Just in case you haven’t heard, Donald Trump will be sworn
in as the 45th President of the United States on January 20. This will be a truly historic event because
this swearing-in is expected to result in a record amount of swearing-out-loud from
his many detractors.
This day will also be historic because Trump is not a
politician. His election proves that any billionaire, any billionaire anywhere,
can grow up to be President of the United States. It also proves that if you are a little girl,
you can never, ever, be president. Okay,
I guess you might be able to, just don’t do any weird things with your email,
or the truth for that matter.
Now you might remember that I gave Donald Trump my big
endorsement on October 3, 2016. I must
remind you that I did this solely on the basis of his being a fellow Donald and
no other reason. I also will remind you
that if you have a problem with this, you will have judged me unfairly and you
are an anti-Donaldlist. This gives me the righteous right to harshly judge you
back and call you all sorts of nasty names, some you can’t even pronounce, even
though I have never met you.
I’m sure that my strong endorsement was the reason Trump won.
Because of my efforts, I will be Trump’s guest at the inauguration in
Washington D.C., as well as staying in a suite at the Trump International Hotel,
um as soon as my invitation arrives. I’m
thinking it just got lost in the mail. I
hope it gets here soon, I already booked my non-refundable flight. I did hear they are sending out some of the
tickets over Twitter, but I’m worried the Trump people may not be very skilled
at tweeting stuff.
Because this is the first Donald to ever be POTUS, I hope
he doesn’t say or do anything offensive or embarrassing that would besmirch the
name of Donalds everywhere. To help “The
Donald” from making any big mistakes, I have put together a list of vital
suggestions for him. Consider it advice from one Donald to another.
My Advice for President Donald Trump
1.
Be
kind to The White House barber
Making your hair look presentable has to
be one of the most difficult jobs in the entire administration. Your hair presents much more of a challenge
that the previous president because he sported an af, -- uh, ah – well let’s
just say it was a basic cut and much easier to style.
But that’s okay, because you have a
brand-new barber. Reportedly, as soon as
you were declared the winner on election night, the old barber grabbed all his
stuff and was last seen running out of the south gate. Because he is Guatemalan, it looks as if your
immigration policy is already working.
(On a side note, I made an appointment
with the future White House barber before he officially begins his new job and
this is the result. Um, I think there
could be some issues here.)
2.
Respect
other countries territory
The first-lady of Brazil is a very
beautiful woman. When you meet her, do
not just walk right up to her and grab her pu$$y. I know you are now the most powerful man in
the world and you may have done this to beautiful women in the past, but you
shouldn’t do it now. This goes for all
hot “first-ladies” anywhere around the world.
Grabbing a world leader’s wife in this
area would be considered a literal attack on the motherland, an unprovoked
invasion of sovereign territory, as it were.
This action could lead to serious international conflicts. I
would also refrain from squeezing their buttocks, as assaults from the rear are
also frowned upon.
3.
Do not
build a Trump Tower Hotel onto the east end of the White House
I know “Trump Towers – East
Wing” has a nice ring to it and would be a huuuuuuuuuge money maker, but you
don’t actually own the White House. You
already have enough money, so you don’t have to use your position to make
anymore. Remember, you won’t be POTUS
forever, so just consider this a temp job with temp housing, that’s why the pay
is so low.
4.
Do not
comment on any world leader’s appearance (especially Angela Merkel)
You shouldn’t do this because …. well,
just don’t. There is no need to state the obvious, we can all see it clearly
for ourselves. No need to embarrass our
key allies. This isn’t a Miss Universe
pageant and there isn’t a swimsuit competition. (Thank Goodness)
5.
Do not
joke that North Korea’s Kim Jong-un plays video games in his parent’s basement.
If this turns out to be true,
Kim will think he has a major security breach and many people in the palace are
going to die. Instead, as a goodwill
gesture, I suggest you send him some sammiches.
Maybe you can get Jimmy John’s to deliver.
6.
Do not
tweet your wiener.
I know wiener size was a key
issue in the Republican primary and I know how much you love to tweet, but
resist the natural temptation to tweet your wiener. Remember, you won the
election in large part (insert snicker here) because someone associated with
your opponent could not stop tweeting his wiener. (I wonder how the history books will explain
this one)
7.
Do not
put a Trump Casino is the basement of the White House.
You will be entertaining foreign
dignitaries and serving mass quantities of the finest liquors in the
world. Introducing games of chance into
this environment is too risky.
Four-Star General: I just lost Guam to
Italy
Trump: How? Was there a war I didn’t know about?
Four-Star General: No, I hit 15 and busted
out.
Trump: You hit 15? That is a stupid play
-- very, very, bad play
8.
Take
Melania with you when you negotiate with the Chinese
You want to show them that the U.S has
superior assets, so have her wear her hottest outfit and make sure she keeps
crossing her legs. The Chinese love
foreign chicks so much they will be totally distracted and will agree to
anything. You said you wanted to get a
rise in the yuan, well you will get a rise in more than yuan, using this
strategy.
9.
Do not
try to fire Paul Ryan if you get upset with him
Even though you are POTUS, you
cannot just shout “You’re fired” at anyone in government. You cannot fire the Speaker of the House and
this goes for senators and representatives also. Those rules are contained in The
Constitution, which it might be a good thing to review before Inauguration Day.
10. Do not set up your own email server
In fact, after all the
controversy and hacking, you probably shouldn’t even use email at all. Maybe you could just communicate using hand
signals and barking out commands like an NFL quarterback. If you take this route, I would suggest
naming Peyton Manning as Director of Internal Communications. Then, when you
need to make a sudden change in policy, which you tend to do, just yell out
“Omaha” and everyone instantly shifts to the new position.
I know you will consider these great suggestions. However, you are going to be very busy, so if
you need me to provide even more suggestions personally, I would be willing to
meet with Ivanka, even if it meant spending long hours, late into the night, at
her Washington apartment. I could even
assume a position underneath her if needed, because I serve at the pleasure of
the President.
Luv it
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