Always Use Some Horse-Sense When Choosing a Wife

(Note: None of the details presented in this post are made up.  That’s right; sometimes the truth is just that funny!)

The Internet news organizations were sent into gyrations a few weeks ago when North Korea leader Kim Jong Un was seen in a photo with (GASP!) a woman.  But not just any woman, she was a “mystery” woman.  Not to worry, the South Korea intelligence service sprang into action to find out all they could about this chick. This means either they don’t have enough to do or they are very horny guys, or both.

Unfortunately the U.S. could not send agents over there to support their efforts after the Columbian call-girl scandal.  Having our guys spy on beautiful, young, women is just asking for trouble, and let’s face it, too darn expensive.

The South Korean agents quickly identified the woman as Hyon Song Wol, a singer known for the hit party songs; “Footsteps of Soldiers”, “She is a Discharged Soldier” and “We are Troops of the Party”.  Yep, great party songs, Communist Party songs.  No indoctrination going on there!  But Wol’s greatest hit was “Excellent Horse-Like Lady” released in 2005.

Now of course this is disturbing.  I have always questioned the North Koreans’ taste in women since 2000 when 63 year-old Secretary of State Madeline Albright made a diplomatic trip there.  The North Korean leaders all wanted to dance with her because they thought she was hot!  Hell, Madeline Albright wasn’t even hot when she was 23!  There is something really wrong here.  So if the North Koreans think Maddie was a babe, they may just take a second look at ol’ Sadie.

I have never thought about comparing horses to women.  Sure I appreciate sleek, shapely, legs.  But I prefer only two, without hooves, please.  And what guy doesn’t value a set of championship caliber hind-quarters?, but that is as far as it goes.

However when I watched the “Excellent Horse-Like Lady” music video (yes there is one), it showed three happy, very attractive, (no horsing around here) women working in a factory.  So it is excellent to “work” like a horse, but not look (or even smell) like one.  Therefore it appears maybe the North Koreans are making progress in evaluating female beauty.

But then the shocking news came out that the mystery woman was not Hyon Sol Wol, but was really Ri Sol Ju.  Then the news reports started to sound like a “smart- phone” commercial.

“We just found out that Kim Jung Un likes Ri Sol Ju” (that is so 28 seconds ago)

“Wait, she is really his wife!” (that is so 32 seconds ago)

“And they have a 3-year old son!” (that is so 15 seconds ago)

So Kim found a woman, got married, and had a three year-old son all in the span of three weeks!  And you thought North Korea was behind the times!

Not the "First Lady" of North Korea

The good news is that Kim has made an excellent choice and Ri does not resemble a horse.  She does not have a “long-face”.  In fact a North Korean man interviewed for a news report said she has a “round face” and clear skin.  Her legs are shapely, hoove-less and not overly hairy.  Unfortunately there are no photos available to adequately evaluate her hind-quarters, but she is a former cheerleader so we can assume that there is no capitalist junk in that trunk.  The guy interviewed for the news report also said that Ri makes an excellent image of an obedient, comrade, wife and she even “wears colors”!

Kim’s father had four or five wives so Kim is well on his way to collecting a fine stable of fillies.  And because he is 28, likes video games and is in control of a nuclear arsenal, we want him to get all the mane and tail that he wants.

We want him very happy – and exhausted - every night, if you get my drift.  So my advice to Kim is “Giddy Up!”   

Welcome To Customer Service Hell (There is no one here to assist you)

My blog post on January 9, 2012 included the following statements:

I am about to pay my lawn treatment bill for this year and I am also planning to purchase a new lawn tractor. If you combine these two purchasing decisions together, you should expect the “Great Drought of 2012”.

Northeast Ohio is experiencing the worst drought in 24 years and the fewest number of rainy days in 89 years.  It is indeed the “Great Drought of 2012”, so stick it Farmer’s Almanac, I am way more accurate than you!

And of course I did buy a new lawn tractor in April, but it was not easy.  In fact, it was a visit to customer service hell.    

Attempt #1 – The Specialty Equipment Store

When I arrived at the store that sells my preferred brand, I knew something special was up because of the many cars in the parking lot and streamers and balloons outside the entrance.  There was an open house!  But it was for the recreation equipment (ATV’s and Jet Skis) on the right side of the store, not for the lawn and garden equipment on the left, so I did not expect a problem.  They were even offering free barbeque sandwiches.  Unfortunately I had just eaten, so I was not in need of a sandwich.

But when I turned left, I saw two people already in the showroom obviously needing sales assistance.  The salesman was behind the counter totally engrossed in writing something (an ATV order perhaps).  Sitting across the counter from him was an older guy who I assume used to work there and probably conveniently stopped by for a free sandwich.  The old guy realized there was a customer service problem brewing and decided to try and assist the potential customer looking at the chain saws standing just   a few feet away.

Old Guy:  “Can I answer any questions for ya?”

Potential Customer: “Do these Stihl’s ever go on sale?”

Old Guy: (to Salesman) “Hey, do the Stihl’s ever go on sale?”

Salesman: (never looking up) “Not often”.

Old Guy: (to potential customer) “He said, not often.”

It was at that point that I realized I was hosed.  The store was going to close soon and due to their limited hours I would not be able to return for days. If I needed a free sandwich they could provide that, but if I wanted to actually spend money to buy something, tough luck.

Attempt #2 – The Farm and Tractor Supply Store

I then drove a few miles to this store.  I knew carried my second choice of brands at a decent price.  I was relieved to find the parking lot nearly empty. (Maybe they should give away free sandwiches).  It was my first time in the store so I ended up walking the entire perimeter before I found the lawn equipment section.    

I started looking at the equipment and expected to be waited on soon.   After all, there were more employees in the store than customers and there are few self-service items in this section.  After waiting several minutes, I decided to walk to the parts counter in the back to request assistance.  When the woman by the parts counter saw me walking towards her, she broke eye contact and actually started walking quickly away from me. 

Of course I could have run after her shouting, “Sell me a lawn tractor!  Sell me one now, or I’m going to shove my credit card and its large credit limit right up your wazoo!”  But I didn’t.  I was stunned.  I determined this store was not worthy of my business either and left.  I wondered if I had entered a parallel universe where the economy was so good that stores didn’t need $1,500 sales. 

Attempt #3 – The Home Behemoth 

I do not like shopping at the Home Behemoth because it is too big and you have trouble getting sales help (Ha! Ha! Double Ha!).  I wouldn’t even have stopped here except that it was on my way home and I still needed a lawn tractor. 

I was pleased to find that they also carried my second brand choice at a price $100 cheaper than the farm store.  However the salesperson assigned to that area walked past me three times without making eye contact.  I finally had to tell the old guy stationed by the door that I needed help.  He summoned the salesperson on his walkie-talkie and now, surprise, she was happy to help me. 

The good news is that I love my new Cub Cadet.  It works great and the company is a big supporter of the soccer program at The University Akron (my alma mater).  The bad news of course is that I haven’t mowed my lawn in weeks.  The experts say that the grass is not dead, only “dormant”.  I remember my mom saying the same thing about my goldfish when I was five years old.

This "grass" in my yard is not dead; just dormant.

Our Freedom Is Busting Out All Over

It is always inspirational when someone aspires to achieve greatness.  So we should all be lifted up by the story of Paula Simonds who wants to have the greatest (read largest) breasts in the world. (according to a report by the dailymail.com).

Most people who strive to attain greatness must train, strain and work very hard to achieve their goal.  But Paula (stage name Lacey Wildd) will not need to do any of that (you knew she wouldn’t be jumping rope or doing jumping jacks).  No, to live her dream, Paula will have to undergo her 13th augmentation surgery to pump up her L-cup breasts to Triple-M (gives a whole new meaning to the term “Mm, Mm, good!”).

This raises the question:  Can you have too much of a good thing?  Personally I do not prefer fake breasts, because they are in fact, fake.  It is akin to bra stuffing.  It doesn’t matter to me if the falsies are on the outside or the inside; they are still “false”.  It doesn’t matter if your “date” is 5% plastic or 100% plastic.  Plastic is still plastic.  Implants are acceptable for medical reasons or if a woman is a member of the IBTC (Itty, Bitty, Titty, Committee), but if you are adequate, I see no reason to become more than adequate.

"Fun Bags?"

Of course I know this opinion is in the minority among guys. Most guys love big, firm, fake, breasts.  But can men be so clueless and dense to be fooled by bags of silicone strategically placed?  Okay, stupid question.   Put a pair of large, fake, hooters in front of a man and his brain completely shuts down.

Yes, most men are obsessed with women’s breasts whether they are real or not.  And the bigger the breasts, the bigger the obsession.  A few years ago a woman was hired at a company and the guys who worked there suspected that her breasts were enhanced.  For the next two weeks, a team of engineers worked diligently to determine the critical answer to this burning question.   Using AutoCAD to simulate key waist-hip-bust ratios, they were able to come to a thrilling conclusion: Yes they were fake, and they were spectacular.  The company soon learned to use this woman to collect contributions for company charities because it is very difficult for a guy to say “no” to fake breasts.

But I think it would be very difficult to be married to Paula (she is a divorced mother of five).  Could you sleep soundly at night knowing that she could roll over and smother you to death?  Sure what a great way to go, but you would still be dead.  You would constantly have to be careful about those jugs smacking you in the face.  It would be embarrassing to go to work with black eyes and have your co-workers ask you if your wife beat you up again.  Of course you could say, “No, I just got pummeled again by her humongous breasts. By the way, how was your evening?”

And lovemaking would be an adventure.  First you would have to wear safety goggles to bed because just like a Red Ryder BB gun, those guns could put your eye out.  Older guys would need something longer lasting than Viagra, because it would take more than an hour of foreplay to “adequately cover the terrain.” And I think you would you need extremely large hands, like an NFL wide-receiver, to keep those things under control.  If you have small hands and the session got too passionate, there could be structural damage to your house.

So even though I admire Paula’s ambition, I cannot endorse this.  Her children are against this due to the danger of “stretching, tearing and rupture”, and this is just what could happen to the clothesline when she hangs her bras out to dry.   Even though I do not agree with Paula, this is America.  So as we celebrate Independence Day, let’s be grateful that we live in a country where women have the freedom to inflate their breasts to epic proportions if they choose to.  This is a great country!

These Cannibals are Anything But Fine!

2012 is quickly becoming the “year of the cannibal”.   There have been numerous reports of human flesh eating in the civilized world this year and we have six more months to go (true).  This is very disturbing and many people have speculated on the causes of this trend.  Most people blame “zombie movies” or even the current fascination with vampires.  However, I see more blatant, sinister, forces at work.  Here are the factors that I believe are driving this cannibalistic behavior.

The Fine Young Cannibals

Back in the 90’s a group of musicians took a break from their savage ways to record some very popular music.  Even though they unashamedly admitted their cannibalism, they described themselves in very positive terms.  They were “fine”, not “bad” cannibals.  And they are not the old, uncivilized, cannibals.  No, are were new, “young” cannibals, which apparently were capable of playing guitars.

Even though they sold many CDs and made millions of dollars, no one challenged them on their dining habits.  There were just allowed to sing their songs and eat people at will.  I just hope they didn’t treat their groupies like grouper.

I pointed this out to a friend and she said that was too far in the past and to not look back.  Well let me tell you that she drives me crazy that she cannot see how influential this band can be on gullible simpletons such as her.  This is not a good thing.

Mr. Peanut

You may think of him as a cute, amusing, spokesperson, but he is a peanut and he talks about eating peanuts.  Therefore by definition he is a cannibal!  He enthusiastically promotes the taste and consumption of peanuts and other nuts and encourages people (and maybe other peanut cannibals?) to devour them in mass quantities.  And just like with The Fine Young Cannibals, the savageness of the practice is purposely downplayed.  Mr. Peanut is one sophisticated cannibal with his fancy hat, monocle and cane.

And in this same category, Pop & Fresh (aka The Pillsbury Doughboy) is very suspect.  He always shows up when baked goods are being removed from the oven.  He is very happy and cheerful even though his substance, dough, has just been baked at high temperatures to prepare it for consumption.  And let’s face it, he is more than chubby, he is fat.  He is eating lots of something and he is spending way too much time around the oven for a dough ball.  I sense a scandal just waiting to happen.

PETA’s Stand Against Cannibalism

Incredibly, the most outspoken criticism of the recent cannibal incidents has come from People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) (true).  Now you might wonder why you would have to state that cannibalism is in fact, bad.  It should be obvious, right?  No, PETAs point is that all flesh eating is bad, including human flesh.   I think this promotes cannibalism more than it discourages meat eating.  If a cannibal ascribes to this philosophy and sees you eating a Big Mac, he will not think eating you is wrong at all.  No PETA, eating a Poor Boy is not the same as eating a boy who is poor. Eating a leg of lamb is not equal to eating a leg of Sam. And eating finger food is not like eating fingers as food!  Use your brains before some zombie eats them for lunch.

And all this news of cannibalism is not helpful to society.  There is a reformed cannibal in my neighborhood and all this talk of man eaters has made things tough for him.  He told me that the other day, “I was thinking about eating Harvey for dinner, but I ate stew instead.”  He was interested in discussing the topic further and invited me over for dinner.  I think I’m going to pass on this one.

   

The Big Gulp is Way Too Big For Buddha!

The Mayor of New York City sure got everyone riled up with his proposed ban on large “sugary” drinks.  The reaction has not been very sweet at all.

I think the issue is very confusing to most people.  For example I’m sure many older adults cannot understand why anyone would want to drink that much in one serving.  And for anyone with “piping issues” regarding the bladder or the prostate, imbibing that much carbonated beverage would seem ludicrous indeed.  Why even the thought of downing that much soda pop would cause… uh oh eh, oh no.  Please excuse me for one moment.  I’ll be right back……….

Ah, that is much better, yes.  Where was I?  Okay, people don’t like the ban.  But in the words of South Park Guidance Counselor, Mr. Mackey: “Pop is bad, mkay”.  You shouldn’t drink pop, because pop is bad, mkay.”

And pop is bad. Studies have shown that the combination of high-fructose corn syrup and phosphoric acid will rot your innards (this is a medical term).  And diet pop is supposed to be even worse for you although scientists don’t know why yet.  This should scare the hell out of everyone, but it doesn’t.  The proposed ban doesn’t even apply to diet soda which may kill you faster.

Still, Americans don’t like the government telling them what they cannot have.  My socially-conscientious friend Anne was outraged when she first heard about the proposed law.  Even though she lives in Ohio, she had this ravenous, almost insatiable, craving to consume a Big Gulp.  When her boyfriend heard about this, he immediately told her that the mayor of her town was thinking about banning sex between single people in her city.  I don’t know if Anne has calmed down any because I haven’t heard from her (or her boyfriend) in days.

But do you really need that much soda?  Back in my day, fifteen cents got you a bottle of Coke from the vending machine in my grandpa’s grocery store.  You didn’t gulp it because it was only 6 ½ ounces and you needed to savor every sip.  Sure we were still thirsty, but we could still fit into our britches and we didn’t get diabetes as kids.  No my generation gets diabetes when we get older. And we get it by eating too much pie, which is the proper way.  And encouraging people to gulp pop creates excess intestinal gas which negatively impacts us all.

And there have always been fat kids.  Growing up I lived across the street from a kid my friend Fred referred to as “Whoa-Jelly” his brother was called “Whoa-Jam”.  When this huge kid ran barefoot down the sidewalk, there was fat shaking everywhere, which always prompted Fred to yell out “Whoa-Jelly, Whoa-Jelly, Whoa-Jelly”.  The problem is that while Whoa-Jelly was an oddity then, he is everywhere now.  We are becoming a Whoa-Jelly nation.  Of course in the past there were these people who actually put limits on what children ate, drank or did for their general welfare.  These people were known as “parents”.  I’m not sure where these people went.

Nobody really needs that much soda pop at one time, but the government telling us how much to drink is too intrusive.  I guess we can still consume, but in moderation.  However, the recent health studies tell us that maybe “moderation” should be way less than we current consume.  Yes, we all need to be Buddhists on this one.  Drinking a Big Gulp is not Zen-like in any fashion.

One shudders to think what could have happened in the Big Gulp existed in Buddha’s day. I’m sure it got steamy sitting under that fig tree all the time and you know that figs taste great with Pepsi.  If one day Buddha got really hot and thirsty and said, “Forget this moderation stuff and bring me a Big Gulp” now!, the world would have been deprived of a major religion.


From My Other Blog: The dangers of high fructose corn syrup

Man! I Feel Like A Hoser!

Man! I Feel Like a Hoser!

You Canadian women can rest easier since Jenna Talackova (the transgender beauty queen) did not win the Miss Canada beauty pageant.  It would have been embarrassing for you to be represented by someone who used to be named “Walter”.  But don’t rest too easy since Jenna did finish in the top 12.

And there is a possibility that Jenna did not get a fair evaluation.  Jenna wore a very revealing swimsuit that displayed Jenna’s total package, but the judges may have been distracted by making sure there wasn’t a surprise package.

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that in the talent segment Jenna performed the song “Man! I Feel Like A Woman”, made popular by fellow Canadian Shania Twain (who is all woman).  But Jenna did win Miss Congeniality (the truth).  Yes, it seems that Jenna was not catty, not jealous and did not “back bite” like the other women usually do in this contest.  No, Jenna did not act like the other women at all.  Hey wait a minute …. Foul! Foul, I say!  Canadians, you’ve been hosed! You’ve been hosed big time!

That Don’t Impress Me Much

Four people have died in a recent traffic jam.  But this wasn’t on the highway.  No, the traffic jam was for mountain climbers waiting to reach the peak of Mt. Everest.  The line to get to the top was so long that the four victims suffered from exhaustion due to altitude sickness and couldn’t make it back down the mountain (true). 

 

There is something very wrong with this.  I thought climbing to the top of Mt. Everest was supposed to be very challenging and reserved for a select few. But if there are these long lines, then it must not be so tough.  I was planning on traveling to the Himalayas myself this summer to climb the mountain.  But if there is going to be a long line, well forget that.  I’ll just go to Myrtle Beach instead.

You may laugh, but Myrtle Beach presents some very difficult challenges of its own.  For example, Myrtle Beach has some of the most difficult miniature golf courses in the world.  Many a tourist’s vacation has been ruined by the 15^th hole at Runaway Bay.  The famous “Hansel and Gretel” hole is a tough par 3 that can really eat you up if you mess up your tee shot.  And another challenge is to time your arrival at the seafood buffet so you get there when the food is fresh, but before the line gets too long.

Help Stop This Fashion Tragedy

The photo above was taken at the recent meeting of world leaders in the U.S. and it is truly heartbreaking.  While the other world dignitaries are decked out in expensive suits, there is Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan in a some sort of shawl. Shawls for men went out of fashion around 300 years ago, but apparently some people don’t keep up on the fashion news.  You know the other leaders are making fun of him behind his back.  They may be bigwigs, but they are still guys and that is what guys do.  No wonder Hamid is so sadur when the other guys are having a great time.

Apparently the Afghans also don’t know about the modern invention of the button (at least 900 years old) since Hamid has to use both hands to keep his coat closed.  While technology has enabled the modern world to enjoy “hands-free” communication, the Afghans have not yet mastered the concept of hands-free clothing.  It’s very difficult to display that sharp, buttoned-down, look when you have no buttons!

This situation is so sad, but now there is hope.  Please join me in supporting the relief organization “Armanis for Afghanis”.  Please consider donating your new or gently-used business suits for this important cause.  The suits will be air-dropped to help the fashion-challenged Afghanis throughout the country.   

The hope is that when the Afghanis wear the business suits they will be motivated to then start businesses so that they have a good reason to wear the suits.  This will result in a rejuvenated, thriving, Afghan economy.  So please give today.  

Salmon - It's Not Just For Dinner Anymore

Last June, my blog post “Man Rules For Wearing Pink” was a shot heard round the men’s fashion world.  They noticed, oh yeah, they noticed.  I have not seen a single pink polo shirt in a sales flyer so far this year.  This post also established me as an authority on the subject.  It comes in Google searches on the subject and the guys at work look to me to settle disputes on whether certain clothes are “man acceptable” at our company.  So yes, I have become an authority on polo shirts. (I have authoritay and you must respect it).

However, recently my wife gave me several new polo shirts for my birthday.  The first two were very nice looking, but I was taken aback by the third one.  I held it out at a distance with a stunned look on my face.  There was total silence until my daughter blurted out: “Dad, it’s salmon.  It’s not pink, it’s salmon!”

I looked at my wife and said, “You know I can’t wear just any shirt.  I have an image to protect.”

“But it’s not pink”, she pleaded.  “There was a pink one, but I didn’t buy it!”

This situation was very important to me because I want to display the same integrity and consistency on this issue that both our candidates for president are displaying on political issues.  I do not want to be accused of flip-flopping while wearing fish-colored clothes.  I do not want to be a polo shirt hypocrite!

So what to do with this shirt? (Pictured here).  It is truly salmon, which is an odd mix of orange and pink.  One wonders if there was not a tasty fish to name the color after, if the color would exist at all.  It does have some white stripes, but the shirt is ultimately saved by the several very masculine black stripes.  So though it is not a very manly shirt, it is deemed “marginally acceptable”.  I do admit that it will be difficult to exude my normal level of machismo while wearing a shirt that is a color of a fish, but maybe I can just use an extra splash of Brute.  This may be the start of a fish-machismo fashion trend!

However, I would advise you single guys not to wear a salmon-colored shirt when cruising for chicks.  If you do, you may end up attracting the type of woman who will expect you to accompany her to the spa for a couple’s pedicure. You definitely don’t want to be that guy, so it is very important to wear your most manly shirts during those important excursions.  

You may think that I am over emphasizing these man fashion rules.  But men need clear rules to follow or they will make horrible clothing choices.  For example, consider what happened last month at the NCAA Basketball Championship Game.

Many people were outraged at the pop-rock group The Fray, for their rendition of the Star Spangled Banner prior to tip-off.  I was very outraged also, but it had nothing to do with the singing.  I was livid because The Fray’s lead singer, Isaac Slade, showed up for this big performance wearing orangish pants (see photo).

This is so wrong.  This is a very manly game in a very manly sport.  It is the big championship game which means the testosterone level at the arena and around the nation is at an extremely high level.  You don’t walk out into that atmosphere wearing orange pants!  Come on man. Man-up and man-up now. If the players are bringing their “A” game to the place, you need to be bringing your man-pants