First there was the Horse Whisperer who calmed wild horses,
then there was the Dog Whisperer who trained and brought obedience in unruly
mutts, and now AKE TV introduces the fabulous new reality show, The Car
Whisperer, who turns dangerous drivers into model motorists! Welcome to episode #1!
Announcer: Meet Melvin Snerdly. Mr. Snerdly is considered
the top driving instructor in the U.S.
He has taught thousands of students how to drive over his 30 years in
the business. He has taken the written driving
test in all 50 states without missing a single question. He is easily recognized by his classic pocket
protector and bow tie.
Today’s problem driver in Carl “Crash” Craminski. Carl
currently holds the record for license violation points in three different
states. He is not very well liked by
insurance companies. Flo from
Progressive once tried to kick him in the nads. The Geico gecko has flipped him
off and Jake from State Farm refuses to take his calls.
As our subject drives around the city, Melvin, The Car
Whisperer, sits in the back seat, leans forward, and gently whispers words of
instruction and encouragement. The goal
is to turn, our reckless driver into a model citizen of the road.
Melvin (in very hushed tone): Yes Carl, check to make sure it’s clear, then
slowly back out.
[sound of tires squealing]
YAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Okay you just missed that car coming behind
you. But that’s okay, now pull out onto
the street, making sure you give enough space to the cars approachi….
GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ! [tires
screeching, horn blasting]
You also might want to turn down your stereo. Just
because you enjoy crappy music, it doesn’t mean everyone does. And unless you are deaf, you surely must be
able to hear it at reasonable volumes.
Now you are going to be turning right up here, so
you should be getting into the right lane and signaling the turn. Get over, get over, get ….
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [horn honking]
Okay, the turn signal was invented in the 1930’s
and has been standard equipment on cars since the 1940’s. And it’s very easy to operate, down for left,
up for right. See, you can do it.
Ah, now you can make a right turn on red. It’s clear, you can go. Go ahead. Still clear,
what are you waiting for? …. Okay, now
you can’t go because the left turn signal on the other side is on and if you
turn now, cars will be coming right at you, so don’t go noooooooooooow……….
WUP WUP WUP WOOOOOOOO! [more horns]
Now you have the left turn arrow. That arrow pointing to the left means you can
go left! So go, don’t just sit there and
stare at it ,go, go, [Massive horn honkings] Now the arrows off, don’t turn
now! Don’t turn noooooooooow
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWZA! [more horns]
Oh here we are approaching an eight-lane, four-way,
stop. This is one of the most
challenging driving situations around. Just slowly pull up to the intersection
and stop and I will talk you through – uhhhhhh
RAAAAAAAZMAAAAAAAAAAAA! [multiple horns]
You see, a rolling stop is not actually a stop,
because you never actually stop, get it?
The stop sign is there to tell you to stop and all those silly people
honking their horns actually expected you to actually stop.
Alright, you don’t to brake when approaching a
green light, that’s just not needed. You will have plenty of time to stop in
the light changes. That’s what the
yellow (caution) light is for. It’s been
around since 1920, so you should have had sufficient time to adapt to it.
Now please stop talking on the cell phone. You are
weaving are over the road. Okay now you are going straight, straight down the
middle, over the yellow line. (massive
honking). Um you really shouldn’t give the finger to other drivers when you are
the problem, it makes you look like a jerky numskull.
Uh you are not providing an assured clear distance.
Why are you so close to the next car? Why, why, he can’t go any faster than the
cars in front of him, can he. You need to back off, in case he brakes without
waaaaaaaaaaaaa
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [severe screeching of tires]
Now it’s time to get on the expressway and master
some highway driving. Increase your
speed on the on-ramp, signal, and look for a nice gap to merge safely into
traffic. Look, there’s a swell space
open behind the Buick, no behind, not in front, behind, behiiiiiiiiiiind
GAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!
Now you are in the far left lane, the speed lane,
or passing lane. When you are in this lane you need to maintain a faster pace
so as not to impede other drivers who want to go faster. So you are now five
miles per hour under the speed limit. So
speed up, speed up, push the accelerator. Push it, push it.
[honking]
Look in the rear view mirror. See the traffic backed up 10 deep behind
you? They want to go by you, but they
can’t because you are hogging the lane.
Look, look. The rear view mirror was invented in 1906 and every car has
one. Either speed up or get out of the
speed lane …
Just look for an open space to the right, use your
turn signal to indicate you are changing lanes. Whatever you do just don’t jerk
the wheel to the right and oooooooooooo (honking)
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Ah now you do need to pick a lane and stay in
it. This one’s good, okay this one. How bout this one. Really shouldn’t pass on
the right. Pick a lane….. please pick a
lane, any lane just pick one.
Okay you in that car’s “blind spot”. It’s called the blind spot because the driver
is unable to see you in his mirrors. You
need to speed up or slow down before that other car decides to change lanes
……………
HIJIMAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
All right, you are back in the speed lane and this
time you are keeping pace with the traffic.
Good boy, Carl. Ah but see that
sign? Your exit is coming up and you
need to start moving over to the right lane.
Now, start moving now.
You see your
taxes paid for that sign and workers put it up so you would know to get over, so you would not need to quickly cut across
traffic to exit. And look!, they put up
a second sign again letting you know the exit is coming up, just in case you
missed the first one. So get over,
change lanes, change lanes now
Well it’s too late now, you can’t make it with that
big semi in the right lane, you will just have to get off at the next ex……….
HOLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEE CRAAAAAAAAP!
Melvin (in normal voice): Let’s find a restroom, I need to
change my shorts. Turn left up ahead.
(Back in whisper-mode) Now made a square turn, don’t just sweep across the
lane because a car can pull up and
YACKMANNNNNNNNNNA!
You see, it’s called a turn because you are
actually supposed to turn the steering wheel, hand-over-hand, hand-over-hand.
Just pull into the space and park the car. Uh well
you see someone has gone to the trouble of painting these lines on the parking
lot. You are supposed to park between
the lines, between the lines, not just wherever you want.
[after a quick bathroom break]
All right, you are not going to be able to make a
left turn out of the parking lot. You cannot go across six lanes of traffic in
rush hour. You can’t even do that on
Frogger, ha ha. So just make a riiiiiight
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAA NELLLLLLLLLLLY!
Melvin: (Screaming) GET OUT THE CAR! GET OUT OF THE #@%!ING
CAR, NOW! GIVE ME YOUR #^& *%#@ LICENSE, SO I CAN
BURN IT! YOU ARE NEVER, EVER, DRIVING AGAIN!
Announcer: That concludes the premier episode of the Car
Whisperer. Unfortunately, there will not be an episode number 2.
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