mind is young, wild and adventurous, and so idealistic. You want to save the whales, feed the world, explore the supernatural, and attempt to fix things that have worked just fine for the last few hundred years. 

But then you enter your 30s and must start adulting. You may still care about many things, but life forces you to prioritize. You may still want to save the whales, but saving 15% on that big-screen tv becomes so much more rewarding. And it basically stays that way throughout your adult life. Your caring is spread throughout multiple concerns as you juggle those balls and spin those plates, hoping only to drop a few along the way.

Becoming Care-Less

A significant change occurs when you join the MOACA (Men of a Certain Age) tribe. (And please, no crap about offending Indians because tribes have existed for over 30,000 years. So I apologize to all of you remaining Neanderthals out there.) MOACAs have retired from most of their adult responsibilities and now have time once again to care about everything. However, now they care about very little.

Random Someone On Facebook: Hey! Who can solve this equation?

35 / 54 + 6 x 3 – 8

MOACA: Tell me the real-life problem this represents, and I will tell you the answer.

RSOF: Ha, ha. It doesn’t represent anything! I just made it up.

MOACA: WTHC (Who the Heck Cares) – Note: you can substitute a stronger H-word if so inclined. You might even prefer to go full MOACA with the WTFC version.

RSOF: By the way, the answer is 4!

MOACA: 4 what

RSOF: Uh, 4 nothings. Just 4.

MOACA: Then what difference does it make? STHU (Shut the Heck Up) or of course, STFU if you prefer.

Is That Your Final Answer?

MOACAs signature answer to many things is WTHC. The question can be irrelevant, irreverent, or too difficult. Often, when the MOACA should know the answer but can’t remember it, the WTHC answer is still the same. It is that wisdom, blended with experience, coupled with all that crankiness, which gives the MOACA his charm.

MOACAs are terrible at trivia since they either can’t remember the answers they should know, and don’t care about the rest of them. And they are never chosen to be contestants on Jeopardy!

Jeopardy Host: She became Queen of France in 1422.

Brrrrrrrrrrrg!

Jeopardy Host: Yes, Mr. MOACA, you buzzed in first. Your answer?

Mr. MOACA: Who the hell cares?

Jeopardy Host: I’m sorry, that is incorrect. Your total is now negative $12,000. The correct answer is Marie of Anjou.

Mr. MOACA: Who the hell is she? And can we leave her mother’s religion out of it?

There Are No Social Cares Either

MOACAs also lose their interest in social causes also. The whales have been just fine looking out for themselves all these years and will continue to do so.

And the cranky MOACAs have no tolerance for social protests:

“Git you’re a$$es out of the street and git yourselves a jerb! I had to work in $h!+holes my entire life, so find yourself a $h!+hole, get your soul sucked out of you, and make something of your life! You will be much less likely to burn down that building when you helped pay for it.

Full Circle

You came into this life without any cares, and for the MOACA, the task is to leave it with as few as possible.